It’s night time. I have no idea why I am doing this. I have no idea why I am daring to do this. But I feel curious, oh so very curious. I guess curiosity has always been my biggest weakness. I guess curiosity will eventually be the end of me. It doesn’t matter though. Not in this moment when thoughts are scraping at my guts and the desire to know something, anything at all about my home planet, that isn’t from the perspective of the Empire, this desire overwhelms me to the point of madness. Pure madness. 

I guess I have always been crazy. The Emperor has often said that it’s important to have a clear and rational mind. But what can I do? What can I do except for give in to it? I have tried to resist it before. I have tried to resist it with everything that I have before. But the call to insanity is just too much, it’s just too consuming, it’s just too forceful, it’s just too undeniable. I am a monster after all, and that means that of course I have some monstrous tendencies, some feelings that I cannot avoid, some pulls that I cannot fight. I am not calm and rational like the Emperor or the Empress or the Prince. I am not them and there is no way that I could ever be them. So all that is left for me to do is to be me. 

I hide deep in the library, in the darkness where there is no-one. And, with wide eyes and bated breath, I turn on the communication disk. There is this strange, tense buzzing inside my chest as I flip through the holographic controls of the disk, keeping the volume set at minimum so that there is no chance of anyone overhearing me. The world feels tense, as if it is on the razor-edged precipice of something unimaginable, something inexpressible. I have to remind myself to breathe, as my stomach ties itself into knots. I find the contact list of the disk. And I select the first contact on the list with my finger. It makes the call. Everything relies on what happens now. 

Three. Two. One. 

“Hello,” a voice whispers out into the darkness, “this is resistance messenger Arji Meminda speaking. Who are you?” 

“I …” I don’t know what to say. I just stare at her deep purple face and darker purple hair. She’s beautiful. She’s beyond beautiful. I never thought a monster could be so beautiful. 

“Hi.” Her tone becomes more gentle once she sees my obvious hesitation. “Who are you, little one?”

“I … they call me Ikkret.”

“Ikkret. That’s a beautiful name. A Jolrish name. Who gave it to you?”

“I don’t know.”

“Are you a boy or a girl, Ikkret? Or maybe you’re both? Or neither?” 

“I … they say I’m a boy but I don’t always feel like a boy.”

“What do you feel like?” Her words are full of compassion. 

“It changes from time to time. How about you, Arji?”

“I’m a girl. Why are you calling me?” 

“I don’t know. Some prisoners that the Imperials captured, they gave me this disk. They said to use it.”

“And are you interested in joining the resistance?”

“No. I’m … the Emperor and his family have been the only family I have ever known. I couldn’t betray them.” 

“Will you tell them about the resistance? About me?”

“No, I won’t.” I don’t know why I tell her this but it’s the truth. 

“I’d like to be your family. Would you like to count me as part of your family?”

“I … okay.” There is something stirring in my heart. Something that feels almost like … almost like … I don’t know, but it feels sweet and bright and good, and it feels better than anything I have ever felt before. 

“So are you from Jolria?” she asks. 

“I am but … I got taken up to the Home Planet as a baby.”

“That must have been so hard for you. I can teach you about your true home planet if you want me to.”

“I’ve already seen books about it.”

“Imperial books are full of lies and propaganda. I can tell you the truth.”

“Would you?” I whisper hopefully. 

“I sure would.”

———

I go through my day like normal after that fateful night. I obey the family. I get things for them. I stand silently behind them. I let the machines harvest my magic. It’s harsh. Like always, it’s incredibly harsh. My heart hurts and my body hurts and my soul hurts. Not that monsters have souls. But still. Still. The monsters that I have seen so far have been far more soulful than any of the Imperials have been. They’ve been much more passionate. Much more courageous. Much more kind. 

I think about all the people I have met during my journey with the Prince. The brave people who held out for as long as they could under torture. The resilient people who stayed strong even as they were captured, even as they were caged like wild animals. The kind people who treated me as if I mattered, who treated me as if I was actually a person, with an equal right to dignity and respect. With an equal right to care and kindness and consideration. And of course, I think about Arji, who made me feel more seen and known and wanted and accepted than I have ever felt in my life. 

It was like a dream, talking to her. It was better than a dream. She saw me. And she saw me as a person. And she saw me as a child.  She saw me as someone who was meant to be loved and cherished and cared for and protected. She saw me as something beyond a mere tool and servant. She saw me as a child. And she saw all the hurting inside me. She saw all the wants and the needs and the emotions I have been forced to bite down on and keep secret. She saw the way that I was absolutely burning up inside, the way that I was imploding into myself and slowly chipping away at the bedrock of who I am. 

She made me stronger. I am not quite sure how, but she made me stronger. And she made me more able to withstand all the tribulations of my day. Not that I am alright. No, I am far from alright. Every time I have to bite my tongue and do as I was told, I die inside. But still, there is something within me that can hold on. There is something within me that tells me that joy does exist for me, joy can exist for me, and I deserve the joy in my life. Even if I am a monster, I deserve joy. 

And so I serve and I grovel and I bow. And I stay silent and I bite my tongue. And I hurt, immensely, immeasurably, indescribably. Inside and out. And I keep my secret. I keep it deep within me, where no-one can ever find it. And I make sure to hide everything that I am feeling, as I always do. I make sure to hide my sorrow and my anguish, as I always must. But I make sure to hide my joy and my hope, because no-one is allowed to find out, and no-one is allowed to even suspect that anything might be amiss. I behave as the perfect slave, as I always do. And I don’t let anyone even guess that something might have changed in me. 

