Her hands curled into fists at her side, nostrils flaring. But as the ire within her reached its peak, Nellie realized that her father would only take all this fire that she wanted to hurl and see it as a feeling of helplessness. That’s how it’d been for the past few years anyway, on the few occasions when he hadn’t had it in him to fight with her. And besides, if she hadn’t wanted the Sorairos consoling her after Meteora, then why in the world would she want that comfort from her dad? No, it’d be better to temper herself.

Perry sighed, as if he were already tired of the effort it took to share pleasantries with her, and moved to take a seat at the table. “Why don’t you join me? You could use some food in you.”
Nellie didn’t so much as stir. She only crossed her arms. “I can’t. I’m getting ready for the theater cleanup at school.”

“That's right,” he said, brows rising into the air. “How did it all go?” 

 “Oh, now you care?” Something snapped within her. Could he seriously not even pretend to remember? “We were working on it for months. You saw me coming home late every night, stressed, and this is when you finally ask about it? When it's done?” She was seething now. “Sure would've been nice to have you there Dad.”

“Nel, I–” 

“No.” She stomped her foot to cut him off. “I don't want to hear it. You've always been so freaking self-centered, you’ve only ever thought about yourself, what exactly are you apologizing for now? This isn't any different for you dad. Why do you think Mom left? You don't ask about the people who care about you. You don't communicate or show interest in them.”

Nellie's eyes stung, she couldn't bear to keep them locked on him anymore. “I was alone for years,” she said, “Because all I had was you. I was a kid and I had to figure everything out myself. I can't even begin to explain how long I had to pretend that things were alright. Because of you I had to work harder than anyone I know to not hate myself, to have something to be proud of. And still, I felt like I didn't belong. If I ever dropped the act then everyone else would ostracize me and then I'd really be alone.” 

“What about Gerwig?” Perry countered, as if bringing him up negated all the grief she had just shared. “He's been with us since you were seven.”

Nellie glared at her father, clenching her teeth. “I love Gerwig, but he's a cat. He can't give me what I need.”

“And what do you need?” 

An Instrument. The thought came to her before she had even realized it. But she couldn't say that. That wasn't why she was livid at him. 

“Support,” she said after a moment. “Comfort, confidence, a loving family to come home to. But that isn't the point. Don't change the topic on me. I–” 

“I'm sorry, Nellie.” Perry lowered his gaze, his voice sounding forced and laden with remorse. “Truly and honestly. I was struggling too, I'm sure you know that, but that's no excuse for how I acted. As you grew older, I surmised that you were happier when I kept my distance. You were just like your mother in that way, so self-sufficient.”

Where was this coming from? Hadn't she already told him that she didn't want his apologies? No, she wanted him to blow up. She wanted him to match her anger and intensity, that way she would know that he was feeling something real. 

“Well you can't make me happy,” she said finally, “No matter what you try to do.

“You're right though. I do know you. You're someone who makes an effort only when it affects you if you don't.” She was seething now. There was no holding anything back. “Remember that museum trip to The Pharum in eighth grade? I literally didn't stop talking about it. If you wanted me to be happy then why didn't you let me go with the other students? Why did you pretend to forget to sign the permission slip? Or how about the birthday I had after that? When I asked if I could take piano lessons? I just wanted to find a way to express myself but no, you said that it'd be a waste of time. That I couldn't be an artist and lead a meaningful life. I had to choose one or the other. Man you must've felt real proud of yourself telling that to a kid who was nowhere close to being happy. What an inspiration.” 

Nellie laughed. She was sure she sounded maniacal, but she had to, it was the only way to keep the tears from coming again. 

“I've had so many dreams come to an end because of you, Dad. How am I supposed to believe anything you have to say to me right now?” She pressed on. She couldn't let him get a word out. It was now or never, this had to come out. “But don't worry. You don't have to explain yourself. I know why you do it. 

“You’re afraid I'll be like her. That I'll leave you if I ever get the slightest sense of freedom. And guess what? You're absolutely right. As soon as I get the chance, I'm out of this stupid town.”

