“I trusted you,” you whisper, your voice almost inaudible thanks to the caterwauling catapults. Then BTS’ broad shoulders fill your view, and the killer kittens fall silent. You peek around him and see them slumbering in his arms. Luna, however, is frowning.

“Scream,” she hisses at you.

“What’s going on?” BTS demands. “And your explanation had better be good.”

She sighs, and then she lets out an ear-piercing scream that wakes the kittens, which puff up their fur and launch themselves into the air, hissing balls of fluffy fright and fury. They hit the floor and scatter. Luna picks up the door and sets it back in its frame. “Hopefully, they’ll buy that.”

“Who will buy what?” BTS growls.

“Oh, don’t look at me like that! Do you honestly think I’d weaponize kittens to kill Y/n?”

“It sure looks like it,” you mutter.

“Yeah, well, looks can be deceiving. I thought you, of all people, would know that by now. Can we sit down? I’ve been on my feet all night.”

You and BTS move into the bedroom area and sit at the foot of the bed, eyeing Luna all the while. BTS is keeping himself between you and her. You’d think that was sweet if you weren’t so irritated with her right now. She looks like an Arctic version of Catwoman in her form-fitting black snowsuit, and there’s something feline about her movements as she sits cross-legged on the floor.

A pink nose and a set of white whiskers poke out from under the bed. She beckons to the kitten, and it creeps out of hiding to climb into her lap. “I’m sorry, little one, but it was all part of the plan,” she says, her voice now soft and soothing as she pets its orange fur.

“What plan?” BTS asks. “If you don’t start talking—”

She waves her hand at him. “Yeah, yeah, I know. You’re mad; I get that. I was mad, too, when I got kidnapped on the way to buy some food. Well, maybe I was doing a little snooping before I left, but that’s not the point. I now have valuable information you two need to hear.”

A pair of brown ears followed by big blue eyes appears over the edge of the bed. Kitten number two claws its way up the comforter and walks toward you. It purrs as it nuzzles your hand. You sigh and tickle its chin. “You got kidnapped? Let me guess…”

“The Ice Pickers Party,” Luna confirms, nodding. “Which is affiliated with the Ravioli family, and oh, they’re not even staying here at the hotel. Didn’t you notice the parking lot when we got here? There were only three cars. One for the desk clerk, one for whoever was in charge of the grape jelly, and one for the guy who was watching the exits so you couldn’t escape. Yes, I know about the grape jelly; I overheard them talking about it when the guy watching the exits nabbed me and took me to their hideout. Anyway, they’re as dumb as the Raviolis, so I sold them a bill of goods about how you two are trying to elope, and you ended up kidnapping me when I got on the helicopter with you, and I just wanted to see Y/n dead so I could go back and marry Alpha Empty-head, yada, yada, yada. They bought it, hook, line, and sinker. They were even kind enough to let me be the next one to take a crack at you.” She beams. “Aren’t you glad?”

“You told them we’re eloping?” you shriek. “Why would you tell them that?”

Kitten number three had been slinking out of the bathroom, but it leaps straight upwards three feet, spins one hundred and eighty degrees, hits the tiled floor with all claws extended, runs in place for a few seconds, and then bolts back to safety.

“R. mi’s gonna kill me…” BTS moans.

“Actually, R. mi is offering a reward to whoever kills Y/n, not you,” Luna corrected him.

You groan and put your face in your hands. “Of course she is. And now the whole world wants to murder me. Well, it was nice knowing all of you.”

“Oh, hush. Everybody knows R. mi’s as nuts as they come,” Luna reassures you. “Only the gold diggers with no morals will want to murder you.”

“That’s too large a proportion of the population for my liking.”

“Okay, we’re getting sidelined here. That isn’t the important part.”

“People trying to murder me isn’t the important part?” You sit up straight and roll your eyes. “I’m so glad my life means so little to you.”

“I told you, most people aren’t trying to murder you! And it’s because of how much you two value life that I know you’ll care about this! The IPP kidnapped the desk clerk’s granddaughter to make him cooperate! They don’t have the nerve to kill her if something goes wrong, but the mafia does, and we can’t let that happen, can we?”

BTS glances at you. “No, we can’t,” he says. “But the more strays we pick up while we’re on the run, the harder it’ll be for us to disappear.”

