“Hi,” Damien said with an awkwarded Lola behind him when I opened my door. They came well equipped, a bag seemingly full with drinks and bags of snacks - I think crips.

“Hi,” I opened the door wider “What are you doing here?”. I wasn’t really angry anymore, I hadn’t been since my talk with my dad. I just hadn’t liked it in the spit of the moment and my state hadn’t helped me regulate my surplus of emotions.

“Lola wants to say sorry” He said emptying the bag from its contents.

“I am sorry, I just really wanted to do it and thought I could convince you in time - I didn’t know they would display the programme so soon”

“But I had already told you no”

“I know but I- you know me. You don’t have to do it” 

That is what she was saying, but I did know her, so I conceded “I will do it,” Maybe it would be the push I needed “it seems important to you. And I guess I can follow a partition”

“I don’t want you to force yourself. Really. I can manage a career with or without this event” she laughed

“I thought about it today and I’ll do it” I wouldn’t say so if I wasn’t, I wouldn’t risk getting her hopes up to this kind of thing.

“You sure? ”

“I promise.” I rolled my eyes “Afraid I’ll finally outshine you?”

“As if” she punched my elbow, 

“Beers?” Damien proposed between us, one in each hand. Lola took one and I didn’t.

“I’ll just snack I think - where is Rence?”

“On a date I think, saw him out with Sasha” Damien responded, opening the beer left in his hand.

“Yeah? Saw him post a story he didn’t see with her. I’ll call him” I said

___

Twenty minutes later we were meeting Rence in a coffee shop. 

I saw him seated in a corner.

“So bad date,” I put my shin on his head “What happened this time?”

“Nothing,” He turned back to me, to us “we weren’t ever dating, just seeing each other from time to time” 

“I don’t understand what they find you” Lola said sitting down

“I am handsome and nice?” He responded

 “Jove is handsome and nice, so am I, and he is too” Lola said, pointing at myself, herself and Damien.

“Jove is not interested in anything. Damien has a crush he can’t admit to himself and you are pressed“ 

“Hey!” Damien jumped at the side-jabbing.

They laughed, 

“You’ll finish this way” Lola added, looking behind me, they laughed harder. I looked behind me, only to see Hollis, Aage and Elson “this is what happened when you don’t know when to stop – locked forever with garbage and a baby with that” 

They were laughing so much they had tears in their eyes. They barely made an attempt to be discreet about their mocking. I knew they were just joking but I felt incredibly uncomfortable.

“They are nice”  I said without wanting to, and harsher than I would ever go for.  They stopped laughing, surprised. Realising my unusual behaviour, I added “I think - they fit nicely together, don’t you think ?”

I was starting to make less and less sense. 

There was a bit of silence, thankfully broken by Rence.

“And here I thought you weren’t interested in anything,” Rence smirked putting his arms around my shoulders “Guess you want to try one, it’s good to be that open-minded Jove, just don’t get anyone pregnant” He teased, 

And I suddenly would rather he had shut up,

Hollis and I had a brief contact when I looked back,  before he directed it elsewhere - but Elson one was more appointed. I don’t know if they heard but they saw us laugh.

This one was alright but in the past we had been younger and more vehement towards Hollis.

I mean, we never bullied him, but once the news became known we would avoid him as anyone to avoid rumors. And if someone was mean to him I didn’t care. Because I didn’t want to get associated with that either.

There was one time, though, I had been particularly mean to him. Just after the holidays I discovered my predicament.

Seeing him and his behaviour made me realise what my life could be and could have been if I ever was public about it. It made me face my lack of power and it angered me.

So, when he bumped into me in the hallway, and tried to apologize. I took his front shirt and launched him off the floor, yelling at him to not touch me and because it didn’t seem enough. I took his bag and threw it on him.

I couldn't be this helpless being that couldn't help himself and that nobody wanted to help.

There was a bit of an audience but nobody minded. People ignored or mocked a bit.

I immediately went away and felt guilty about it. I cried in my car, parked away.

I apologized a few days later.

I had quietly followed him all morning to have him alone

“Hello” I blocked his view and he immediately tensed looking around probably for an issue. 

“Don’t worry I came to apologize” I reassured him “This is no excuse but I was having a really bad day and took it out on you. I am really sorry”

I couldn’t help but be especially when I noticed a mark on his face.

“Aah” he seemed surprised “don’t worry”

And I could hear ‘I am used to to it’

“I want to pay you lunch to say sorry” I said because it suddenly felt awfully shallow to cornered him, let the apology off my chest and go.

“Oh” He looked at me, perplexed, and even more frightened “I have a boyfriend actually”

“I know!” I loudly said surprised, “This is not it, I am not interested at all - Not that you don’t seem nice and friendly but I mean -”

I stopped to stare at him, and he was just here frozen, afraid of anything of any words or movements I could say and of all the wrong answers he could give. How frightening must it be to have an a dude who already hit you cornered you and let you think he wants to sleep with you.

I cried - because I was so weak I couldn’t even stop staples being laughed at him.

“I thought we could be friends” I removed my tears with my sleeves “outside of school” I hiccuped “He can come if it worries you, your boyfriend”

“Ok? Let’s exchange numbers then” He just looked at me, so I took his phone out of his  hand.

What started as one time awkward thing, eventually became interest then a genuine friendship