"The Velvet Lounge" was the kind of place that charged eighteen dollars for a drink because they put a single, spherical ice cube in it. It was dark, smelled of mahogany and bad decisions, and was currently the site of Freddie Wilson’s impending nervous breakdown.
"She is going to break something," Freddie whispered, clutching his ginger ale like a lifeline. He was sitting at a small corner table, designated as 'System Handler' for the night.
"Relax," Robin said, stealing a pretzel from his bowl. "Marco owes me a favor. Besides, look at her. She looks professional."
Freddie looked at the bar.
Selena stood behind the polished wood counter. Gone were the pirate corsets and orange polos. She was wearing a crisp white button-down shirt with the sleeves rolled up to her elbows, a black vest, and a black tie. She looked like a handsome anime butler who could kill you with a serving tray.
"I have synchronized with the inventory," Selena announced to Marco, the nervous manager. "I know the molecular structure of every fluid in this station. Let us dispense the ethanol."
Marco looked at Robin. "If she breaks a bottle, it’s coming out of your tips."
Phase 1: The Overclock
The night started with a roar. A bachelorette party—six women in matching pink sashes—stormed the bar. They were the "Woo Girls," and they demanded attention immediately.
"Omigod!" the Bride-to-Be squealed, pointing at Selena. "I love your vibe! You look so serious! Have a Jello shot with us!"
She held out a small plastic cup of wobbling green gelatin.
Freddie half-rose from his chair. "No, wait, don't—"
"I accept this gelatinous offering," Selena stated. She took the cup, tilted her head back, and slurped it down in one efficient motion.
It was vodka and sugar. Pure, refined fuel.
Selena’s eyes snapped wide open. Her pupils dilated.
"Glucose spike detected," she whispered, vibrating slightly. "Processor speed increased to 150%. Overclocking initiated."
"Make us Mojitos!" the Bride yelled.
"ACKNOWLEDGED."
Selena became a blur. She didn't just grab the mint; she snatched it from the air. She didn't muddle it; she pulverized it with a vibration of her hand. She grabbed three shakers at once, juggling them in a perfect arc over her head while pouring rum with her free hand.
She slammed six glasses onto the bar in perfect unison. Clack.
"Consume!" she shouted.
"Latency issue detected," she barked at a man trying to order a gin and tonic. Before he could finish the sentence, she had mixed the drink, garnished it, swiped his card, and placed the receipt in his pocket. "Your ping is terrible, human. Keep up."
Across the room, a busboy tripped, sending a glass tumbling toward the floor. Selena vaulted over the ice bin, slid on her knees across the floor, caught the glass millimeters from the ground, refilled it with water from a pitcher she grabbed mid-slide, and returned to the bar before the busboy hit the ground.
Freddie put his head on the table. "Oh no. She’s too efficient."
Phase 2: The Social Glitch
An hour later, two "Finance Bros" in fleece vests sat at the bar. They were mesmerized by her speed.
"That was insane," one Bro said. "I bet you can't handle a real drink, though." He slapped a twenty on the counter. "Pint of the Heavy Stout. Chug it. I wanna see if you're real."
Selena stared at the black beer. "Challenge accepted."
She lifted the glass. She opened her throat. The liquid vanished in one continuous pour. She slammed the empty glass down. "Vessel empty."
The reaction was instant.
Her face, usually pale and perfect, turned a bright, puffy, alarming shade of red. The "Asian Glow" hit her systems like a firewall breach. She touched her burning cheek.
"Warning," she slurred, her crisp diction dissolving into a mumble. "Thermal regulation... failing. System overheating. Fans are... broken."
She leaned over the bar, getting uncomfortably close to the Finance Bros, staring at them with watery eyes.
"You guys..." she hiccuped. "You guys have excellent texture mapping. Really high res. But your dialogue trees? Boring. Are you NPCs? Be honest. I won't judge the code."
She spun around, swaying, and pointed a finger at a couple on a first date near the taps.
"Bro!" she yelled at the man. "Your pheromone packets are dropping! She is not receiving the signal! You need to upgrade your bandwidth or she is gonna disconnect! Buy the expensive wine! It increases charisma stats by plus five!"
