Never a great sleeper, the lack of communication from Lee would be the beginning of many restless nights. The silence fed my anxiety and dread filled the corners of my mind. Something about Lee’s absence appeared wrong, and I had no way of knowing. Lee's phone number and email address was all I had.

Sunday morning, after spending the early hours tossing in bed, I migrated to the front of the television. Exhausted with no desire to eat, I watched the news program but my thoughts were distracted. In my hand, I held my mobile phone willing it to ring, but it didn't.

My anxiety grew as the day wore on. I’d torn at my nails until several bled. Worse case scenarios filling my mind with apprehension. Regardless of distance, Lee had always been there. Now he wasn't and I never realised the fear slowly consuming me would grow worse. Unable to sit any longer, I showered and readied for work. Before leaving, I called Lee again. Similar to the last call, it diverted to his message service. This time I didn't leave a message. But I emailed again.

Lee, what's up? Can't get in contact. Call me. Cody.

I wanted to understand and would not stop trying to contact him until I knew he was safe. I left my apartment and made my way to work, dread growing stronger with every minute I didn't hear from Lee.

Contacted regarding student accommodation during my first week of work was a relief. Not being able to share my news with Lee brought disappointment. When I got my job, I didn't realise I wouldn't be hearing from Lee again. Eight days later and still no contact I no longer rang. His phone service disconnected the day before and something in me died losing that connection. I still emailed him. Every day without fail I visited the library and used the computer to keep in contact.

My once short emails grew longer and more desperate. I told Lee everything happening in my life and I prayed for his safety and hoped one day he'd contact me. But the longer I went without hearing from Lee the deeper I fell into despair.

The two months I worked before starting university kept me sane. I celebrated a quiet Christmas on my own. Never one to let my situation bother me, I remember that Christmas Eve crying as I lay in bed, wishing I could hear Lee’s voice again. I don’t know how or when I became so dependent on Lee being part of my life. It didn’t feel right not having him there. It became something I never tried to understand, that’s how it was. Loneliness consumed me and although the student accommodation I received bustled with life, I kept to myself.

I was still seeing my parole officer, and he agreed to sign my passport application. With my first pay, I paid the two hundred and twenty three dollars for my passport and posted it. Five weeks later to my amazement, I received it in the mail. Another small achievement but a hollow one. With no word from Lee, everything felt meaningless.

With money still an issue, I sold my car. I walked to work or university in fifteen minutes so the need to keep it vanished. I continued to email Lee, discussing university and work, anything I thought he should know. I tried not to show my desperation in my emails but sometimes I couldn't help but ask where was he. It hurt to acknowledge I might have lost him. Had I done something wrong? Did what happened in jail drive him away.

That one thought never left my mind and the longer I didn't hear from Lee, the more it ate away at me.

What if Lee was disgusted with me because we'd been lovers? Maybe he cut all ties now I was on my way to achieving a better life. Was this the best way to end everything between us? Did he realise before I did my feelings for him? Now with him gone, did I understand? I didn't mean for it to happen but I understood I loved him - and only him.

Self-disgust followed by remorse so heavy it ate away any will to connect with others. Why did it have to be this way? Why did I now realise I was in love with Lee? I'd never feel the same way towards another. The depths of my feelings for Lee now scarred me for life.

My need to understand continued to grow. His disappearance constantly on my mind, suffocating me.

Five months without word from Lee I stopped sending emails, but I never gave up hope he'd reply. In my last email to Lee I expressed my emotions. How I loved him and even though it was wrong that was how it was. I told him I prayed for his safety as I now moved on. If he was avoiding me I'd not be angry with him for doing so. Our relationship was a complicated one and I always consider him my brother. I didn't want to let him go, but I had too.

I couldn't help but think something had happened. He'd not intentionally stop contacting me. After serious thought, I approached the Korean embassy with enquiries to travel to Korea on a temporary visa. I spent an entire Thursday afternoon filling out the paper work and then being told to come back the following day. This I did, but my luck came to an end. Refused a visa, they never told me why and I never asked.

"Cody, can you work this Thursday night?" Shin asked me as I served behind the bar Sunday evening. I worked Friday nights and Saturday and Sunday afternoon and evenings. The hours where terrible, so to the pay, but it got me by.

"Not this Thursday night Shin, my exam is Friday morning. I can do any other night if you need to swap people around."

"Ah, that's right your exam. Never mind."

"Why, are you short?"

"Nephew arriving from Korea that night, need to pick him up and get him settled at home."

"Sorry I can't help."

"No, no you work the hardest of all my workers. And your study important, I will find someone."

Midyear exam was important. Tanaka-sensei worked with me on the three components. If I didn't have that and work to keep me occupied my concerns over Lee's disappearance affected me more. Tanaka-sensei pushed me hard and if I got through the exam with good results, the next six months would be easier.

Although no longer emailing Lee, I checked my emails every day for a reply. I received none, but I never gave up hope. Like a small flame clinging to life within my heart, this essence of hope drove me forward.

At the end of my shift, Shin and the other employees wished me well for my exam. Guilt for not being able to help Thursday night was pushed to one side. With my exam Friday morning I needed to be fresh when I sat for it.

Back in my one bedroom apartment, I ate the food the cook sent home with me. Food always came home on the days I worked and sometimes it lasted a few days. I was eating better thanks to the job and with the walking I was doing every day from campus and work, I kept fit. When the nights got rough I used the public gym on the ground floor to push weights. When there were moments of quiet, no matter how hard I attempted to keep my mind occupied the pain of losing Lee continued to torment me.

With dinner finished, I cleaned up and readied myself for bed. Like every night before this one - sleep wouldn't come until exhaustion took over in the wee hours of the morning.