Varian plucked at his jeans, shaking his head. Stained red hands and the man’s strong body behind him came to mind. His eyes met Padriac’s in hopes that the images would go away. When they didn’t, he looked down at his shoes.

“I’ve been having these…these…thoughts.” He couldn’t get the words out fast enough. The pictures and the memories of the man and what he’d done…he would never forget those things. What was he suppose to tell Padriac? “They’re not good thoughts.”

They were far from anything good. They were thoughts of an unwell person.

Padriac scratched the back of his neck. “You mean—you’ve been having suicidal thoughts?”

“What? N-No. Not that.” 

He was actually surprised he didn’t want to kill himself. He just wanted someone else to do it for him. He wasn’t even strong enough to do something as simple as slit his wrists.

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

“I-I want to…hurt other people.”

A beat of silence passed. In that span of time, he could feel his heartbeat slow to a melodic beat. The wind blew in his ears, but the sound was muffled. Gloomy darkness settled in the sky and shadows came out with sharp teeth. They danced in the corner of his eyes. 

For that one second, neither of them were at school. They were in the forest when everything changed for them. And Varian was falling into an abyss of darkness.

He started to remember something, but it was gone before he could make out any details.

He was drowning in the darkness. 

“Are you okay?”

The touch of Padriac’s hand on his shoulder jolted him out of the moment. He was saved from the haunting memory of the dark forest and the man chasing after him. He shivered as he imagined the hand on his shoulder wasn’t Padriac’s, but it was the man’s. He jumped when Padriac stepped close to him, squeezing his shoulder.

“I’m going to go. What were you saying? I thought you had something to tell me?”

Dumbfounded, Varian stood stalk still. He gaped at Padriac, not sure if he was trying to make a joke or if he was being serious. The words were lodged in his throat. 

Padriac laughed. “Okay. I’ll see you later.”

He left with only a casual goodbye. 

“Padriac…” Varian whispered to no one. Padriac was long gone. He was alone and so confused he couldn’t quite grasp what had happened.

He thought Padriac’s disgust would be enough to rid the evil thoughts from his mind. But to be ignored felt worse than any banishment would. Had he even said what he thought he said? Did he admit to his sins?

All he knew was that his chance to speak was gone. He didn’t think he could work up the courage to do it again.

He dug his fingernails into his skin. The sight of blood would calm him. He needed to see it.

This addiction was consuming him. Could anyone blame him when he’d tried to seek help?

He swore he tried.

It wasn’t his fault no one had come running when he screamed.

***

He somehow ended up in the forest. It was the same one they’d gone to when he was taken. The lake was more sad looking now than it had looked before. It had been warmer. Now, he was bundled in his hoodie and his coat on top of that. His feet were ice cold to the point he couldn’t feel his toes. His hands were numb. He rubbed them together.

As he looked out at the once again murky water, he tried to think if all this pain was really worth it. It wasn’t as if he was going to actually kill himself. He wasn’t strong enough to do so. It didn’t mean anything.

But that was hypocritical of him. If thinking this didn’t mean anything then thinking about hurting someone else shouldn’t mean anything either. 

But it did.

It sure fucking did.

He turned away from the lake. The sun was gone. All there was was gray skies. There would only be gray skies for him until he took his last breath. The sun had vanished a long time ago—when he was too young enough to remember the warmth of it on his skin.

“Gotcha!”

Varian screamed as Kacey collided into him. They fell back into the dirt. Rocks bit into Varian’s back. The sharp pain made him cry out again. He shoved at Kacey’s chest, beating on it like a madman.

“Get the fuck off me!”

He didn’t know where the burst of anger had come from. All he knew was that he fucking hated Kacey in that moment. He wanted to punch him in the face until he started bleeding out of his nose and his mouth was all bloody from the impact. 

Kacey laughed as he rolled over. He didn’t seem at all bothered by the glare Varian was sending him or the fact Varian was frozen in the spot. His chest heaved and he had to chase for breath. Touching people was getting worse. It was made worse when they touched him first and they did it without warning.

“Up you go.” Kacey grabbed Varian by the arm and hauled him up off the ground. 

Varian slapped his hand away.

