When I woke up, the first thing I noticed was warmth. Not the kind that came from the blanket, but from the steady, slow rhythm of breathing against my back.

For a moment, I forgot where I was — the dorm, the chaos, the debut. Everything blurred into the soft morning light slipping through the curtains. Then I turned my head just slightly and froze.

Renji was still asleep beside me. His arm was draped lazily over my waist, and his breath brushed the back of my neck. The space between us barely existed.

It took my brain a few seconds to fully process the situation — and then the horror set in. I felt something hard pressing against my cheeks. Not the cheeks on my face, whatsoever.

Oh, no.

I tried to move without waking him, but the more I shifted, the worse it got. My face burned, and I could practically hear the embarrassment screaming in my head. I wasn’t sure if it was worse that I was like this or that I could feel Renji was too.

I swallowed hard and gently, gently peeled his arm off me, rolling to the very edge of the bed like my life depended on it.

Renji stirred, blinking groggily. “...Why are you acting like I’ve got the plague?”

“Nothing! No reason!” My voice came out way too high-pitched.

He squinted, hair a mess, voice still raspy from sleep. “You’re acting weird again.”

“I—just... I have a horrible hangover” I blurted and bolted up before he could ask more questions. My feet nearly tripped on my slippers as I escaped to the bathroom with a towel covering my lap.

The cold water on my face helped a little, but not enough to erase the mental image of Renji’s sleepy expression or how close we’d been. And my raging boner didn't feel like dying down either. I didn't understand what's happening. Sure sometimes I had morning wood. But this was something else. I stood under the cold water for so long I started shaking, but the little guy between my legs was agitated with enthusiasm. I had to turn the water temperature up to not catch a cold while I took care of the situation.

I tried to think about the porn I've seen when I was a teenager. But it didn't work. My brain unconsciously imagined Rejni, drenched in sweat on the stage in his tight, suggestive outfit. I came so hard I thought I'm going to pass out.

I wasn't a self-pleasure expert by any means. Before my parents died I focused all my energy and freetime on becoming an idol. And after my parents died my libido went from 1% to 0%.

My classmates showed me some porn videos at school back then, but for some reason, I didn't feel like watching them.

I wasn't questioning my sexuality. It just never occurred to me. I never had a crush on anyone. I never felt sexual desire towards anyone. I just assumed I was into women. But my dick almost went limp when I tried to think about those porn actresses. And I immidiately launched the stickies all over the shower, when I thought about a man. And not any man. Renji, at that. I felt miserable and even more embarassed to face him after I jizzed while imagining him. Post nut clarity felt devastating.

When I finally emerged, Renji was already up and stretching, pretending like nothing had happened — and maybe that was for the best.

Breakfast was a quiet affair, which I appreciated while I quietly boiled inside with shame. Most of the members were still half-asleep, slumped around the table. Someone had brought pastries from the convenience store, and the smell of instant coffee filled the dorm.

“Day off today,” Jiahao mumbled, barely lifting his head.

“Yeah,” I said, sipping my coffee. “I’m thinking of visiting home. Haven’t seen Grandma and Minsung in a while.”

Renji looked up from his toast. “You want company?”

I shook my head with a small smile. “Thanks, but I think I should go alone this time. Been a while since I had a proper talk with them.”

He nodded. “Makes sense. Tell them I said hi.”

The tram ride home took less than half an hour, but it felt like crossing into another world. The city center faded into familiar streets, narrow corners, and shopfronts I’d passed a thousand times before. The neighborhood smelled faintly of roasted chestnuts — Seoul in its most ordinary form.

When I turned the corner to our building, I spotted Grandma outside, sweeping the small patch of pavement in front of the gate. She looked the same — a little smaller, maybe, but her back was still straight, her movements precise.

“Grandma!”

She froze, then looked up. Her face broke into the warmest smile I’d seen in months.

“Minjae-ja! You should’ve told me you were coming! I would’ve made more for lunch!”

“I wanted to surprise you.” I grinned and took the broom from her hands before she could protest. “You shouldn’t be doing this, Grandma. The broom’s taller than you.”

“Oh, hush,” she said, but she was already chuckling. “You’re too thin again. Are they feeding you properly?”

“I eat, I promise,” I said, though the memory of our ramen dinners made me feel slightly guilty.

She tsked and ushered me inside. The apartment smelled like barley tea and laundry detergent. The TV was playing an afternoon drama, the volume low.

“Where’s Minsung?” I asked.

“School. He’ll be home soon,” she said, setting a cup of tea in front of me. “I saw your group’s photo online, though. You boys look very handsome! But…” Her expression softened. “You must be tired, hm?”

