Another day, another...What rhymes ? Thursday ?

Lame. Like me.

Anyway, it was another Thursday. 

I petted Litten's black and caramel fur wishing that he was a Pokemon instead of a cat so that we could travel the world and win battles ; become rich or whatever.

I gave him food, water, then did the same for me before heading to work. 

I was good at school, I made the efforts without neglecting myself like some others. 

Teachers liked me, I was not a genius but had an exemplary behavior, so...how the fuck did I end up like that ?

Spending my time organizing mails for a company that paid the legal minimum to overworked employees.

Oh....True.

Cutting ties with you family could be impactful like that.

If I had known, I would have stopped trying and enjoyed a careless teenag-

Observing my scarred chest and remembering the past, I realized it would have been impossible.

I wished I had experienced my life differently, or at least high-school years, in the right body, with my current knowledge, current detachment of reality...

You could say that I was only nineteen, and that I still had an entire life before me to create new memories, however this was precisely the problem. 

I was only nineteen but my life was already like this. 

I could have tried to change it, however I was tired of trying. 

Something within was gone ; the will.

Because of that lack of will, each Thursday became harder as if I was back in school. 

Waking up was for to say, the most difficult task of the day therefore my delays piled up like the appartement's trash.

"Aysun, this is my last warning" The boss said.

"Aysun, you are fired" I was free.

That specific Thursday, I bought a packet of salmon and placed it above the box that contained what previously was on my desk. 

Walking home, my steps were slowly crushing the passing excitement that I dearly held on to not fall. 

If I couldn't lie to myself, I would at least pretend for Litten, it would be his party. 

Litten enjoyed the cheapest salmon like it was caviar as I was blasting music in my ears - I couldn't do otherwise with the poor sound proofing of that building.

I danced and sang with Litten for the first time in a while.  And once the energy expelled I...felt empty. 

Even worse maybe. 

My throat was tight, my eyes were acting up a bit, but boys don't cry and Mika appeared to comfort my dry sorrow which was silently echoing in the dark room.

Sat in my bed, back leaning on the cold wall, Mika's palm ruffled my hair then incited my head to rest on his shoulder. 

Mika was always like a warm ray of sunshine with his clear brown, almost pink, irises swimming in my soul ; his sepia skin as soft as a peach which's brush appeased my stress ; his soft smile tenderly telling me it was okay. 

My dear angel. My light, my sun, my savior.

'Who the hell is Mika ?', right ?

Truth is, Mika was just...a figment of my imagination...Pathetic indeed.

One night when I was fifteen, I had this dream where a person whom only had half of his face allowed to be seen, gently responded with his pretty lips to my non desire to go to class this week with a "...It's ok. It'll be ok"

The words were simple yet that was all I had been secretly begging for.

After that, although I never dreamed of him again, Mika never left the back of my mind and whenever I was lonely, sad, or empty, his illusion would come back to me. 

I could only thank this cursed brain which had a talent for imagining things so vividly that it felt as real as reality. 

Maybe this condition was the final stage of maladaptive daydreaming, maybe I was going to sink in insanity.

 

Maybe I did, 

maybe I am, 

maybe I drown.