But something has changed in me. Something great has changed. 

———

I sit on a plush chair in the library. It is as dark all around me as I am. And it is time to talk with Arji. 

“Hi Ikkret,” she whispers to me, faintly smiling. 

“Hi Arji. How are you?”

“Not too good, my child. They made me give them my magic all day. As they always do. Those forsaken Imperials and their stupid technology that runs on stupid magical energy. Why can’t they just harvest energy from the stars and leave us alone?”

“Star energy is too difficult to control,” I reply, “using it would be too expensive.”

“And torturing the people of seven planets is somehow worth saving money?” she retorts. 

“We’re monsters. It’s not like our feelings matter.”

“That’s a load of bigle dung, Ikkret, it’s just propaganda.”

“It’s what I’ve been taught by the Emperor and Empress. Why would they lie to me?”

“Because they’re greedy and racist, Ikkret, and they wouldn’t know the truth if it bit them in the bottom.”

“Arji, don’t say that. They may not be perfect, but they saved me. I was left in an abandoned building during the Great Rebellion of 5670. I was a baby. I would have died if the Emperor had not found me.”

She is silent at that for a moment. 

“Ikkret,” she finally voices, “I think that was a lie told to make you more obedient. I’ll tell you of what truly happened during the Great Rebellion of 5670.”

“Okay. What happened?”

“Lots of people were out in the streets fighting. We thought that it was finally the day when we would become free. Parents with young children and babies were also out fighting too. In order to win for their young ones a better life.”

“So do you think my parents were off fighting?”

“They probably were.”

“So why did they abandon me to go off to war?”

“That’s the thing, Ikkret, they didn’t. See, all the children and the babies were left at the temples with a few caretakers to look after them. We thought that the temples were safe. We thought that the Imperial soldiers would not go into them, for they were holy sites meant to be guarded from any war. We made an agreement with them that they would not go into the temples.”

“So what happened? Why did the Emperor end up with me?”

“That’s the thing. The Empire didn’t honour the agreement. They raided the temples, once they had won the war. See, the Empire loves to loot and pillage. They take whatever they can once they’ve won a war. But our planet was so poor, we didn’t have anything worth taking. We didn’t have anything except people. So, the Imperial soldiers raided the temples and took whatever children they wanted, took them crying and screaming from their caretakers’ arms.”

“That sounds horrible.”

“It was. I was there in the temples. I was just a small child. It was chaos. It was screaming. It was desecration. They thankfully did not take me, but my brother was not so lucky.” She wipes tears from her eyes. 

“So do you think I was taken during all of that?”

“I think you were.”

I sit there in silence for a long, long time, as thoughts rush through my head. 

“Who do you think my parents are?” I finally say. 

“I do not know,” she replies. “But I think they might have given you the name Ikkret. I can try to find them for you if you want.”

“Will you try?” There is a whine of hope in my voice. 

“I will. I’m sure they miss you. We all pray for the taken children every day.”

“Thank you, Arji.”

“Think nothing of it, young one.”

“So …” I pause to think. “Can I join the resistance?”

“Are you sure that’s what you want to do?” she asks me. 

“Yes, I’m sure.”

“You don’t have to join the resistance just because I’m helping you. I’ll help you anyways.”

“No, I want to join. I don’t want those baby-stealing Imperials to win.”

“I don’t either.”

“So what can I do?”

“What do you feel comfortable with doing?”

“I could spy on the Emperor and his family for now. That would be easy.”

“That would be really great. We could use that information a lot.”

We continue talking into the night. And, for once in my life, I don’t feel quite so much like a monster. 

———

I stand in attendance to the Emperor as he calls his council members. Their faces float throughout the rooms in holograms. The Emperor is floating around on his plush chair strewn with many furs from strange and exotic creatures hunted all over the galaxy. The council members are talking with high importance in their voices. They are discussing important matters. They are discussing stately matters. Matters that are classified, that not even the people of the Home Planet are allowed to know about. 

Usually I try my best to not listen. I try my best to think my own miserable thoughts. But today it is different. Today I am on a mission. A mission for my people. A mission for my galaxy. 

“The population of Nilarda is getting too high,” a general states, “it is becoming too much for our soldiers to control.”

“Could we perhaps station more Imperial soldiers there?” another general suggests. 

“No, we need our soldiers where they are,” a council member states. 

“Isn’t more monsters just a greater source of energy?” a councillor asks. 

“We don’t have the manpower to use that energy,” another replies. “It would just be extra, wasted energy.”

“We could pour poison into their water source,” the Emperor explains, “so that their new babies take ill and die.”

The council discusses this for a while, debating back and forth the pros and cons of the plan. I keep listening, because I have to, but oh my gods it is so very disturbing. They are talking about people’s lives, people’s communities, as if they were just pawns in a sort of twisted game. As if their lives didn’t matter, their love didn’t matter, their grief didn’t matter. It’s all a game of politics to them. It’s all a game of hegemony. 

I would have been on their side a few days ago. I would have thought of the safety of the Empire. I would have thought of how necessary it was to never have more people than the guards could control. I wouldn’t like it. I wouldn’t like it at all. And I would feel that something was deeply and bitterly wrong. But I would think the things that I have been taught to think all my life. And I would not question it. Does that make me a monster like all these powerful figures? Or does that make me a scared child trying desperately to please my captors? I don’t know. 

“So it is decided, then,” the Emperor declares, “we will send poison from the Ashophor into the water sources of the slaves, when they are all busy at work.” 

I have to tell the resistance this. To see if they can save the people. 

————————

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