I took a deep breath, carefully considering what I wanted to say.

You
Okay so let me say what I need to say
I’ll let you know when I’m done

Chloe
You got it

Tommy
Sure thing gurl

Jackson
Of course

You
So basically y’know how you guys all have some issues with your mental health? Well I know that everyone sorta knows about each other, but we’ve never like directly spoken about it before because it just makes everyone uncomfortable.
But like I still worry so much about you guys, and as the person of the group who like… doesn’t have as many issues? I kinda take it upon myself to make sure u guys are okay
And I’m not gonna lie I definitely have suspicions about all of ur diagnosis’
But lately I’ve been getting really anxious, and I’m sure as you saw after the fight, I’ve had a few panic attacks recently regarding everything that’s going on
Bc I care about you and am so scared of something happening
So yeah
That’s it I guess

And with that, I sat on my bed and stared at my phone screen, refusing to even blink as I waited for a response.

Minutes ticked by, dots appeared and disappeared people typed and deleted messages, then finally – after about fifteen minutes – I got the first response.

Chloe
Wdym by issues

Well that was a dry response. Clearly I hadn’t worded my message clear enough.

You
No not in a bad way
Just like mental health

Chloe
So we have them and you don’t

You
No, I just thought like
I have the most normal life
I guess

Jackson
Just because I have a shitty father
And I have bad coping mechanisms
Doesn’t make me any less normal than you

You
No thats not what I meant

Chloe
Yeah well
Thats what it sounded like

This is what I was worried about. Saying something stupid and upsetting my friends. Jackson and Chloe were both very chill people, and are both quite difficult to make angry. And now I’ve done just that. I’d brought up all their biggest insecurities and laid them on the table, in a much less than sensitive way.

It felt like I was a witness to a crime, trying to explain what I’d seen, but instead I’d pointed all the evidence towards myself and been unintentionally backed into a corner.

Tommy
Do u not think we can handle ourselves
Zoey we’re seventeen

Chloe
Thank you Tommy
Somebody speaking sense
And these diagnosis’s?
Wdym by that

Jackson
What exactly have you diagnosed me with

Tommy
Do u only hang out with us bc of this
Bc you want to protect us?

You
No of course not!!
I really love you guys
Thats why I care so much

Chloe
You might care about us
But you’re not our mother

Tommy
Yeah exactly
You don’t think our parents can take care of us?

You
Jackson’s can’t

The moment I pressed the send button, I knew I’d said the wrong thing. I wanted to delete the messaged, but it had already been read by both Jackson and Chloe.

You
Wait sorry
That was wrong
I shouldn’t have said that

Jackson
That was a low blow
I’m gonna pretend you didn’t say that

Chloe
And you still haven’t told us what issues you think we have

You
Maybe we should talk in person
It would be easier

Tommy
We won’t see u for 2 weeks
Minimum

Jackson
We’ve already started this convo
May as well finish it
We’re listening

Well that was frustrating. I’d very clearly gone the wrong way about this, despite my very best intentions. Never in my life had I dealt with mental health in such a rough manner, had treated it with such insensitivity. I needed to make things right.

You
I’m so sorry for the words I’ve been using
I don’t mean to offend you guys
I just… don’t really know how to talk about it

Chloe
Fine
Clean slate
Start again
What do you have to say

You
Thank you
I really appreciate that

Tommy
Spit it out
(respectfully)
(in a not sarcastic way)
(joking manner btw)
(clean slate and all that)

Jackson
We get it Tommy
Zoey, just say what you need to say
Diagnose me
Maybe it will be helpful anyways

Tommy
Besides
I did tell Zoey once that she was the only normal one in the group
And she got mad and said we don’ thave problems

Chloe
I guess we did
Sorry I was so dry Zo
I just got defensive I guess
Y’know I don’t like talking about my… yknow… issues

You
You know I don’t think you guys have issues
Like problems
It’s okay to struggle with mental health

Jackson
We know you didn’t think that
I think we’re all just on edge
From the fight and all that

You
I understand
I’ll try to be more cautious next time

Chloe
We love you too Zo
We’re all ears

I could breathe I sigh of relief, knowing that my friends knew I didn’t mean what they’d interpreted my text to mean.

