This hurt a lot more than Logan thought it would. Everyday since he came back to the past he’d been with Dakota. His life had been taken up by the other boy until he didn’t know how he existed before him. It had only been for a day—one fucking day—that they’d been apart and he was already having withdrawals.

If he were a stronger person, he wouldn’t have sent a text to Dakota every waking hour. He hadn’t meant to. It had been reflex. He’d gotten so used to texting Dakota every time he got out of class or if he was lying in bed, bored. Anytime he wasn’t around Dakota, he was either texting him or at least thinking about him.

The whole point he was here was because of him. Without him, he would have lived his whole life not knowing what could have been.

Logan had promised he would give Dakota space. He was trying really hard to keep that promise. 

But somehow, he’d ended up doing the same fucked up shit he used to do. He watched Dakota from afar, behind corners, just keeping an eye on him. Sooner or later Dakota started to notice he was doing it. Logan hadn’t minded because he thought Dakota was going to tell him off in person, but instead Logan got a lousy text.

When that happened, Logan backed off fully. A day had passed. So what? He wasn’t going to die without Dakota. 

Except it did hurt when he walked to the shed by himself and found that Dakota wasn’t there. He hadn’t seen where he went off to because he’d restrained himself for the rest of the day.

Now he was sitting in class, beating himself up for not coming clean about his home life in the first place. It wasn’t a big deal. He didn’t care if Dakota knew about his old man hitting him. 

Except when he imagined telling Dakota the truth and for how long it had been going on, his stomach twisted and his throat went tight. Thinking about doing it might have been easy, but actually doing it? Logan wanted to believe he was stronger than the words others had put in his head. He wasn’t as weak as his dad or Matthew said he was. He’d been strong enough to leave, hadn’t he?

He flipped his hoodie up and crossed his arms as he slouched in his seat in the back of the class. 

Saying that he was weak to Dakota was the hardest thing he would have to do. If Dakota knew he couldn’t stand up to his dad, how was he going to protect Dakota?

“Protect me.”

That’s what Dakota had asked of him. The one thing he’d been brought back in time to do was keep Dakota safe. If he couldn’t do that then what was the point in living?

He sighed. He needed to get over this. His mind was muddied by his personal feelings. He just needed to let go of his pride. Just this once. He trusted Dakota, didn’t he? Dakota wasn’t the one he had to watch out for. It was everyone else and Logan himself who would use this against him—which had been proven all before. 

His feelings…

He placed a hand over his eyes. 

That was one place he hadn’t gone to. He was too scared of facing the realization he had back at the shed. Saying it in his head hadn’t meant anything. He liked Dakota? What did that mean? Did he think he was cute? Did he want to kiss him? Did he want to be in a relationship with him? 

He frowned, brows furrowing so hard that he started to get a headache. 

To test how far this went, he imagined Dakota. He imagined him sitting in front of him. There were no desks, no classroom. Just an open space where they existed. Somehow, they ended up in the grassy fields in front of the windmill though he didn’t know why he was imagining that place. 

For the longest time, Dakota didn’t move. His green eyes were soft, a warmth to them that Logan was surprised to realized he’d seen more times than not. 

Logan moved toward him. His heart was racing, breathing hard to do when he was scared this figment would fly away any second. He reached with his hand. It wasn’t any different than how he would have touched him in real life, but the intent couldn’t have been more different. He flushed in real life, but in this figment world, he had no real shame. He moved toward Dakota without anymore hesitance. It was those eyes that told him it was okay. Dakota waited for him to make the first move. And Logan didn’t wait any longer after that. 

His hand didn’t land anywhere he intended it to. He’d meant to only caress Dakota’s face, but his hand had a mind of its own. It landed on Dakota’s chest, over his pec. Logan startled in his mind, yet his figment kept going. Dakota only wore a smile. He welcomed the touch, letting Logan not only touch him like that but also put another hand on his chest. 

The feeling was strange. He’d never touched anyone like this. Not a girl. He hadn’t even thought much about that either. His life had so many other problems to fill his head. 

But anything other than Dakota left his mind at that moment. His hands roamed over Dakota’s chest then lower before he pulled Dakota close to him. 

A soft gasp came from Dakota’s lips. It was the sweetest thing Logan had ever heard. He wanted more of it and he wanted to taste it. He leaned into Dakota, his mouth hovering over Dakota’s for only a second before he took what he wanted. 