You shake your head. “We can’t disappear yet, anyway. You need to break it off with R. mi in person, and we still have to rescue Freytag. Who knows what’s happening to her right now?”

Someone’s stomach growls. You look at Luna and then at BTS. Her lips are turning up into a smirk, and he’s blushing.

“Maybe we should eat something first,” he mutters, averting his gaze to the kitten that’s making a second attempt at exiting the bathroom. It stalks across the carpet toward Luna and rubs against her side. She scoops it onto her lap with the first kitten.

“This hotel serves breakfast. BTS and I can get something to eat and bring it back for you, Y/n,” she suggests.

“No. Absolutely not. You’re not leaving me alone here. Assuming I can trust you—and you still haven’t convinced me—people try to kill me whenever I’m away from BTS.” You hug his arm. “I’m going with you two.”

“If they see you, they’ll know I lied, and then what’ll happen to that girl?” Luna asks. “They won’t try to kill you if they think you’re already dead.”

BTS sighs. “I’ll just stay here with Y/n. You can get breakfast for all three of us.”

“No way!” you interject. “If we let her go anywhere alone, she may sell us out for real this time! No. We can… order room service, or something.”

Luna raises an eyebrow. “Do you really think this hotel offers room service?”

BTS holds up a hand. “Wait. I’ve got it. Ow. Could you let go of me, Y/n? I’m just going to the phone.”

Your violet cheeks redden. You hadn’t realized you were digging your fingernails into him until he complained. Luna smirks at you, and you look away from her in time to see a black tail disappear beneath the bed. Kitten number four is still in hiding.

“Hello, is this the front desk? This is BTS Hunk in—well, you can see the room number I’m calling from, right? Yeah. No, don’t say it. I…” He clears his throat, and then his face twists in mock agony. “I don’t want to hear it out loud, and I can’t stay here any longer. It hurts too much to see her…” He covers the receiver with his hand and looks at you and Luna. None of you speak for a moment. As he listens, the corner of his lip twitches. He uncovers the receiver and puts on his affected grieving voice again. “Sorry, I just needed a minute. Have Ravioli’s men get a car ready for me. I know this was his doing. Yeah. And come here to let me know. No. No calls. Alright. I’ll see you in a few minutes.” He hangs up the phone and turns to you and Luna with a sly grin. “Get the kittens packed and ready to go. We’re going to the IPP headquarters.”

Luna jumps to her feet and deposits her two kittens in the basket. You hand her yours and tell her, “The other one’s under the bed. So… what about me?”

“We’ll wrap you in a blanket and take you with us,” BTS says. He feigns a pained expression. “I can’t bear to leave your body behind. You’ll need a proper burial before I can truly move on with my life.”

Luna laughs. “Not a bad plan. Y/n, lie down. We’d better start wrapping you up.”

“Not yet,” BTS intervenes. “We’re talking to the clerk about his granddaughter before we go.”

There’s a knock at the door. It crashes to the floor, and the kittens scatter once again as the desk clerk stands there, looking baffled. Then he sees you and looks even more confused. BTS grabs him by the shoulder and ushers him inside, leaving you face-to-face with the wide-eyed clerk while BTS puts the door back in its frame.

“You’re… not dead…”

“They kidnapped your granddaughter, didn’t they? What can you tell me about her?” you ask him, not bothering to explain your surprising liveliness.

“You’re… alive…”

Maybe you should explain a little, though. He seems rather shell-shocked.

“Yes, she’s alive, and we’re on our way to rescue your granddaughter,” BTS says to him. “What’s her name? Do you have a picture of her? Anything you can tell us will help.”

“Oh, yes!” He pulls out his phone and shows his home screen to you. A familiar iridescent dragon smiles at you from the background image. “My darling Freytag… she’s been missing for so long, only to return and get kidnapped…”

Now you’re the one who’s shell-shocked. Luna pauses in her kitten collection to lean over your shoulder and look at the phone. “Freytag? Like Freytag’s pyramid? And isn’t that a dragon?”

“Yes, she’s named after Freytag’s pyramid. Freytag of Doom. Her mother always hated creative writing classes. Funny, since she’s a New York Times bestselling novelist now…”

“Your last name is ‘of Doom’?” BTS asks.

The clerk glares at him. “Your last name is ‘Hunk.’”

