Act of Disappearing

Sometimes it feels like it would be so easy to just disappear. I say that it feels like it would, because? No, not really; It would not be easy to “just” disappear. What does that really mean anyway? In a morbid sense, disappear as in die? Or to be forgotten, or both? I guess it’s something our minds trick us into thinking it’s something we want, when it’s really not. As if it would be some quick fix that could happen right away. When I think of disappearing, it’s mostly this vague idea of wanting to get away from my reality. Not in the foolish sense that I am trying to reject it, but as I accept it and see how it progresses, I long for anything impossible. But this is one of those things that, thankfully, is neither entirely possible or something to be seriously considered. But it’s incredible what our minds can attempt to rationalize to people, especially ourselves. It’s almost surprising… and more of a surprise to me, that a few times people have said some really, incredible things to me, about me. I think, what did I really do to deserve this, or what can I do to? 

I recently had an interesting late night talk with a friend of mine. He had a small birthday party on Sunday, with the last person leaving around 5-6:00pm, but I wound up staying until nearly midnight. A good portion of time with everyone was spent playing Minecraft, which while I attempted to engage in for a bit, I began to dislike most videogames around thirteen. So, things didn’t really get interesting for me until everyone else left and we started watching House while occasionally being interrupted by his younger brother, ate Borscht their mother made, and then had our little talk where we shared some of our problems. Of course, that’s not all, but it was probably mainly what we spoke about.

There are two things that stood out to me the most that he said to me: One a question, the other one of those aforementioned.. Quite incredible things. I guess I’ll start with the former.

“Why do you hide so much?” 

It was a genuine question, not said as an insult I can vaguely recall being criticized for before by someone else. It was in regards to physically, in photos and video, especially. It’s too complicated to fully get into here, but the best way to put it is I feel how I look is not representative of who I am and maybe then people would only see what they want to believe. My father hated, and hates, taking photos of himself because he hates seeing how he grows old. I don’t feel the same way for that reason, but it goes to show people dislike being on camera for various reasons. My current reason is that I have more to say in words than a picture of my face could possibly even begin to convey. At least that’s what I’d choose to say. Part of it is also that the permanency of an image could serve as a reminder, even if the picture is one I particularly like? That’s sometimes even worse.

Now for the incredible part, and where I start getting back to the (disappearing) point of this:

My friend said something along the lines of, “I think you’re going to do something great that will have an impact on people. I think so, maybe you don’t think so, but. You said, you wanted to be a teacher, right? That would definitely impact people.”

Maybe, though who knows what I’ll do. It reminds me of what our other friend’s mother told me a month or two ago. Which is relevant, because I’m again starting to think increasingly about the impossible of somehow “giving up”. What she said is meant to encourage the complete opposite of that; To not limit yourself to whatever you think is all you’ll ever be able to do, because I too often claim to myself that I’m okay with never doing anything real meaningful in my life. Using “Operating on no expectations will lead to little disappointment” as an excuse.

Those were two real instances I could think of, probably because they were recent and not said by my parents. Well, I have heard some incredible words from the mouths of my parents, my mother especially. Though I wouldn’t say a majority were or are helpful. As expected with your own parents, or whoever raises you, since you spend so much time with them at some point, you’re more likely to hear things from them that you’d rather not compared to, say, the parent(s) of a friend. I doubt it’s because it’s reflecting them as people, it just makes more sense it would just happen that way. It doesn’t matter much how you view yourself, or what people say to you. It seems everyone should be destined to do incredible things… or at least, something that could be considered incredible. So why would anyone still want to disappear knowing this?

I don’t think I can really fully explain it, why someone with no good reason to, would think of choosing this. Sometimes I still get this idea of finding myself alone in the wilderness, finding a soft patch of grass or tree to pass away on. It feels better, imagining some peacefully bizarre scenario where you’ll never be found and that could never happen, compared to something that is not and more likely could. It’s being free of being so tired, it’s being free of being so alert. It’s being free of expectations, it’s being free of consequences. We could go back and forth on arguing what it could be doing, or what it’s definitely not. At the very least, it’s to avoid something. And I know if I continue on this path to a place that doesn’t exist I will cease to exist as well. But my legs could numbly walk on and on it for well of the rest of my life.