Eueuuuuuchhghhbblrghhhhhhh.

Testing week. Do you remember your proctors? If you do you should send them flowers or something because proctoring SUCKS, friends. The only thing more heinous than sitting and taking a test for four hours is not being ALLOWED to sit while STARING at a room of students while THEY take a test for four hours. There are a few things you need to know going in that no one told me. So here it is. I know you didn’t ask for it. Proctoring 101.

Rule #1: Don’t listen to a favorite song in the car before you get to school, or else it will be ruined as it plays on repeat in your head and eventually ceases to have comprehensible lyrics.
Rule #2: Just wear the ugly shoes. Yeah, people will judge you but that’s slightly preferable to bleeding from every single one of your toes. I know this from recent experience.
Rule #3: Read tests over the kids’ shoulders and think about how much better you’d be doing if you were taking their fifth grade test.
Rule #4: Lean. On. Everything. Try to look casual. Don’t stand in direct eye-line of the door. The principal will tell you to stop. If that happens. … You mustn’t. You will perish.
Rule #5: Don’t listen to students when they ask you questions. Just wait for the words to stop and tell them to use their best judgement. This is government mandated.
Rule #6: If you’re starting to lose it, burn time by drawing a sheep. And then another sheep. And then a windmill. And then a hillside. And then some more sheep. And then a sunset. Get a weird look from your co-proctor later when they walk to the podium. Don’t understand why.
Rule #7: Do this daily for three days and then bitch about it to the people who read the things you say on the internet for some reason.

Ta –daaa! Now you’re ready to proctor. That’ll be $1000. Be sure to review me on Rate my Professor (actually I think that’s illegal – I am not a professor, and this is not a university, don’t get me in trouble.)
… BYE.
- [RED]