She tried to juggle a lemon. She missed. The lemon hit the floor.
Selena froze. She stared at the lemon. Her lower lip began to tremble. Tears welled up in her eyes.
"I failed you," she wept openly, hugging a bottle of vodka for comfort. "You were a good citrus unit. You deserved a better life than the floor."
Phase 3: Berserker Mode
The manic energy faded into a dark, brooding storm. Selena drifted to the end of the bar, where Old Man Jenkins, a sad regular, was nursing a whiskey.
"My wife took the dog," Jenkins muttered into his glass. "And my boss is riding me about the quarterly reports."
"Life is a glitchy server," Selena muttered, her red face now set in stone.
"Have one with me," Jenkins said, pouring a shot of Jack Daniels into a spare glass. "To misery."
"Dark fuel," Selena whispered. "Accepted."
She downed the shot.
The sugar high was gone. The beer bloat was gone. Now, there was only the Jack.
Selena’s eyes narrowed.
"Aggression inhibitors disabled," she growled. "PvP Mode: ACTIVE."
She slammed the glass down so hard the coaster cracked.
"Who is this boss?" she demanded, grabbing Jenkins by the lapels. "Give me his IP address, Jenkins. We will destroy him. I will burn his village. I will salt his fields. He will rue the day he debuffed you."
"I... I just wanted to complain, miss," Jenkins squeaked.
The Climax
The door opened. Three young men walked in, looking tired and defeated. They just wanted a quiet drink after getting roasted at the tech repair shop.
Trevor, Chad, and Kyle.
"Just a beer, please," Trevor sighed, looking at the floor. "And maybe a—"
He looked up.
Selena was standing on top of the bar. Her face was bright red. Her tie was around her forehead like Rambo. She was holding a bottle of Jack Daniels by the neck like a club.
"TREVOR," she bellowed.
"NO!" Trevor screamed, clutching Chad. "We didn't know! We didn't know you were here!"
"You disturb my drinking companion Jenkins!" Selena roared. "You lower the property value of this server!"
She vaulted off the bar, clearing the taps in a single leap. She landed in front of them, swaying dangerously.
"Run!" Chad yelled. He turned to flee.
A house fly buzzed around Chad’s head, annoying him.
Selena’s eyes tracked the fly. In her drunken, red-faced rage, she saw the trajectory lines. She grabbed a lime wedge from a nearby table.
"Target locked," she mumbled.
She flicked the lime with her thumb. It flew across the room like a bullet.
THWACK.
The lime hit the fly in mid-air, pinning the insect directly to the center of Chad’s forehead. Chad stopped running, cross-eyed, looking at the lime stuck to his face.
"Headshot," Selena whispered, throwing up peace signs.
From a booth nearby, a college student lowered his phone. He had recorded the whole thing.
The Aftermath
"YOU VAULTED THE BAR!"
Marco came sprinting out of the back. "You threatened the customers! You’re wearing a tie on your head! You’re drunk!"
"I am optimized!" Selena shouted back, stumbling.
"You’re fired! Get her out of here!"
Selena looked at Marco. She looked at the terrified Frat Bros huddled in the corner. She grabbed the half-full bottle of Jack Daniels.
"This quest sucks," she declared, spitting a piece of ice onto the floor. "The loot tables are garbage. Come, Administrator."
She pointed at Freddie. "Carry me. My gyroscope is offline."
Freddie sighed, stood up, and walked over. He hoisted the red-faced, mumbling, deadly cyborg over his shoulder in a fireman’s carry.
"I failed the lemon, Freddie," she sobbed into his back as he carried her out. "I failed the lemon."
The Tease
As they walked out the door, the college student in the booth hit "Upload."
Video Title: Real Life Anime Girl Destroys Frat Boy with Lime.
Hashtags: #Waifu #Skillz #Headshot #DrunkNinja
The view count ticked from 0 to 100 in ten seconds. Then 1,000. Then 10,000.
Arc 2 had officially begun.