I was doing so well. I was on the rise. A creature of heaven. I was finding myself.

Seeing you clearly, having you close... it brings me back. Makes me feel as though I never left the dark. It's there, hiding in my heart.

You used to be the one to raise me up, make me feel less alone. Now when I think of you, I feel more alone than ever.
As I live and breathe, I cannot escape your gravity. Foolishly, I love the soul of you with everything I have. But mortal living has tainted your heart and now you feed me poison along with the joy. The peace of you, warming me when I was so cold.. now shattered by a piece of you. There is no logic in it. I'm left holding the shadows of who I thought you were.

If this is what it is to love and be close to someone... I want to be alone.

I used to think that saying I'll follow you into the dark was a line of devotion.
No matter how rough, we will storm it together.
Anywhere... I would have followed you.

Now I see this type of thinking goes both ways. As happy as I am to have you in my heart of hearts, it feels like you don't bring me anything but down.

You want me to let it go and act like nothing matters. You want me to walk on. I cannot. Not with your knife following me into the night. Every night. It makes me want to turn my back on everything I have... to start walking and never stop.

******************

I've been here before. When someone dear hurts you in this way, it's time to be brave and say, "I love you but stay outside." And then gently -solidly- let the fences close. You deserve a better kind of love.

I'm so very tired. I just want someone to hold me, let me close my eyes and rest. But I can't allow it -for the birds of black will simply return as strong as ever when that person lets me go again.

Better to sit in the dark and hold myself together till I find my own light. I must learn to love myself in a way others can't seem to in this life.