Had that done it? Perry sat there, unmoving, hands curled tight into fists. If he met her stare, Nellie wanted to see tears in his eyes. She hated this side of herself. It was vain, repulsive and cruel, so if her dad had brought it out of her then it had to lead to something, right? But the seconds passed and Perry still didn't give her anything other than a flare of the nostrils in an attempt to control his breathing. 

“Thank you,” he said, finally looking up again. “At least now I know.”

Nellie blinked, surprised by such a genuine response. She wasn't used to having him listen to her. Behind the words however, her father's face was scrunched tight, his eyebrows furrowed, his whole roster betraying no emotion. 

After the moment passed, and it didn't look like Nellie had anything she wanted to say, Perry asked, “Do you mind if we go outside? I want to show you something.”

“Huh?” Now she was really caught off guard. Here he was trying to change the topic again, proving that he had in fact, not listened to her at all. It was always like this. Any time she made progress with him she was quickly reminded that they still had a long way to go before he could even come close to being the father she wanted him to be. Nellie crossed her arms again. “I just said I have to get ready. I'm not going anywhere with you.”

“Okay, yeah, ” Perry sighed. “You're right. How about we just meet out front before you head out?” 

He got up then, knowing he wouldn't get an immediate response from her, and made for the door. Not sure of what else to do now that her emotions had settled, Nellie went back to her room and got dressed. Searching through the clothes she hadn't packed, she threw on gray leggings and a baggy flannel with a pair of flat sneakers. She brushed her hair quickly enough, and tied it back into a long ponytail before she remembered that she had plans with Raul later that night. He couldn't have picked a worse day, she sighed. But maybe it would do her good. A two-hour movie might be enough of a distraction from her thoughts to ease the numbness she couldn't get away from. And dressing up never hurt either. When people were complimenting her, focused only on her outward appearance, it made it easier to keep her true state of mind hidden behind a mask. Perhaps she’d wear her hair down too.

Since she’d worn her best outfit for the play and all of the events yesterday, Nellie grabbed a denim jacket with another of her favorite dresses and a blanket and stuffed them into the backpack she’d be carrying with her throughout the day. She made another run to the bathroom to wash her face and throw on a bit of makeup before she locked her room and made her way downstairs. She knew Gerwig liked to nap in there, but she couldn’t risk her father seeing the duffle bag or the mess she’d made in her room.

 At the front door however, Nellie paused to catch her breath. She was feeling better, after getting ready the numbness gripping her had subsided enough to become bearable, but as soon as she opened the door she would be stepping out into a world full with all sorts of musae, not just the reclusive Tennkā. It would be majestic, and though she wasn’t prepared for it, she would have to learn to be a part of it one way or another. 

Four flights of stairs later, she saw her father waiting for her by the front gate. He seemed to be in a daze, pacing back and forth from the gate to the interior garden, with both hands in his pockets. Nellie wondered if he had helped himself to a drink after their conversation. She couldn’t remember the number of times she’d caught him giving in to those substances when he needed to calm his nerves. 

His eyes found her as she descended the last of the steps and a flicker of relief washed away the troubled look in them. “Nel! Hey, do you have your license on you?” 

“Yeah…” She answered, unsure why the question had been placed in the first place. Maybe he was just being overprotective and wanted to be sure she hadn't forgotten anything before going out. She moved past him and caught sight of a sea-salt colored sedan parked right outside the gate. His 1187 Geo, the same car they'd had since they first moved to Comet Hill. 

And that's when it all came together. He must be hungover again, that's why he was so aggravating earlier. Her father often spent his nights drinking, and when he needed a ride somewhere in the morning he'd usually ask Nellie to drive him around. In truth, that was pretty much the only use she got out of her license. But no, today had to be different. Somewhere in that drunken mind of his he had to realize that she wasn't in the state to deal with him all day, right? 

She whirled on him, only to see him holding the keys to the Geo up in offering. A proud grin had spread across his bearded face. 

Nellie sighed, the sight taking the will out of her. She was tired, tired of her life, tired of all the crap that she constantly had to fight through. “Where do you need to go?”

