'Kelsie, I need you to pick me up,' I muttered into my phone, letting my dress and hair billow in the chill breeze as I waited by the side of the road. In the cold my own tears stung, like claws pulling down against my flesh.

As I slumped into the passenger's seat, Kelsie threw me a concerned glance. 'What's up, girl? You look totally dead,' she fretted, as I pulled my door closed with a slam. 

'I take it your date didn't go too well?' she guessed, her tone soft as she flicked through her phone in search for appropriate music for the drive. I didn't respond. 

'You wanna talk about it, Allie?' she asked softly, putting one of her more tolerable playlists on; the first song being "Come into the Water," by Mitski. She knew I didn't, but I knew she was going to bother me until I did.

'It's just-' I let out a shuddering sigh, gazing out the window as the world passed me by. 'I thought she finally saw me,' I gasped, stifling a sob.

'I shouldn't have pried, I could've relished the fun we had without looking back... we could've been so much more than we used to be- it just- hurts- a lot-' I sniffled, resting my head in my hands. My heart ached as if though it had been passed through a woodchipper, and with every beat it felt like it was bleeding. 

While I spoke, Kelsie took the opportunity buckle my seatbelt. Fuck, how had I not noticed that?

'This is the cute blonde, right? You can't just start anew and pretend nothing happened. You guys were close, right?' Kelsie asked, maintaining a mellow, judgement-free tone as she drove through the blackness. 

'You're, like, a chemist, right? You should know nothing exists in a vacuum, or else like, where's the room to breathe?' she probed, and I wasn't quite sure she was aware of what she was talking about, but it still kind of made sense. 

'Those foundations, the like, "Big Bang" of your relationship- if you pretend that didn't happen, you're living a lie, right?' she continued, and I was almost gobsmacked at her articulation. But, I guess, compared to my social ineptitude, anyone would be better than me at putting that shit into words.

'I guess our bad blood did lead to a lot of... uh- advances- and moments,' I mused, rubbing my nose. 'And what we once had... the good... I'd never felt happier in my life reliving those memories with her again,' I gushed, a brief smile invading my expression as I reminisced. 

'You guys hate-fuck?' Kelsie asked with a perverse smirk.

'Oh, you have no idea how much I wis-' I started before cutting myself off. 'I mean, no,' I corrected myself. Unfortunately. 

'Ahhh, what do I do, Kelz? She destroyed me and tried to write it off with personal change, and know I shouldn't forgive her- but I think I'm like-' I sputtered, utterly baffled at my next course of attack, nor what was going to spill from my lips next. 

'I think I'm in love with her,' I admitted, deflating into my seat. 

'Ok, well, take it from the chick who once had a dude cheat on her with another dude who was eleven years older than him... while we were nineteen...' she professed out of the blue, and my face just contorted into a mixture of disgust and pity; which usually followed her ex-boyfriend horror stories. 

'But enough about me. If she feels the same, and if she's any sort of human being - and not the maggot that Devon was - she'll be feeling worse than you, and maybe she'll try to change for you... and if she does, that's love, sister,' she grinned at me, snapping a scissor hand-sign with one hand as she steered with the other. 

'So, that's love...' I reflected, looking down at the faded lipstick and marker stain on my hand. 

I think I got it now, or was at least in a vulnerable enough mindset in the middle of the night to believe I had it.

Love was an act. An elegant, delicate dance involving both parties, and not merely defined by cliché confessions of love or attraction spoken from the mouth. Love was spoken from the heart through one's actions, and if I knew Talyn, she didn't even know how to see or show love any other way.

Hell, I'd probably heard every symptom of romantic attraction in the book from her; every racing heartbeat, every fluttering chest, every set of mushy legs. She had trusted me with it all while knowing she was speaking to the very source of those feelings. 

Even after seven years, she still repeated the same mistakes by letting me in on such vulnerable states of body and mind. Why would she trust the girl who was practically a stranger to her after over half a decade of mutual ghosting?

I'd just have to put my trust in her, like she had in me. Even if she shatters it completely, or even if she hates me, at least I'd know.

She'd pricked herself again, and I wasn't letting her fall into a coma without a fight.

● ● ●

'Kinda itching for some me time. Kelz, do you think you could drop me off at that one internet cafe? You know the one, with that one computer I once left signed in to my-' I instructed her, cutting myself off as Kelsie gave me a sly look.

'Oh, yeah, the infamous A Byte of Pi, I bet they'll be dreading your arrival,' she said in a mock-butler voice, as if she were pretending to be my personal chauffeur. 'Ah, yes, what will you be having, Mistress "tall muscle mommy bondage scissoring hospital nurse ASMR-"' she continued, and I interrupted her all too late. Did she really memorize the whole tag list? 'Please, shut up,' I pleaded, my cheeks burning.

And so, after Kelsie dropped me off outside the cafe, I quickly scurried in under the cover of darkness. Luckily for me this place was open until midnight, so I had plenty of time to get my thoughts in order. 

And by that, I thought I meant looking at porn until I passed out and they told me to leave. Apparently, I meant searching through my list of Talyn's vulnerabilities for something I could construct an "unethical experiment," around. 

Thing is, the "unethical" part only came from the results, so this was more of a list of what I already knew would upset her. So, crossing out those chewy balls in boba, snakes, being tickled under the armpits, and whatnot.

So, what would this new Talyn be mildly upset by, just enough to show she cares?

After maybe an hour or two of thinking of ideas while charting up a titration curve from the last class (maybe Talyn would appreciate that), and crying to various soundtracks, an idea finally jumped at me while I was humming to "It's Over Isn't It" from Steven Universe.

'Let's see... what do couples get upset about...' I murmured to myself. Not that we were anything but a "couple" of nutcases, but maybe I'd be able to taste the flavor of her possessiveness she'd hinted at on the train. Was she jealous of Kelsie because she thought I was more socially capable than her, or for some other reason?

'What if I...' I mused, pulling a stick of red lipstick from my purse. Wait, how was I going to do this? Just smear it on my neck?

Maybe I'd take a leaf out of my own book, I decided, as I began to swirl the red onto the side of my left knuckle. I proceeded to stamp fake hickeys onto my neck with the wet lipstick on the side of my fist.

And to hide the evidence, I promptly made my way to the ladies' room and scrubbed my left hand clean... while keeping my right hand as far away from the sink as possible. That wasn't gross, was it? I'd let it wash off when I showered.