Kacey held his hands up as if that was enough to apologize for what he’d done. “Hey. Sorry. I didn’t mean—“

“Fuck you.”

Varian stormed off without giving Kacey a chance to defend himself. He didn’t give a fuck about what kind of excused Kacey had for himself. Varian was dealing with enough at the moment. He didn’t need this sort of shit on top of all that.

Kacey was a dick sometimes. Varian hadn’t really thought about it until then. He sort of thought it came with being friends with Kacey. He made unfunny jokes and side remarks that made Varian uncomfortable. But he was a nice guy. He was fun to be around and he always made Varian feel like he was part of the group.

He was the one person who didn’t make things awkward.

However, it also meant he didn’t know when he crossed the line. It meant he couldn’t pick up on social queues and figure out when he should just shut his mouth. Or when enough was enough. 

He could hear Kacey running after him. He didn’t get very far when Kacey started walking with him. Kacey was taller—a lot taller. He had the advantage of being able to take two steps while Varian had to take four to keep ahead of him.

“Vari. I said I’m sorry. I don’t know what I did wrong.” He reached out for Varian again, but Varian yanked his arm away. His hand barely grazed Varian’s arm.

Even if they touched through the thick layers he was wearing, it was still enough to trigger him. It didn’t matter how light or rough the touch was. He couldn’t handle any of it. 

“Tell me?”

Varian stopped. He was shaking as he met Kacey’s eyes. His curly hair fell in front of his face. It was a shielding curtain. He felt safer behind it for some reason.

He wasn’t used to see Kacey like this. 

His eyes were vacant. They weren’t exactly clear. There was some emotion behind them, but it was so hidden it was lost amongst a clear glaze. Varian became very uncomfortable the longer he looked into his eyes. Instead of feeling like Kacey was looking right into his soul and his thoughts, he was the one that was left feeling like he was intruding on something private. 

He felt like he was peering into the center of Kacey’s being.

And there was nothing there.

He looked away as the horrid thought appeared in his head. He felt horrible for thinking that. Even if it didn’t mean much at all.

He tried to curl further into his coat. The wind was getting rougher. It was getting so strong it was threatening to knock him over.

He gave a sad shrug. “I don’t want to be touched.”

The weight wasn’t lifted like he thought it would be. It was still there. Suffocating him. Wrapping its cold hands around his throat and holding him down so he couldn’t do anything. 

Kacey took a step forward.

Varian’s eyes widened. He tried to take a step back, but Kacey kept coming toward him.

“What are you doing?” He shook his head. His heart pushed into the back of his throat. He thought he was going to die. What was Kacey thinking after he told him what was wrong with him?

Kacey didn’t touch him though. Varian’s back hit the trunk. Kacey placed his hands on the tree, caging Varian in.

Even though Kacey was invading his space and close to doing what Varian had told him not to do, he wasn’t scared. Through it all, his heart wasn’t racing because he was scared. It was the anticipation making it hard to breathe and his skin hot.

Their fogged breath mixed in the air between them. 

He wanted to push him away. But he didn’t want to touch him. He still didn’t want to touch him. 

He couldn’t close his eyes. Kacey leaned in. His lips were almost close to Varian’s neck. Varian stared at the other trees. They were closing in on him. 

And then it was over.

Kacey backed away, looking as if nothing had happened. 

He slid his hands off the tree and looked away from Varian as if he was ashamed of what he’d done. Varian’s heart was about to burst out of his chest. He didn’t know what the hell all that was about. 

It was almost like what had happened with Padriac earlier today. It seemed like it was all in his head.

Like it actually hadn’t happened.

But he was so sure it had.

And this was no dream. 

Kacey began to walk away. When Varian didn’t immediately follow him, he turned around. His eyes roamed over Varian’s frozen form. He hadn’t moved a muscle since he was let out of Kacey’s trap. 

“Are you coming?”

Kacey smiled. It was crooked, sliding up one side of his face. 

Varian clenched and unclenched his hands a couple times. They’d gone cold in the time they’d been standing out there.

“Yeah.” His voice broke.

He forced his feet to move and follow Kacey back to the regular trail.