Dakota was just as warm as he thought he would be. Even through the layers of clothes that separated them, Logan could feel his body heat. He was tantalized by it, upset that he couldn’t feel it directly on his skin. 

Logan had never been jealous of a piece of fabric. It wasn’t even just that. He was mad that it was in the way. He needed to be closer to Dakota. He needed so much that he didn’t know how he could possibly achieve it.

His mouth had only been on Dakota’s for a second in his imagination and yet it had set off a chain reaction throughout his whole body. This feeling was so great, so powerful, that it shook him from the pleasant imagination and sent him reeling back down to earth.

In his seat, in class, his head was spinning with all these realizations. He’d wanted to know how much he wanted Dakota. He’d gotten his answer.

He covered his mouth, breathing heavily. The bell rang, but he couldn’t move from his seat. He took a moment to settle his heart and to let his breath even again before he slowly zipped up his jacket. Standing took some awkward maneuvering, but he managed to stretch his hands into his hoodie pockets so that the fabric covered his crotch.

Logan lingered down at the opposite side of the hall of Dakota’s class. He kept his hoodie up, annoyed at himself for being so susceptible to human emotions and reactions. His heart swelled. His stomach felt awful, like he was going to hurl any second. He wanted to see Dakota again. He just wanted to see his eyes and see his smile. 

But he also didn’t. He didn’t know if he could handle anything but pure elation to see Logan again. The next time he saw Dakota, he didn’t want the other boy to hate him or to look upon him like he was no better than a cockroach he stepped on. 

He chewed on his thumbnail. It started to sting when he bit too far, ripping the nail from the bed. Blood filled his mouth, but he didn’t react to it. His tongue ran over the wound over and over. The sting filled his mind along with Dakota’s glaring eyes. His stomach turned again, yet his heart throbbed, turning the pain into a yearning that felt just as good.

He turned away, going to his empty locker. He opened it and stared into the void. He grabbed the notebook Dakota had given him and flipped to the back. He scratched in a note to himself. Almost like a pledge. 

I will listen to Dakota’s feelings. I will give him space. I won’t hurt him.

That last thing wasn’t at all what it sounded like. If someone else were to read his stupid words, might have thought he meant intentionally and physically. That wasn’t at all what he meant. He didn’t want to hurt Dakota unintentionally as well as mentally. He didn’t want to cause him hurt in any capacity. He’d done that by using Dakota. 

Even if he hadn’t known he’d been doing it, it’s exactly what he’d done when he set about to prevent Dakota’s death. He wasn’t doing it because he thought it was the right thing to do. He’d done it because he was selfish. He thought this was a chance to make his life better. It hadn’t been because he wanted to save Dakota’s.

He read the mantras again and again. He closed the notebook and tucked it under his arm. The bell rang as he slammed the locker shut. He lowered his gaze to the ground in case Dakota saw him. He wanted to make sure Dakota didn’t think he was still following him. 

But as Logan was still repeating the words he’d written, a commotion came from the bathroom as he went to pass by it. A crowd had gathered and there was yelling. He couldn’t see what was happening over the other students.

“It’s Dakota!”

Logan felt his heart drop in his stomach. 

“Out of the way! Get to class!” Teachers flooded the area, breaking up the crowd. The students took their time walking away, some still standing around in the hopes to get a glimpse as to what was happening.

Logan couldn’t move. His chest was tight as he watched a teacher drag Matthew from the bathrooms. 

His eyes found Logan in the crowd right away. He adopted that smirk he wore so well. He laughed. “Where were you? Some bodyguard you are!”

His words felt worse than a punch. Logan didn’t have the energy to yell anything back at him. 

Then, another teacher helped Dakota walk. Blood stained the front of his shirt. His hand held a bloody tissue to his nose.

“Dakota!” His mouth had opened before he could stop it. The pain welding up inside of him was making him so sick, but he didn’t know what to do about it.

Dakota’s eyes flickered to him for a second. That’s all that he gave to Logan. He turned his face away and murmured something to the teacher. They walked away, heading toward the nurse’s office.

The crowd dispersed around Logan. Still, he couldn’t move. 

Even when he stayed away, he managed to hurt Dakota.