is what i'm doing important?

is what i'm doing affecting anyone?

is what i'm doing affecting me?

am I me?

all these things go through my head each and every fucking day, each and every fucking decision.

i want to do something impactful. something that will change someone, at least one person. one fucking person.

yet, ironically, i cannot do anything.

in short, depression has come back.

and the only one who can fix it is me.

but i can't.

and you can't.

i know this community well enough that i know at least one of you will comment about how you support me.

but i don't feel it.

i'm questioning if i feel anything.

well, anything that is useful.

i feel useless.

stupid.

dead.

people talk about how my generation is having a quater-life crisis.

then why do i feel like i'm having a three-quater-life crisis.

i''m fifteen.

if i could, i would go back in time and slap the pen out of my baby hand.

i would tell ten year old me to stop art.

it's my biggest regret.

if i wasn't distracted by art, i could be great.

i could be amazing.

someone who knew how to socialise.

someone who knew how to be happy with who they are.

someone who didn't have so much fucking anxiety all the fucking time.

i'm scared.

i'm scared of who i am.

i'm scared of who i might become.

people change.

i will change.

the definition of me will change.

and there's no escaping this.

i like the way i am now.

i can be better, but my anxiety tells me that it's not possible to achieve the impossible.

that's the entire point of impossible.

i'm the best i'll ever be, and if i keep living and changing, i'll be even worse.

you know the batman quote: you either die the hero, or you live long enough to see yourself become the villian?

it's like that.

except i'm no hero.

i do fucking art.

no one appreciates me.

no one ever will.

i'm not a hero.

i'm some burden on society.

i'll never contribute to society.

you know what, i feel like i'm having a 99%-of-life crisis.

i feel like ending it all.

nothing's wrong with me physically.

everything's wrong with me emotionally.

everyone's better than me.

why bother trying.