You
Okay well…
I think Zoey has some sort of eating disorder and OCD? I think Tommy has separation anxiety because of the losses he had in his life and some sort of panic disorder? Jackson most likely has depression, but I’m sure self-harm is a mental disorder in itself.

Chloe
That makes sense I suppose

Tommy
Oh I definitely do

Jackson
Yeah… it’s like I get into a weird headspace

You
Do you guys like… wanna talk about it?

Chloe
Not right now
It’s been a full on week
I think I want to sleep on that
See what I think

Jackson
Yeah I’ve been doing not too bad lately
I don’t want to get too stressed
Talk tomorrow?

Tommy
Yeah sure guys
@Chloe, do you wanna call?

You
Okay guys, talk tomorrow :)
@Tommy yeah ofc
Call whenever you want

Tommy
Okay just lemmie go pee real quick
Then I’ll call

------------------------------------

Several minutes later, my phone buzzed in my hand, and I picked it up quickly to make sure my parent’s wouldn’t hear the melodic – and slightly annoying – song a ringing phone produces.

“Hey,” I mumbled, keeping my voice low. “We need to speak quietly so my parents don’t hear me.”

“Oh yeah… you’re not meant to be on your phone are you?”

“No, but I heard you guys texting before and I just couldn’t help it.”

“Wow,” I could practically hear him rolling his eyes. “Rebel.”

“Always,” I smirked, tension lifting off my shoulders. “What did you want to talk about?”

“The whole mental health thing.”

“Oh, okay.” I was a little bit nervous, but my friends had clearly all calmed a little bit since the initial shock of being confronted. “What did you want to say?”

“I know we reacted badly at first, but I think we all really needed a reality check.”

“Right,” I said, unsure of how to respond.

“Like, I suppose I’ve even wondered about the group and stuff, like you’re not the only one who noticed Chloe’s eating, or Jackson’s depression. And, I’ve been questioning what my own brain is going through.” Zoey could hear a slight smile in his words, and it was comforting to know that he agreed with her opinions. “And besides, it’s nice to know that you have friends that care enough to notice these things.”

“Of course I care about you all. You’ve been my friends since literally forever.”

“I know, which means I’ve also noticed things I’ve been meaning to talk to you about.”

“Okay…?” I answered, slightly nervous for what he might have to say. “Go ahead.”

“Well it’s about you. I know you said that I have some type of anxiety and stuff, but I think it’s kind of obvious that you do as well.”

“How?”

“Well you get so agitated whenever you haven’t seen us for a long period of time, as though you’re scared something will happen if you can’t be there with us. And then the panic attacks you’ve started happening? They don’t seem to be a random occurrence.”

“I guess…” She thought for a moment, her brain connecting Tommy’s words to the recent ones of her parents. “I mean that’s what mum and dad have been telling me anyways.”

“They must be right, then.”

“Maybe.”

The mental health conversation ended there, and we changed the topic to something much lighter. It was comforting to know that I had friends who would also look out for me, no matter how much up upset them or how often I might miscommunication my concerns.

However, the second I laughed a little to hard at one of Tommy’s stupid jokes, I heard my dad thundering up the stairs to my room.

“I’ve got to go,” I whispered down the phone, already going to hang up.

“Alright,” Tommy laughed. “Talk soon.”

“Bye.” I placed the phone back on the bedside table, laying down as quickly as my pounding head would allow and pretending to act natural.

Dad knocked on the door gently, opening it cautiously and poking his head around the door. “Was that you?”

“Huh?” I asked, reopening my eyes and trying to feign exhaustion. “Probably not, I’ve just been resting.”

“Sure,” he said sceptically, raising one of his eyebrows at my poorly produced lie. “Make sure you stay off your phone please. It isn’t good for your body right now.”

“Of course, dad,” I said, shoving my face into the pillow to hide my smile.

“Rest well.”

“Okay, love you.”

"Love you."

And with that he closed the door, leaving me once again with my own thoughts, albeit a little bit quieter than they were before.