…Or will I see them again someday?

“And then my mom just dropped it! All over the floor, it took like an hour to clean up!” Sam laughed, her voice almost cutting out over the weak connection of our video call. I smiled softly as I laid fully on my side, watching her bright-red hair fall into her eyes. She was sitting outside, the afternoon sun still shining there in LA.

“That’s ridiculous,” I laughed breathlessly. “Does the carpet still smell like Jell-O?”

“Oh yeah. That’s why I’m sitting outside,” she said with a giggle. She pulled one knee up to her chest, resting her chin there with a stupidly adorable look in her eyes. I felt a bit self conscious seeing my own image in the corner of my screen. I looked exhausted, and not just because it was dark here.

“So uh, your work is starting tomorrow, right? Le Chaise?” Sam asked.

“Right,” I muttered. “Can’t say I’m even remotely close to feeling excited for it.”

“Aw. Sorry your aunt’s making you do it, sunshine.”

Sunshine. My chest tightened slightly and I left out a soft huff of air. The nickname had started as a joke– Sam would call me it every time I was being blunt or sarcastic. But over the past few months, it turned into some kind of habit for her. A habit I wasn’t upset about… but, it still caught me off guard sometimes.

“It’s fine,” I said, shrugging. “At least I’m getting paid for it. And it’ll keep me out of the house more often until you come back and we head to Boston.” Subconsciously, I smiled. Having solid plans for the future was always a nice feeling.

“Yes! I’m sososo excited! Speaking of Boston… I had a few questions for Kiran. Do you mind if I hang up for a bit to call him?” She said, leaning towards the camera a little more.

My hand tightened on my phone. I had to try really hard not to look jealous. “Yeah, go ahead,” I said quickly.

“Cool. Talk to you later, Ash!” She waved enthusiastically, then tapped the button to hang up. As soon as my screen went dark, I felt a cloud of dread wash over me.

I knew Sam wasn’t into Kiran or anything. She and I joke about that kid and Veronica all the time, and as far as I can tell, she probably feels the same way about me as I feel about her. I’m not blind. Every time I lean in too close or compliment her, I can hear her breath stop, or see the slight flush in her cheeks. I wasn’t worried about whether or not she liked me.

What I was worried about was whether or not I could give her what she deserves. Each time I thought about making a move, or let my mouth run before my mind a little, my aunt’s voice echoed in my head like a vise. “I think that girl being away has been very good for you.”

I hugged a stuffed animal to my chest. A big, fluffy red panda that I’ve had for a few years. My eyes wandered to the offwhite wall of a bedroom that somehow still didn’t feel like mine, and just… stayed there. My mind felt like it was silent and rushing with thoughts simultaneously, the contradiction giving me a headache.

Sam, I like you.

Would it really be that hard to say those four short words? I wanted to, I really wanted to.

Ash, I like you, too.

She’d say that back, I think. It would be reliving to know for sure that she feels that way. I could stop feeling so trapped around her. My hand slid down, reaching for my phone again blindly. But before I could grab it, I froze.

Girlfriend.

The word hit me like a truck. 

If confessing was all there was to it, I would’ve done it months ago. If knowing the feeling’s mutual was all I wanted, I’d know by now. But that’s the problem. I didn’t just want to say it, to hear her say it– I wanted everything after that. I wanted the soft words of assurance and the excitement of sneaking out, I wanted to dance with her and kiss her and feel everything like a normal girl.

So I pulled my hand back up. I tucked it under my head with the other one, letting my heavy eyelids drag down. As I drifted off to sleep, I heard a thousand echoes in my head of all the things she’s said.