“Huh?” Perry raised an eyebrow at this, confused by her response. Then he took her hand, and placed the keys in her palm. “Nellie, I'm giving you the Geo.”

Nellie furrowed her brows. This had to be a joke. 

“I'm serious.” He continued, intent on finishing what he had to say before she could interrupt. “You were right earlier. As a father, I’ve been distant and stern in all the wrong ways. I wanted to give you space, but didn’t realize how alone my actions must have made you feel. With so much weighing you down, it’s no wonder you so vehemently sought the freedom that the meteors have been told to grant.”

She bit the inside of her lower lip, flinching visibly at the mention of Meteora. 

“I’ll admit, my heart broke when I found you on the roof last night.” Perry lowered his gaze as he spoke. “You were shivering, and even in your sleep, the tears hadn’t stopped flowing. I couldn’t think to do anything else but bring you to bed. At least there was warmth beneath your sheets.” 

He paused, and there was a wistful gleam in his eyes when he finally glanced up again.

 “To be honest, I was afraid you’d wake up and blame me for missing your chance at an Instrument. I couldn’t stop thinking of all the times I’d caught you running around, pretending that the furniture in our house were enemies you needed to take down. I can’t imagine how you must feel today, but I hope that little girl is still in there somewhere.”

She’s not, Nellie cursed. 

 “The car isn’t much, I know,” her father said. “It might even be another selfish act on my part, but I guess it’s my way of granting you the freedom that teenagers are supposed to have around this time.”

 Nellie felt her eyes widen. The keys in her hand seemed powerful all of the sudden, as if the whole world was open to her. With thoughts on her mind of the duffle bag waiting upstairs, she asked, “How will you get to work?”

“I’ll catch the bus, or carpool with some of the crew,” Perry said, waving a hand. “It’s not a big deal.”

And then, without really meaning to do so, Nellie went in for a hug. It was an awkward exchange for both of them, lasting for only an instant, but in the end she felt better for it. The numbness that clung to her loosening some of its grip. 

“Why don’t you take it around the block for a spin?” Perry grinned, “Tell me how it feels to have your own wheels beneath you. There should be plenty of time now before you have to meet your friends at school.”

It was as if she could breathe again. Nellie spun on her heel and hurried towards the car, throwing the driver-side door open. Inside, she saw two additions that made the sedan feel like it was especially hers: a purple bow, with large loops and several streamers, wrapped around the steering wheel and a chime-like trinket hanging from the rear view mirror featuring all eight of the musae constellations. The sight gave her an odd feeling, she’d driven this car so many times that the thought of it being hers still didn’t seem real. With a hint of a smile pressing against her cheeks, Nellie tossed her backpack onto the rear seats and took a photo of the bow with her phone before removing it and starting the engine. 

A low, electric whirr responded immediately. The car was alive beneath her grip on the steering wheel and she too felt close to the same. For so long it felt as if today were an ending, but now as she took off onto the neighborhood streets she knew so well, Nellie had the sense that a new beginning might just be possible. 

She took in every aspect of their trapezoid shaped block as she drove around – the path home from the bus stop, the street down to Muncheese’s and Maggie’s shop, the fire escape she’d used as a kid when she broke her arm, her window looking out towards Cinder Sky – until she came around the last corner and caught sight of her father waving at her in front of the apartment. Nellie parked, and met him in a hug, one that she meant and was willing to give this time. In a low voice, she said, “Thank you.”

“It was my pleasure, sweetie.” 

The moment hung between them when they parted. Neither one moved or knew what to say. But then Perry let out a breath, and his caramel-tinted eyes shone with worry.

“So tell me,” he said apprehensively, “How was the shower last night? I sort of stayed inside, waiting for you to come home and tell me about it.”

Nellie’s nostrils flared. She bit her lip once more, parsing through all the sights and feelings that came rushing through her again. Her instinct was to answer him in as little words as possible, but this was her reality now, she would have to learn to talk about it eventually.

“It was cool,” she said, feeling good about the honesty.