I woke before dawn the streets were empty and cold the kind of silence that belongs only to cities before they start screaming I walked to the office with my tie half done coffee in hand and that nervous fire in my chest again today would be a big day they said new clients new opportunities new pressure
The trading floor came alive the second the clock hit seven phones ringing keyboards slamming voices mixing into a storm of greed and calculation I found my seat between two veterans they called them sharks men with gray eyes and expensive watches who smelled like success and bourbon
One of them looked at me said kid you ever taste a real win not a salary check not your first deal I mean the kind that makes you think you’re untouchable I shook my head he laughed and told me today might be that day
We were working on junk bonds the new religion of Wall Street every call a sermon every sale a promise of heaven that might turn to hell in a heartbeat I didn’t understand half the structure but I repeated the words like a believer yield leverage arbitrage debt I said them until they felt natural like breathing
By noon I had made three deals the third one was pure luck but the client thought I was a genius and the manager slapped my back said kid you got the instinct I smiled trying to look calm but inside I was spinning I had made more in a few hours than my father made in two months
When the closing bell rang the floor exploded with noise laughter shouts someone uncorked champagne someone else threw paper in the air we were gods for five minutes and I drank it in every drop
Later that night we went out to a bar all of us young loud hungry we talked about money like poets talk about love about how it changes people how it makes them bold and stupid at the same time one guy said greed isn’t bad it’s just misunderstood and everyone cheered
I remember standing outside after midnight watching the city glow from inside the bar windows the reflection of my face on the glass I looked different already sharper hungrier like I had found something I couldn’t let go of
The next morning I woke up with a headache and checked the market prices before brushing my teeth I told myself it was just curiosity but I knew the truth I was hooked the market had crawled under my skin
I called a client before breakfast pitched another deal he bought in easy money easy praise I didn’t even feel proud anymore it was just a rush a pulse
Weeks passed like seconds and every success tasted sweeter every mistake hit harder I stopped seeing my friends from Queens I told myself they wouldn’t understand but really I didn’t want to remember where I came from
One night my father called asked if I was eating right I lied said I was doing fine he said he was proud of me and I felt something twist inside guilt maybe or fear but I pushed it away
I told myself this was what winning looked like being young rich unstoppable
But when I closed my eyes I saw the charts flickering behind my eyelids red green red green like a heartbeat that wouldn’t stop and I realized that maybe I had traded something bigger than money