I was suffering unbearably - a mix between my state and the side effects of not having my usual doses medecine. From an extern point point of view, I probably only seemed extremely ill-at-ease, even sick. But they couldn’t  quite know what was currently happening. At least, not yet. It was only a matter of time until everyone would be able to sense it. 

I didn’t have much other option to get a syringe - I needed to wait. And I knew for sure the pills couldn’t be enough whether I took the whole bottles or not. I couldn’t just let it happen either, so I opted for plan B. 

Or plan D.

A stranger was in no way a safe or easy option. And within the people, I knew they were so few that could agree, the most plausible one would be Rence. With its detached behaviour to intimacy I could probably convince him if I told him I wanted to try. Then again, he never went for his friends.

I drived to his house. It was now or never. I was afraid  but it was my last chance so I went to him. I breathe a few times in front of his door before knocking. I mentally tried to rehearse how I would ask him but it was hard to formulate even in my head. So I just knocked again.

“Hi, sorry to bother you but I wanted to ask you something” I asked immediately when he opened the door, a bit too quickly but it was the only sentence I had rehearsed.

“Yeah?”

“This is a bit embarrassing but” I looked around to ensure nobody was outside, “Are you alone?” I couldn't say anything if he had friends or family over.

“Yes? But enter. Do you want a drink – I have leftover in the fridge” He opened the door wider, and I took the familiar and large living room -- larger than our own - but that currently felt suffocating.

“No,” I followed in inside but put my back on the door “I just need to tell  you something”

“Of course,” He turned back "go on” 

“You know how you are always going on date with a lots ofpeople” I tried to articulate my train of thoughts but I was feeling lesser and lesser “I want to try- I mean I want this”

“You want relationship advice?”

And he was starting to look visibly deranged. 

“I want something with you” My cheeks were burning and I was feeling hot, due to my predicament and the embarrassment. I definitely hadn't planned enough.“I know you don’t do relationships but I just want to try with you but today” I looked at the floor

“Oh, Oh Jove,” I heard after a bit, “I- I honestly don’t know what to say. Where is this coming from? You've never been interested,”

Nowhere, nothing I could tell him. I didn’t have any answer that would make him sleep with me, so I stayed quiet.

“You know what? I don’t need to know. You are obviously really agitated”  He took my trembling hands in his “Let’s speak about it later”

“Maybe I like you” I looked up “I love you” I took his wrist

“Jove” He let go of my hands and moved back, but I hugged him in desperation “No, please, just today. I beg you. I have always loved you”

“Just stop” He pried himself from myself putting me at arm lengths “I don’t want to." he said and I was mortified, and terrified. “You are acting strange, should I get you home?”

“No, don’t bother” I turned back bitter and embarrassed

“See you tomorrow”

I didn’t look back and close the door,