Secret Relationships

Chapter 4

The sound of lively Christmas carols being played from shoddy speakers filled the air. The mechanical tones were coming from a light-socket speaker perched on the fake tree that stood at the convenience store entrance.

I didn’t believe in Santa Claus. Christmas had zero relevance to me and my life, but every year at this time, I couldn’t help but be captivated by all the flashy decorations. Whether I wanted it or not, they lifted my spirits.

Even as I stood behind the register, waiting for customers to walk up to me to check out, I found myself gazing vacantly at the tree’s ornaments, and the colorful lights that blinked in time with the carols. I even began humming along before catching myself and clearing my throat in embarrassment.

Thankfully, it didn’t seem the customers had heard my atrocious humming.

“Ready?” A young male customer grabbed something from the chocolate display, then called out to someone at the drink aisle.

A young female customer popped out with a cute hop, waving a bottle of water. “Yup, I’ll have this.”

“All right. Do you need anything else?”

“I don’t want to ruin my appetite for our nice dinner later. I just need to quench my thirst.”

The two conversed sweetly as they approached the register and set down their items.

Good for them, I thought, like an old geezer admiring a young couple in love. As I scanned the barcodes, the two could not take their eyes off each other.

“It’s really hard to get a reservation at that place. And it’s super expensive,” the girlfriend said, wrinkling her nose. It seemed she was referring to the nice dinner she’d mentioned earlier.

“No worries. I worked crazy hard at my part-time job so we could go tonight.” The guy shrugged and grinned.

“That’ll be 4,200 won. Would you like a bag?” I lowered my voice so as not to intrude on their affectionate conversation. “Have a good one.”

I didn’t forget to say goodbye. The bell jingled behind them as they walked out, hand-in-hand.

So other kids my age work part-time jobs to go to nice places on days like this.

I felt dazed, even a bit empty, from the grand realization that money could be used for things like that. But I tried not to fall into a spiral of self-pity.

Well, that’s romantic. With that thought, I brushed off my old geezer-esque observations.

I then remembered that I’d had the same exact thought not long ago. When was it again? Ah, when that guy had given me that note with a confession on it.

I chuckled softly to myself. It wasn’t the first time something like that had happened to me, but I had never had the time to linger and indulge in such things.

Time to lock the heavy gate around my heart.

I had more pressing matters to tend to. I pulled out the Korean language workbook I kept hidden under the register, as well as the expired milk I was able to score once again.

Feeling a bit peckish, I stuck the straw in the carton and took a big gulp. That was enough to satisfy me for the time being.

What a cheap and easy date I am.

As I inwardly mocked myself, I opened my workbook and picked up the mechanical pencil I’d stuck between the pages. I started to read through the practice problems.

For question three, I easily marked a check next to the right answer out of the five options. As I read the next problem, I was so focused that the carols trickling from the tree at the entryway faded out.

After a moment, I heard ding-a-ling and felt a rush of cold air. I reflexively looked up.

“Welco… me…”

The greeting started coming out of me on autopilot, but I ended up trailing off awkwardly.

Thankfully, it didn’t sound too weird. The customer gave me a nod of acknowledgment as he strolled inside and headed over to one of the inner aisles.

In a bit of a daze, I slowly put down my pencil and waited with my hands by my sides.

It didn’t take any time at all for the customer to grab what he needed from the fridge and make his way to the counter.

“Can you ring this up, please?” he asked, upon seeing that I hadn’t budged even after he’d set his vitamin drink on the counter. He wasn’t being rude or impatient at all.

“Oh… Yes, of course. S-sorry.” I apologized, still feeling flabbergasted. I could feel my ears getting hot in an instant. Even the sounds of me scanning the barcode were stiff and awkward. “That’ll be 9,000 won. Do you have a membership?”

Thankfully, my voice sounded natural.

“No, it’s fine.”

His voice was ridiculously calm and smooth. The back of my neck was hot. As I pulled out a plastic bag to put his drink in, I felt his gaze land on my workbook and milk—expired milk, that is—sitting on the counter.

I’d always put my stuff away when a customer walked in. Not this time. I felt a bit embarrassed, but it was too late to do anything about it now.

“Here you go…”

Trying to hide how dispirited I felt, I quickly handed him the plastic bag, but his gaze remained on my things.

However, he didn’t say anything.

What was he thinking? I couldn’t get a read on his calm, almost languid face. I was about to lower my hand, feeling awkward that he wasn’t taking the bag, when…

“Yes, thank you.”

He finally looked up and took the bag. Without delay, he turned on his heel and walked out the door.

Have a good night…

I couldn’t believe my nerves. It was as if I’d met the president of something. I mean, he was the idol of H High School, so he was practically a celebrity. I stared at the door he’d just walked out of until the sound of the bells faded out completely. I mentally chided myself for having acted like an absolute dolt.

Jaemin Shin. His name easily came to mind. He was the only student this year to have been accepted to I University.

The distance between us had expanded. Surely, he had no memory whatsoever of that encounter in the bathroom.

There was a bitter taste in my mouth, but I knew there was no reason to expend any energy or emotion over the matter. I finally pulled my gaze away, picked up my pencil, and opened my workbook again.

Ding-a-ling!

The door burst open once more with a lively sound of the bell.

“Welco—”

Just like before, I jerked up to welcome the customer, but I did not finish this time.

His face was a bit flushed, like he’d rushed back. After briefly catching his breath, Jaemin Shin said, “If you ever…”

I sensed a slight hesitance, so I was about to ask him if he’d left something behind. Instead, he approached me with that clean face of his and held out his hand. There was something in it.

“If you ever need a tutor, call me.”

On the piece of paper he held out was his name, “Jaemin Shin,” written alongside his number. His handwriting was made up of long strokes and the letters were a bit slim. It was very adultlike.

I was calmer than before. The expired milk, the workbook I had to sneak glances at like some criminal—how far had he been able to read into all that?

“Judging by your workbook, you go to H High School, right? I’m a third-year… I mean, a graduate now… from there.”

He filled the silence while I stared for a long while at the note. Finally, I looked up at him. The texture of his light brown hair somehow resembled his writing. On his pale complexion, he wore a gentle smile.

“My ultimate goal is research and teaching… And it seems to be in alignment with what you’re trying to do, so…”

It was quite uncharacteristic of Jaemin Shin to be self-conscious and make excuses for himself.

My eyes slid down to his dark brown coat. I didn’t have to touch it or look at the tag to know that it was very high quality.

I dropped my gaze to the empty counter and murmured a vague answer that hopefully implied my situation.

“I’m… working right now…”

It could have meant, Please don’t solicit inside someone else’s store, or, I’m so strapped for cash that I can’t even let go of my workbook at my part-time job. I wondered which direction his mind would go.

“Oh, well, that…”

He caught on quickly.

“I mean, it would be great teaching practice for me, so I’m sure we could work something out…”

He finished with a faint, sheepish smile, so I could tell which one of the two directions he’d taken.

Since recognizing the gap that lay between me and everyone else, I’d become a champion at hiding it. Secrecy was my middle name, and nothing scared me more than having my secrets exposed. Pity? I was terrified of it. But strangely, in this moment, I felt the heavy lock around my heart loosen like a ribbon.

The truth was, I wanted to cave in—to sink and collapse right here, right now. And maybe… Maybe I wanted someone to feel bad for me.

I slowly reached out my hand and took the paper.

All those hazy, sleepless nights, my heavy eyelids gave way to slumber. But since the moment I saw him, my memories were crystal clear.