My name is Jessie and i come from a lower-middle class family , to join this prestigious school i had to study day and night for a scholarship i knew was barely in my grip - they do say adaptation to society is inevitable but they forget that adaptation is far different from living : it's a form of protection that ends up killing us someday ...

I went through exactly that ; raised with norms that were engraved in my very flesh and sense of being - certains bits of that indoctrination still haunts me to date even when i try to wipe it off my slate ~Carl Jung said " The soul refuses to continue pretending when the moment of transformation arrives " but was it my moment yet ? 

Going through these very intangible feelings reminded me of what it actually meant to be 'alive' , i was missing out on it all for the sake of a society torn apart by the very laws made to hold it togather _ a mirage of total control they envelopped in their rock-hard mindsets ...but realising it meant i now had a guilt to live with burning in my chest .

" I LIKE BOYS AND GIRLS !!!" i whispered before the mirror looking for the courage to come out as bi before my parents - see i grew up with my step mom and my father and both are staunch African but i can't continue living knowing that my being is the very kind that they hate the most. i couldn't bare staying alive knowing that they will never know this side of me and come what may - i will do my coming out even if it means them having my head cut off - ouch!

well speaking of my coming out , i had to tell them about my rejection into SMACK ( the most prestigious school that i had been working to go to all my life because it's where my father was before he met my mom ) my father was obviously going to be disapointed in me .

i finished combing my hair and stepped out of the kid's room ( my room too - our house has three rooms and besides the master bedroom we have one guest room ) so i share a room with my brother and my sister . I went down to go fetch some water so as to clean the house ( my daily chores ) and this time i had to do it all so well cause i already had enough bad news on my plate .

I don't understand African love , it's feeled with pain and distrust but it still contains bonds far beyond normal amounts it's like saying that i can say shit about my family and judge them but nobody else can.Well i placed my rejection letter on the table and quickly matched and voila my sister , Ambers .

AMBERS : I know your secret and if you don't cover for me while i'm out i'm going to tell mom and trust me you don't want to see that poor woman's heart shutter in pieces and her metarmophosis into the wicked step mother we all think she should be . 

ME : You do know that is blackmail and if i tell your mother what you just said she'd cause you twice the trouble and the bigman would come for you and offer you a good lash - huh !4

AMBERS : Don't test me ...

ME : Or else what ?

That's a typical African family greeting unless it's your cousin whereby all you do is gossip i mean at the least that's how it is for my family . i kind of felt threatened i don't trust that girl - she's probably going to tell my news for me way before i'm even ready - the question is which of my secrets does she know ; the rejection , the fact that i watch pg shows or ... my sexuality ? Does she know all -if so i'm so fucked up right now , i don't need to get myself in a gippy .

Well my father was back from work and it was lunch break ~worst time to make bad announcements  and so i kept away from him because he couldn't help but ask about my application each and everytime he sees me - it's like he saw me as a one-way back ticket to his inner child ... he never bothered to ask how i was feeling or i was doing well but my stepmom always say that's his way of showing that he cares .

In waltzes my sister yelling "Dad! ...Dad!...Dad! look what i found " my heart skipped a few bits as she approached , i held the edge of my table but it would be wierd if i left kind of as if i knew and kept it a secret ...

FATHER : Ambers what did i tell you about shouting at me ? Do you think yo are the only child in this house let alone the village ? 

Now darn it , that stupid girl just made dad pissed off - I'm so dead if that letter reaches his grip , he stands up and leaves and i sigh cause Omg that was so close .

In the other room , my stepmother was  confronting  my father about his atitude towards us and he was getting all red and deadlily silent . I on the other hand was chasing after my sister all around the room trying to get back that shitty piece of rejection ( not my sister ) - i was soo desperate nearly all my previous bursary requests had been denied and  i was running out of time , i had one week left .This girl doesn't realize the importance of secondary school in this corruption-bitten country .

My brother who was just from awakening joins in on the chase but on whose side - nobody knows ... i guess he thought it was a game (he's the youngest and probably the favorate ) but he had game allover his blood and physique - best add to my team but he was born an independent spirit , he manges to steal the rejection letter and dashes to the other room and hiding behind mom's legs . We obviously ignorant of the few possible locations of our parents run after him and find ourselves in a very awkward moment ,

Father was reading the letter and he seemed so disapointed ... i look down due to shame but my reflexes are on the lookout to dodge any stray hits or beats or slaps i don't know - i've never seen him in this state so i don't know how to take it.

Father stands up , looks up at me and walks out into his short car and drives away . The tension in the room was shocking , my sister knowing that it has to be that bad for father to leave just tries to hug me but i push her away as if it's her fault and walk out crying and heartbroken - i had never felt that useless and unamounting before till now .

(...)

And today two years later : i have never spoken to my father again and so i never got the chance to tell the last living biological parent i had that i was bi... Happy birthday to me ; i'm sorry for the tears but i can't help but cry and the sadest part is that six months back i met a guy , i want to make it official tonight so that i can celebrate my 14th birthday with my hand in his ; my tongue on his and my dick in his ass too ... that is is my birthday wish for this year i know it's not the holiest but trust me during adolescence it all makes sense and probably one day we shall get married and treat our children better than my father treated me .

He doesn't know it yet but when he refused to go to Buddo(another luxurious secondary school ) , destiny had bound him to me here at Shack where his father helped my stepmother to get me a place - my life today is all thanks to his father , i go to school on the best bursary ever ,  at the best school ever and in the best football team ever . I can't believe that i spent a whole year surpressing my attraction to guys till i met him and i realized that there's much more to sexuality than genders ; we get attracted to souls and personalities not looks and vibes ...

THAT NIGHT

The tension in my chest was making me restless , probably it wasn't my best idea but my body was making the decisions now since my brain had already laid out the plan and there was no turning back , i move forward to his bedside as i first thought about what i'm going to yap about ... i obviously decide to whisper since i must be discreet if not my whole life would probably flash before my eyes and so i say " Hio George , it's your fazo ... it has been a while but i feel like it is the right time , i wanted to tell you that it's thanks to your family that i have this amazing life and i know that is not reason enough but i seriously loved you since the day our eyes crossed each other's paths , and i think - You’re a star that doesn’t shine ,you’re a star with no sounding name ,

oooh! George , i crave your taste ... "

He shifts in bed and groans , but my tension is still present and eating me to the core and so i say to him " George i want to fuck you" and there is an awkward silence and he does not deny but rather turns and shows me his back - i was shocked but you don't need to tell me twice...