Present Day - Christmas 2015

Kai stuffed his hands into the pockets of his warm jacket and quietly walked up the steps to the roof of his house. He hated Christmas; it only reminded him of the horrid accident that happened five years ago.

His mother often sighed and looked elsewhere whenever he mourned over Hana; you would've thought that such an old event would've been forgotten by now, or at least disregarded. His father was indifferent. He didn’t know what to say and he just wanted his son to get his life together again.

It was after the annual gathering had ended. His relatives and extended family were probably in his living room eating sweets and watching reruns of an old drama.

Kai felt awkward and left out at gatherings; everyone was extra careful not to mention anything related to cars and love and winter. It was hard, being it was December and a lot of people got into relationships at this time of the year. To his family members he was that quiet, broken boy that everyone had to be cautious around. He desperately wanted to change that, but how do you let go of someone who was so dear to you? How do you forget watching someone disappear right before your eyes?

Kai opened the door to the roof and stepped out, his sneakers sinking into the snow. Look baby, it’s snowing. He stood there for a few minutes; it didn’t snow often in Korea, at least not this much.  Ice crystals barely fell in the last few years, so why did they fall this year?

He let the door slam closed behind him as he held his hand up. He watched the little snowflakes fall and melt on his hand.

Kai hated broken promises. He hated when people lied to him.

Hokkaido, Japan was a place he didn’t think about for a long time; three years, maybe, if he counted right. Kai walked over to the little bench in front of the railings. He brushed off the thick layer of snow and sat down. He looked up at the sky and watched the snow fall. For some reason, the ski resort at Hokkaido was all that was on his mind.

Why did I promise to bring her if I can’t make that come true? He kicked at the snow and bit his lip, trying hard not to cry. He did this every year, holding back his tears until the back of his throat burned. He refused to get help. He never went to a psychologist, and he never got checked after the accident. His close friend Jonghyun had mentioned PTSD to him once and the two didn’t talk for days.

Jonghyun knew he was right though; Kai had post traumatic stress disorder and that memory of Hana and the car was preventing him from seeing the future ahead of him, or even the present days he had. Even if Kai truly had a bad case of it, PSTD couldn’t be cured. But Jonghyun knew with the correct help, Kai could be in a better position compared to how he is now.

Kai quickly wiped his tears. He slammed his fist down onto the bench in frustration before getting up, then looked down at the snow and watched as teardrops fell to the ground.

“Why did it have to be you? Out of all people?” He whimpered. “I said I’d bring you to the ski resorts. I said I’d teach you how to snowboard, how to do tricks and flips. I said so many things…” Then the Seoul skylight came on, and all the buildings began to light up. “I …I said I’d name a star after you…We’d go to the beach in the summer and look for shells after finals. But…it never happened.” He stood there with a pained expression as warm tears streamed down his face.

“I’m…I’m sorry, Hana.”

By the time he sat back down, another layer of snow had covered the bench. Kai pulled his phone out and opened the messaging app. Besides his best friends Youngjae and Jonghyun, he didn’t talk to many people. The only other messages were birthday texts that popped up yearly and “how are you doing” texts that came from some of his old classmates.

He scrolled down to the ‘Hana’ conversation. The last time he messaged her was in February to say ‘Happy Valentine’s Day’. Her birthday text that was sent a few months later didn’t go through.

He deleted the old text and sent a new one.

Happy anniversary, baby…

I miss you

Kai put his phone down next to him and took a deep breath. I really do.

Minutes later, his phone buzzed next to him. Kai sat there in silence; this was new to him. Why would he ever get a response?

Then it hit him. A response–someone on the other side got his text.

Kai stared straight into the 63 Building’s lights, wishing he could forget the vibration he just heard. There was no way someone claimed her number; he wasn’t ready to delete Hana’s contact, either.

Kai's heart raced and his stomach churned. He never expected a reply back and he didn’t know what to do. He tapped his foot nervously on the ground and took a deep breath.

Someone had claimed her number after so long and for a moment, he felt scared, as if he had committed a crime.

He picked up the phone and reluctantly put his thumb on the home button, unlocking the phone.

He saw the little preview on the top where the notifications were and flipped his phone over, facing it down on his lap. Kai furrowed his brows as he tried his best to deny the truth. 

‘Hana’ replied.

Kai held the phone up to his face and read the text he got.

Who’s this?

A couple minutes later after tearing up and brushing it off, Kai tapped his thumbs on the keyboard and replied back. He quickly typed back an apologetic message.

This was my girlfriend's number when she was still alive. I always send her a message even though she isn't with me. This is the first time I ever got a text back. I'm sorry.

When he pressed send, he felt that the little message wasn’t enough.

I won’t do it again.