“Wait a minute. That dragon—Freytag—is your granddaughter?” you interrupt. When the legitimate Clerk of Doom nods, you continue, “Um… Is it okay if we bring her back to you later? She and I were kind of working on something when… stuff… happened.”

“As long as she’s safe, that’s fine! I just want her to be okay!”

“Alright.” You flop down on the bed. “Wrap me up. We’ve got to get moving. It’s a full moon tonight, isn’t it? The last thing we need is to transform into werewolves on the helicopter ride back.”

Luna snickers. “That sounds like a bad science fiction movie: Three Werewolves on a Helicopter.”

“And you’re telling us everything you know about Freytag’s pyramid later,” you tell her.

“Oh, I can tell you about it now. It won’t take long. See—”

“No,” you interrupt her. “This is how you’ll prove I can trust you. Hold on to it until I tell you to spill the beans.”

She pouts. “Well, fine, then.”

She and BTS turn you into a burrito, and then BTS carries you out to the waiting car. The blanket muffles everything, but you hear him refuse to hand you off to the Ravioli thugs and insist upon taking your body with him, and the next thing you know, you’re lying on his and Luna’s laps in the back seat, on the way to the IPP hideout. It’s hot in the blanket. You’re still in your flannel pajamas, too, and you’re sweating. You hope this car ride doesn’t take too long.

BTS is playing his role to perfection. He’s alternately sad and snippy, delivering curt orders to the Ravioli men whenever it seems appropriate to him. Since he grew up in the mafia, you assume he knows what he’s doing. Luna, meanwhile, is silent. You don’t know what she’s thinking. You want to believe she’s still on your side, but something about her shouting a plan and a letter while throwing a basket of kittens at you makes that hard. Planned letters are not your friends. Neither are things thrown at you.

Weaponized kittens? Really? you think at me.

You thought the eggs were a joke, too, until you ended up in the hospital. Think about it. Allergies. Clotting disorders. Blood-thinning medications. There are reasons for people to fear sharp claws and teeth. And have you seen the size of a kitten’s canine teeth? They’re like hypodermic needles. A kitten can do some serious damage under the right circumstances. Oh, but the car’s stopping now, and you should pay attention.

Oh, but the car’s stopping now, and you should pay attention.

“This isn’t right,” you hear Luna say. “I know the IPP address, and this isn’t it.”

“Get out of the car,” BTS orders the men. You hear car doors slamming, and then BTS slides out from under you and leaves. Another car door slams.

Luna snickers. “He’s hot when he’s angry.”

“Hands off,” you tell her.

“Yeah, yeah, I know. He’s yours. Have you made a move on him yet?”

You squirm. “Kind of…”

After a few dull thuds outside, a car door opens and shuts. “What’s that address, Luna?” BTS asks, now in the driver’s seat. She rattles it off while you claw your way out of the blanket. Fresh air tastes so wonderful.

“Hey, you’re not purple anymore,” Luna says. “But you’re all sweaty. Ew.”

“Shut up and listen,” you tell her. “Here’s the plan.”

It’s a quiet little town in North Dakota, with snow piled up on either side of the road and people shoveling their sidewalks clean. Some of them wave to you. You wave back. Kids are out playing in the snow, and it’s all so peaceful and suburban. Maybe this will be your life someday. Maybe this is your life, and you’ve just forgotten it.

BTS pulls the car into an unassuming driveway. “You sure this is the place?”

“Positive,” Luna tells him.

The three of you climb out of the car, with you and BTS still in pajamas and not questioning it, and Luna leads the way up the front walk to the door. She rings the doorbell. You wait behind her and BTS, hidden from the unsuspecting ice picker who answers.

“Hello?”

“I’m BTS. BTS Hunk.”

“Oh, um…”

“Step aside.”

“Yes, sir.”

It’s a normal-looking hallway in a normal-looking house, and it leads to a normal-looking living room, where everything becomes abnormal.

“Rrawk. You’re gonna get it now, you rotten, low-down, lily-livered—”

Yes, that’s your parrot, spouting obscenities from its cage. Beside it is a hamster cage containing Freytag, and at least a dozen mafia men and ice pickers are drawing their weapons and pointing them at you. But you’ve come prepared.

“Deploy Plan L!” you shout.