Self-Isolation:

“Stone defense, rocky shores. You are all surrounded by sharp, pointy things that aid as barriers to oncoming sailors (whose company you might have enjoyed).”

Skills and Society:

  “It feels like living in a society of sorcerers, being the outlier. You look around and see what appears to be everyone living with magical abilities you fail to possess. You’re not sure whether the magic has skipped past you, if you need to study magic further to unlock your potential, or at its core, what you can do to improve the world. Maybe you don’t need to necessarily ‘make it better’ but it sure would be nice to contribute.. ”

There’s something about myself that’s concerned me for some time now. Well, as a matter of fact, there are a number of things. Does it begin with me being a Jack of all trades, master of none? While everyone should strive to be a well-rounded individual, there is a desire within that craves there to be specific things I’m exceptionally good at. Sure, rarely is anyone simply gifted enough in a particular subject that they can just pursue it without any further training or instruction through education. However, most of the people I perceive have already been in the process of honing their skills while spending time with the people they love. 

These people I am referring to are my age, and although I don’t know them personally; In these past few months of me having an actual social media (which might have been a mistake, excluding 10+ years of YouTube), I have noticed that I’m not as involved with anyone. Not a sense of community to be found. I wish I could say that the reasoning behind this is that I spent my years studying and learning how to draw and write, when in contrast, the truth is that I feel I have not accomplished much of anything I wanted, leading up to this point. 

Time after time, I would set ambitious goals of finishing stories. Similar to how I lived, I lacked patience in seeing things through to the end, and life was incomplete. I lagged behind socially; constantly denying invitations to places with my friends. Out of laziness? Or, in fear of being seen for someone I wasn’t? Didn’t matter, as neither reasoning justified it. Other bad habits of mine included not sticking with hobbies. In my early years, I’d quit violin, piano, (clarinet in) band, soccer, tae-kwon-do, and countless others. Choir wasn’t for me, though I always enjoyed singing. I do regret not training my voice properly, though it wasn’t my choice when my mother pulled me out from vocal lessons at a young age due to the advice from my elementary music teacher.

Bordering on envy, I see so many as intellectually superior, musically inclined, or artistic depending on the classes and activities they’re in. It hardly makes sense, considering I could have chosen to at least attempt any of these things had I just been.. Been what? The opposite of a coward, is what comes to mind, but perhaps that is being too harsh. I’m not sure what I would prefer or where my life will go at this point (who can know such things?). On one hand, maybe it's okay to live life trying to experience as much as possible, not committing to everything you do. However, living a life without committing to anything at all? I’m glad I at least can list a few passions I would not be okay with giving up. But if it is the only life I get, I’m not sure I’d settle with leaving without “mastering” something (and again, what that looks like varies–How can one know?). I suppose that’s the only way I could see myself as useful, is if I contributed to society somehow, when it comes to art. That’s the method many like-minded individuals use to connect with others, whatever that “art” may look like in their eyes.