I nodded, taking a sip of the warm tea. “A little. But it’s… good. Feels like I’m doing something right again.”

She reached over and patted my hand gently. “You always were. Don’t forget to rest, my dear. You don’t have to carry the world on your shoulders.”

Before I could answer, the front door burst open.

“Grandma, I’m home—”

Minsung stopped mid-sentence when he saw me, eyes widening. “Hyung?!”

“Hey,” I said, standing up just in time for him to crash into me.

He hugged me tightly, his backpack still on. “You didn’t tell me you were coming!”

“I wanted to see if you’d forgotten my face.”

“As if!” he said, pulling back with a grin. “I watched your debut! The stage was insane, hyung! You looked so cool!”

“Really?” I asked, laughing. “It wasn’t too cringe?”

“It was a little cringe,” he admitted, giggling. “But cool cringe!”

I ruffled his hair. “That’s the best kind of cringe.”

Grandma called us for lunch — rice, kimchi stew, and a few side dishes that instantly made my chest tighten with nostalgia.

Minsung talked non-stop about school and how his class watched part of the debut MV during lunch break. I let him ramble, just listening, soaking in the normalcy of it all.

But underneath it, there was something else — a quiet ache. Because sitting there, hearing Grandma’s laughter and Minsung’s chatter, I remembered exactly what I was protecting.

Just the hope that kids like Minsung — bright, innocent, trusting — wouldn’t get swallowed by the same industry I was now buried inside.

“Hyung?”

I blinked. “Hm?”

“You spaced out,” Minsung said, tilting his head. “You okay?”

I smiled, pushing his bangs out of his face. “Yeah. Just happy to be home.”

By the time I got back to the dorm, the sun had already dipped below the skyline, painting the windows in soft orange light. The living room was quiet — the twins’ shoes scattered near the door, a half-finished bag of chips abandoned on the couch. From down the hall, I could hear faint music leaking from one of the bedrooms.

Renji was sitting at the kitchen table when I walked in, scrolling through his phone. He looked up immediately. “You’re back.”

“Yeah,” I said, dropping my bag onto the counter.

He put his phone down, studying me with that calm, unreadable gaze of his. “How’s your grandma?”

“She’s good. Still pretending she’s stronger than she is.” I smiled faintly. “And Minsung’s fine too. He’s much taller than when you've last seen him.”

Renji huffed a quiet laugh. “Guess it runs in the family.”

I went to grab a bottle of water from the fridge, and when I turned back, Renji was still watching me — not in a weird way, just… softly. Like he was memorizing how my face looked when I wasn’t overthinking.

“You look tired,” he said finally.

“Long day,” I muttered. “But… it was good to be home.”

He nodded, then stood up and stretched, his hoodie riding up slightly before falling back into place. “Come on. Let’s get some sleep.”

“Yeah, good idea.”

The dim yellow light from the bedside lamp making everything look hazy and safe. When I sat down on my bed, Renji hesitated for a second, then flicked off the light and crossed over.

“Move over,” he said simply.

I froze halfway through fluffing my pillow. “...Huh?”

He looked at me with that deadpan expression that always made it hard to tell if he was joking. “You said last night that you sleep better when someone’s next to you. So—” he gestured at the space beside me “—move.”

My brain short-circuited for a second. “Renji, that’s not—”

“Don’t overthink it,” he said, already climbing in like it was the most natural thing in the world. “It’s cold.”

It really wasn’t cold. But arguing felt pointless. So I scooted over, trying to act like my heart wasn’t sprinting.

He pulled the blanket over both of us, settling in close enough for me to feel the warmth radiating from his body. His hair brushed my cheek as he exhaled softly.

“Goodnight,” he murmured.

“...Night,” I managed, staring at the ceiling.

And that’s when I realized — oh no.

I shifted uncomfortably, trying to subtly put some distance between us, but Renji’s arm instinctively slipped around my waist. My brain screamed. My soul left my body.

Not again. Not again.

I could feel his steady breathing behind me, completely calm, completely unaware — or maybe pretending to be. Meanwhile, I was fighting for my life, praying to every deity that my body wouldn’t betray me again.

“Renji?” I whispered.

“Hm?”

“You’re kinda… close.”

“Mm,” he hummed sleepily. “You smell like fabric softener.”

“Renji—”

“Go to sleep, Minjae.”

There was a smile in his voice. A teasing one.

I buried my face into the pillow, cheeks burning, heart pounding, every nerve screaming that this was dangerous — but when his breathing evened out and the world quieted, I felt that same familiar calm wrap around me.