'Oh, when the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's-' I sang aloud as Alda and I waited for the train, kicking my legs.

'Amore,' she grumbled, her usually larger-than-life presence feeling much smaller than usual. 'So, um, Talyn... I've been thinking...' she started, and in my whimsical daze, I immediately interrupted her. 'That's never good,' I jested, looking her way.

'Shut it. So, uh, after lunch, you know how you said... you used to like Sierra Mist... but new Talyn is um, different?' she questioned meekly, kicking her legs just as I had been a few seconds ago. Clearly a nervous habit, though, not an act of whimsy. What was she getting at, exactly?

'You said you think I'm pretty... does this Talyn still have... uh... never mind!' she finished the thought with a sputtered abortion. Oh, that's what she was getting at.

'Hm, let's see, young me found young you pretty, college me finds the girl I reconnected with "super, super pretty," as I put it...' I mused, gently grasping my bottom lip. 'So, yeah, from what I can gauge from that, I don't think you look too bad,' I concluded teasingly, glancing over at her with a smirk.

'So, I look better than a teenager?' Alda sneered at me.

'I mean, you do have a rack, now, so it only makes sense,' I shrugged. 'Then again, you're the one who helped me diagnose what I found "pretty," so, who knows how low you set the bar,' I explained mockingly, watching as Alda slumped against the bench, staring off contemplatively.

'To answer the heart of your query, no, I have no idea whether my childhood crush remains. Guess we'll just have to find out~' I concluded my introspection with a chirrup, once again airing out my true thoughts and feelings for Alda to make of what she could.

'All signs point to maybe, or you're just as pathologically possessive of me as I am you, Miss "I'm jealous of you hanging out with other girls, and I  secretly like when you mess with me"~' Alda blurted out mockingly, and yet with peculiar diagnostic formality. Wow, she really just went for it.

'Hmm... it's a full moon tomorrow night. Did you know strange things, like murder, are only "more likely" to occur on a full moon because it's an associative hallmark of the occasion. Like, no one says "the woman was dismembered and had her parts dissolved in hydrofluoric acid behind an Arby's on a waning gibbous," I explained coldly, glancing up at the moon as the stars shimmered down upon the two of us, like small puncture wounds in a shitty tarp. 

'Please don't kill me and dissolve my parts behind an Arby's, gross,' Alda begged jokingly, likely having realized my dire need for a change in topic. 

'But, to be honest, I'm more worried about what you're going to do once you get to your laptop and start scouring the MMA club's roster for swampy-eyed blondes who could beat the shit out of me,' Alda continued, referencing her earlier admission of her own "type" I'd forced out of her. Yes, I was aware she was describing me. No, I was not going to find her a date at the local MMA club... yet. 'I am not really into the whole pegging scene, Tal,' she jested, throwing up a scissor hand-sign. Uh, good to know?

'Don't worry, I'm aware that you were fucking with me,' I admitted, watching as another train spewed out its passengers onto the platform.

'Hehe, I wish~' she chimed, and I don't even know if she knew whether she was joking or not. Well, that's just Alda. She wished what? That she was messing with me, or that she was currently having intercourse with me? Knowing her, she probably meant the latter.

'I'm not beating you up, you masochist,' I notified her with a chuckle, crossing my arms in mock-disgust.

'So, you really didn't boink any lucky girls?' she asked with a smirk, completely altering the topic as her chaotic mind saw fit.

'You think I could just fuck around and get into a top-tier college, like you did?' I barked at her, suddenly feeling defensive myself. I literally did not have time for that.

Oh, shit. Was that really an ok thing to say, even if it was true?

'Excuse me!?' Alda exploded, knuckles white with fury as she suddenly vaulted to her feet and snapped to face me. 'You have no i-fucking-dea what you're talking about, Talyn! No bueno! No fucking idea of what I've been through, in school, in these past seven years- at all!' she shrieked, her voice almost breaking. Oh? I had no idea? I had no idea?! 

I opened my mouth in protest, but she didn't even let me get a word in. 'Oh, no, you don't get to butt in! You know why I didn't fucking go to the same high school as you? You know why I only have one friend in this fucking hellhole?' she cried, her voice wavering from the sheer anger that fueled through her. She was shaking with rage.

'No, I-' I stammered, before she cut me off again. 'No, you don't. How could you!? You've always been so smart, and gorgeous, and so fucking hard-working, when I had to get by on with pure "talent" alone! Yeah, that's what they called it. "Talent," "dumb luck." I "didn't try," and I was still better than you! At one fucking thing!' she burst, continuing her spiel as I stood there in silent shock. 

'I wasn't trying to avoid you, it was just really convenient that I happened to fail all my subjects for the entrance exam but Science!'  Alda erupted, tears suddenly creeping down from the corners of her eyes. Oh, no. This made what I did so, so much worse. I must have crushed her.

