I wouldn’t say that what the Empress and I had was a love-hate relationship. More like hate-tolerate, and it lasted for years.

For the most part when she’d visit my pool, she didn’t bother me and I didn’t bother her. Except when she wanted to ask her one annoying question again.

"Spirit!"

Cue fish racing to their hiding place again. I swear they’re lucky that I look out for them. The stupid, lovable shark bait.

I sighed and made an appearance. “Yeah?”

As usual, she asked who was the most beautiful. Normally, I gave her the answer that she liked—her.

But there was this one time that I couldn't. So, I decided to have some fun with it.

"The most beautiful what?" I asked.

"The most beautiful woman in the land, of course," she said.

"Well, for women of your age, you are certainly the most beautiful.”

She frowned. "What do you mean 'women of my age'?"

“Don’t tell me you’re losing your hearing, now,” I teased.

“Shut up!” she snapped. “Tell me who is more beautiful than me?”

I saw a spot of algae growing near my giant rock collection and went to clean it out. “You’re giving me conflicting orders.”

“Stop mocking me and give me a name already!” she shouted.

I scooped up the algae and tossed it onto the bank next to her feet. “That stuff might be good for the little bags under your eyes.”

She clenched her fists. “I’ll order my guards up here to relieve themselves.”

“You wouldn’t!” I’ll clean up after the fish and the algae all day long before I touch human refuse. Disgusting creatures.

“Then tell me what I want to know,” she said. A little too smugly, I might add.

"Fine," I sighed. "Your stepdaughter."

"Shirayuki?" the Empress asked. "That pasty little chatterbox? You’ve got to be joking."

"Oh come on. She’s not that bad. For a human.”

“I suppose you’ve watched her in your pool, too?” The Empress paced along the bank, wringing her hands. “That annoying little—always hanging around the cooks and making mochi and eating everything they give to her. And her not gaining a single pound!”

“Some people luck out on the genes,” I said. “And she’s an emotional eater. What do you expect since her father died?”

“That was nearly ten years ago!” the Empress snapped. “She should’ve gotten over that by now. I sure have.”

“But unlike you, she didn’t have anything to do with his death.”

The Empress glared at me.

“I told you. I’ve seen things,” I said, nodding at my pool. I have uber HD that you muggles can only dream about.

Now, I’m no expert in human behavior. But I figured the Empress didn't like anything I just said because she proceeded to call me all kinds of names that I can’t repeat here. Then she stormed off, grumbling, “How can anyone be more beautiful than me? ME? After all those expensive beauty treatments… And especially that little [CENSORED]…”

When she was gone, my fish came out of hiding.

“Bad lady gone?” they asked.

I sighed. “Yeah. But I have a feeling we’re gonna hear from her again real soon.”

***

Several days after that weird exchange with the Empress, a little bird stopped by the pool to gossip with her friends about something she overheard at the palace. It wasn’t long before her news about the Empress making secret plans to kill Shirayuki was all over the mountain.

“She hired a hunter. One who knows the woods well. She promised him a giant pile of gold!” the little bird chirped.

Caveat: I hate politics. But I try to keep in the know about palace happenings, since that kind of stuff tends to affect everyone. Like when nobles go to war against one another or the construction of some gaudy new castle begins, it means trees getting cut down and iron being ripped out of the mountain and, of course, water for people and animals and forges and mortar and so on. I wasn’t sure if the assassination plot of a princess was cause for concern, but I peered into the pool and pulled up what was going on in the palace throne room.

The fish hid. Geez, the Empress scares them even when she’s not here.

“I want you to take her into the Suicide Forest,” she told the hunter.

“There?” he asked. “But there are wild things and bandits out there.”

“Are you saying you’re afraid?”

“No, but they don’t call it the Suicide Forest for nothing,” he said. “There’s even talk that there are ninjas in those parts. The kind with dark powers, like shooting lightning from their hands or making you see things to drive you crazy and—”

“I’m about to go crazy just listening to you,” she interrupted. “Fine, what do you suggest?”

“Why don’t I take her just to the edge? You know, where it might look like a wild pig or something mauled her. Then if someone were to find her—”

“No!” the Empress snapped. “No one can find her. Bury her, burn her, or chop her into tiny pieces. I don’t care. But no one can ever find her. And bring her heart back as evidence that the job is done.”

“Her heart?” the hunter asked. “Isn’t that a bit much, your Highness?”

“No heart, no gold,” she said. “Now, do we have a deal?”