Secret Relationships

Chapter 3

“So sorry for making you wait so long, Daon. I suddenly got a call from the district office.”

“That’s all right. I haven’t been waiting too long.”

At the sound of the door sliding open, I immediately straightened my slouched body and thrust open my heavy eyelids to look attentive and presentable for the teacher who rushed in.

“You aren’t like the other boys who are always so chaotic and bouncing off the walls, are you, Daon? You seem to know how to spend time alone in peace, think, meditate…”

After letting out a short breath to settle herself, the teacher dropped into the seat opposite me and began teasing the “other boys” to hopefully make me feel better about having waited so long.

Alone, in peace. Thinking. Meditating.

I offered her a polite smile, doing my best not to look like I was mocking her or dripping with sarcasm. She seemed to take that smile as a humble and embarrassed denial, for she immediately shook her head.

“Mmm, no. After teaching for this long, you see these things. Your innate temperament is so important. Students who are as calm and gentle as you don’t have to force yourselves to be loud or showy to gain people’s trust, and they usually do well across all subjects—which you do, Daon. You placed first in the entrance exams, first in the mock tests, and have since maintained your position at the top.”

Ah, there it is.

Earlier, when the dismissal bell had rung and the classroom instantly grew noisy, my teacher had quietly leaned over and asked if we could talk. I instantly knew why. Looking like the more troubled one of us, she leaned over the table, looked at me with steady eyes, then cautiously continued.

“But lately… Daon, is there something worrying you…?”

I didn’t respond.

My grades, which had once placed me at the top of the class, had plummeted so dramatically in the second semester that even I couldn’t believe it.

Even while working my part-time job, I’d run through flash cards whenever I didn’t have to tend to customers. Then, when I got home late at night, I would stay up—my sleeping family behind me—to go over problems in my workbook. But it seemed that doing my “absolute best” still didn’t measure up to others doing “just enough.”

How much of my situation could I let my teacher in on? Actually, I didn’t even want to do that, so I couldn’t say anything to her.

Interpreting my posture, with my head hung low, as low spirits, my teacher instantly brightened up and consoled me with, “I’m not scolding you because of today’s report card, okay?”

Teacher, I’m not all that calm or gentle. When I saw today’s report card, I felt like I was falling off a cliff. I was so horrified that I wanted to scream. To be honest, as absurd as it might sound, I even felt a little… resentful of the other, ordinary kids.

I stared at my hands on my knees and kept my mouth firmly closed.

* * *

Haaaa. I tried to warm up my frozen fingertips with my breath—to no avail.

Still, I stuck to my resolve and pulled my chair right up to the desk again, steeling myself. I opened my eyes wide and looked down fiercely at my workbook. On my way out of the convenience store after my shift, I’d chugged a carton of extra-strong coffee milk that was past the sell-by date. I was wide awake. However…

“Moooommy! I’m hungry!”

“I’m hungry!”

“You’ve been running around nonstop until I put you to bed. Of course you got hungry… Daon, I’m going to go buy some milk. Watch your siblings, okay?”

However, it seemed my entire family was also full of energy tonight.

I need to make one correction: Poverty does have a mouth. The winter draft that came howling in through the poorly fitted window, my hungry brothers and sister clamoring and crying behind me, my mom heaving a sigh as she tried to deal with them, and the sound of Dad shamelessly spreading out a blanket to lie down.

In a single room with no walls for separation, the cacophony of sounds stabbed me in the ears. But I did not budge from my desk. I continued to focus on my workbook problems with steely resolution.

“Daon, watch the kids, hm?”

“My homework is going to be checked tomorrow.”

When Mom repeated the request, I turned my head to look at her with a hint of irritation. In that glance, I caught my sister, Daseul, glumly gluing Christmas cards together for Mom’s side job with her tiny baby hands.

The wall where my desk sat was brimming with certificates I’d won in writing and math competitions. My homeroom teacher wasn’t wrong when she said I did well across pretty much all subjects. I’d always been a bright kid. For the sake of modesty, I didn’t flaunt it, but I was well aware.

I refused to give up. The only way for me to dig myself out of this hole was to study. That was the single most realistic way.

“Hey, Daon…”

After a moment of hesitation, I returned my gaze to my workbook, but Mom kept standing there instead of heading out to the store. Eventually, she walked over to the side of my desk, gave me an embarrassed smile, and said, “I need to go buy some milk…”

She trailed off.

There was a momentary silence.

I’d gotten paid by the convenience store today, and until that moment, I’d always handed my wages over to Mom before she even asked.

“Mom… I…”

Perhaps cowardice runs in the family. I slowly got up from my seat and stood face-to-face with my mom. My voice had shrunk just as much as hers.

Sensing something was off, she tilted her head. “Hm?”

I stared at my mom, bit my lip, then barely managed to get my announcement out of my mouth. “I… I’m going to go to cram school.”

Mom was visibly shaken. “Wh-wh-what…?”

“I can handle the subjects that require memorization on my own, but in math and Korean, there’s a limit to what I can manage alone… I had a consultation today, and they said I can catch up quickly because I have a solid foundation, so—”

“Then what about our family’s expenses?!”

I didn’t answer.

Mom was dumbstruck, shocked like she’d witnessed some terrible betrayal. She was suddenly blazing with anger.

My head went cold. But soon, I, too, felt rage surge up within me, and I unwittingly raised my voice at her.

“Dad’s not going to be bedridden forever! And you’re going to get another job too!” I cried.

She was momentarily shocked, like she’d never imagined that I would react in such a way, but she quickly yelled back at me.

“Th-then what about what we need right now?!”

Meanwhile, Dad was groaning in bed. “Oh god, oh god…”

The kids, who had gone silent, terrified by the fight, burst out crying one after the other.

“How could— How could you? You… So suddenly, how could you do this to us?!”

“Then how can you and Dad do this to me…?” I asked in a flat voice, maintaining my straight gaze on her.

I’d never outwardly expressed my resentment before. Mom was rendered speechless. She stood there, blinking, and her jaw dropped. Gradually, her eyes turned red, her face contorted, and tears began falling.

“Do you think your dad and I don’t want to give you everything? I’d rip out my organs for my children if I could! I know how hard you work, and I’m so sorry. I want to be able to do everything for you, but…!”

Please, someone help me… I beg you…

I swallowed the familiar cries of desperation that echoed inside of me and dropped my head in helplessness.

“I’ll… I’ll cancel my registration.”

“Daon, I’m really so, so sorry…”

As Mom sobbed, the kids’ cries got louder and louder.

I wasn’t sorry. No, not really. I was just sick of all of it.

Fed up. Worn out. Tired. Poverty was tenacious enough to outlast any grit or patience, and the thought that my own stubbornness and persistence might one day make me grow numb to it made me shudder with loathing.

As my head hung low, I caught a glimpse of the Christmas card that Daseul had flung aside.

I’d never believed in Santa Claus anyway.