'So, when I- the Science Fair-' I sputtered, and she returned it with a sharp nod. 

'Mhm, I put my all into that shit, and you rewrote our whole project to preserve your fragile fucking ego! We would've won, but you couldn't take it! You just can't admit that I-' she blew up at me, stepping forward and poking my chest. 'Am,' she poked me again. 'Better,' poke. 'Than,' a sharper jab. 'You!' she snarled, pressing her finger against my sternum. 

'I'm... I'm not that person anymore...' I murmured, stifling a sob as the weight of her finger rattled through me. 'Neither am I. I'm taking an Uber,' she spat as our train finally squealed to a stop before us. Her voice was completely cold, as if something inside her had frozen over. 

● ● ●

Ughhhhh. I toppled into the train and grasped a rail, steadying myself as my heart began to pound against my chest, as if it were suddenly overcome with claustrophobia and were attempting to escape the imminent collapse of my chest cavity. I stood there, breathing heavily as I clutched at the left side of my chest. 

What was wrong with me? Was my body punishing me for being such a fucking tool? Ugh, I sure hoped so. 

'I deserve this...' I muttered to myself.

Breathing ragged, I struggled and failed to categorize the feeling that was ravaging my body. A cold, deathly full-body vice that seemed to squeeze the air out of my lungs and the feeling from my flesh. 

'I'm such a fucking dick... a pretentious, pretentious dick...' I moaned, hanging limp from the handle as I allowed the unpleasantness to ebb at my being.

'Alda... she'd tell me what this is.... she's always been so, so good to me and I- I-' I sobbed, my breath wavering as I broke down into a full-blown bawling session, howling at the top of my lungs as each sob squeezed from my throat as a pathetic hiccup. 

Biting back the tears, I told myself I shouldn't cry. I can't cry. What did I have to cry for? I was the one who hurt her, so why was my body trying to give me relief from the pain I so rightfully deserved to feel.

'Yo, need a windshield wiper?' a familiar, albeit grating, sluggish voice sounded from a nearby seat as a young man staggered over to me. The man was holding up the sleeve of his oversized hoodie to me, a look of sympathy flashing through his otherwise stoned gaze.

'Uh, I have sleeves, too,' I whimpered with a snivel, ungracefully blowing my nose and wiping my eyes on the sleeve of my flannel jacket.

'You dudes going through it?' the stoner asked, leaning against the cart wall. 'I cried when my dog died, and you're cryin' like all your dogs all got on a bus and it got hit by a drunk-driving trucker...' he continued solemnly, his eyes glazing over. Um, ok?

'Yeah, we're going through it... I- I really messed up, and-' I started with a hiccup. Ugh. Was I that low that I was going to offload onto this guy? 

'And it's like- my brain, my body's just breaking down and I want to let it... but here I am trying to find relief through tears and the ear of a stranger- I'm just, so fucking selfish...' I blubbered, wiping my nose with my sleeve again.

'Uh, if it's like, any consolation, dude, I'm Stan,' he dropped. It was not, he was still a stranger and I was selfishly offloading my problems onto him. 'And like, your bod's just tellin' ya ya messed up bad, so you gotta like, sit with yo feelins and like, reset so you can like, keep livin' and do better, ya know... we're only like, totally just human, after all,' Stan drawled at me, attempting to pluck a hair from his stubble. 

Huh? That was strangely insightful, but did I really deserve to be given a chance to "do better?"

'If you don't listen to them, uh, neurotransmitters or whatevers you call 'em, you'll like go full ego death- and like- you'd know just by all your cryin' how valuable a human life can be...' the man continued, flinching as he pulled a long hair off his chin.

'But... if she's so valuable to me, why would I hurt her?' I muttered, wincing at myself in disgust.

'You're human, dude... and sometimes we humans gotta get burnt by the flame so we can learn how to handle it... maybe you've just gotta hurt and be hurt so you can learn to love and be loved. Nothin' hurts if there ain't love involved,' he continued sagely.

'I know it sounds stupid... but- Stan... how do I turn that hurt into love?' I asked, as if I were constructing a novel chemical equation in my head.

'Did you... apologize?' Stan asked me, sluggishly raising his eyebrows at me. Was it really that simple? I promptly shook my head. 'Well, sayin' you're sorry means you know you hurt her and like- you wanna do better, so like, start with that, dude. It like, quite literally comes from "sorrow," dude... it's like, the most direct acknowledgement of hurt,' he said as though it was completely obvious. Ok, maybe it was.

'But I'm like, totally high, and just spit-ballin', so like... grain of salt, dude,' he undercut his unexpected wisdom, before he weaved back to his seat and flumped into it.