Naturally I began zoning Aether out as soon as I realized that I wasn’t hallucinating and that the shed door really opened up to some crackpots idea of a rainforest. Not to mention that we’ve somehow been put what looks like a witches den.

To say I’m a bit shocked is the understatement of the century. You have to understand what I’m going through here and shock aint it. Shocked is how I felt when Aether volunteered to be my chauffer/sugar daddy for the next four weeks, shocked is when I caught myself thinking Aether is halfway human (which he is again putting doubts in my mind about that), this goes way beyond the realm of shocked. I honestly don’t think there are words—like my mind literally can’t even begin to comprehend what is going on. One minute we were seeking shelter against a bone chilling flash blizzard and now I’m sweating in my sweater while looking out the door on what looks like the middle of the Amazon on acid.

I wish I could say I’m taking our current predicament half as well as the Fungus King but I’d be lying. Can you believe that his first reaction is to explore. I swear I’m going to do a study on him and write a book on him called, “The Makings of a Future Serial killer.” Seriously no one is that happy all the time, it’s unnatural.

I know it seems like I’m being a big baby but unlike Aether who seems to take reality (or the lack thereof) with a grain of salt, I am traumatized, which is the natural human reaction.

Don’t believe me? How would you feel if you were stepping out of your house into a hot, sticky, uncool version of Narnia…gross right? But enough of my inner turmoil…back to the situation at hand we need to find out where we are, and the most importantly, how to get back home. Preferably with the least amount of head trauma (in Aether’s case), and bug bites in mine. And before there’s any objections that that is a stupid thing, mosquito bites in my hometown are killer, so I don’t know what I’m up against here. I’m definitely not taking any chances. It would be just my luck to end up in another universe and catch malaria or some other other-dimensional virus while exploring with The Lord of the Pestilence.

Speaking of his royal highness he is….I turn to see the top of Aether’s head disappearing from the doorway. This idiot is climbing out the shed! I rush over and grab a handful of his sweater.

“You idiot! What are you doing? Trying to get yourself killed?…normally I’d be supportive but right now you’re the only person who can remind me that I’m not insane, so you better get you’re crazy butt back in this freaky tree house this instant or so help me I’m going to yank you back in by this ugly sweater and shove my six and a half sized boot up your—“

“But my mother picked out this sweater.”

“She has terrible taste! Now get your overgrown childish self back in here.”

“But we should explore…Look I’ve already discovered something cool. Watch this!” And with that he kicks off the tree and the strange vein/vine thing pulls off and sends him flying out. He proceeds to pull a Tarzan stunt and suddenly Fungus boy is waving at me from the pale blue oversized branch across from us!

“Aether get back here this instant!” I swear he’s worse then a puppy…heck I’d prefer a puppy at least when you swat them with a rolled up newspaper they learn to listen but Aether’s busy inspecting the branch he’s on.

There’s this huge fly looking thing hovering nearby that’s giving me the creeps. “Aether!” I scream at him and then an idea forms in my mind. I scramble back into the shed and pick up Aether’s stuff. Going back to the door I yell for him again and then dangle the bag away from me. “You want me to toss your stuff? I bet you don’t. So move back over here like a good boy and the pack won’t be hurt.” I’ve resorted to taking inanimate objects hostage…I already hate this place. And what make’s it worse is that I’m doing it all to get Aether to return to me. What a strange turn of events.

“What am I an animal? I have rights! What is this? Silence of the Lambs?” He yells back at me, an agitated look marring what is usually a goofy grin. He must be really excited about exploring usually he’d have listened…or halfway listened by now. But if he wants to be a smart ass, I’m game.

“Yes! It puts the lotion on it’s skin! Now get back here or I toss everything that’s yours out this door!”

“I’m a grown man! And I’m older! I don’t have to listen to you!” I liked him better when he just rambled about stupid things.

“Aether you aren’t grown! You may be physically older, but mentally I far exceed you. You’re an overgrown child and the day you’re grown is the day I’m dead, so get back over here.” We stand off for a few moments. Each refusing to back down, waiting to see who is going to give in first. After about five minutes of this suddenly Aether steps forward and I think I’ve finally won.

But then he lifts his chin up defiantly and says, “No.” Not even loud enough for it to reach across the expanse but I know what he said. He has that look in his eye…this is the day serial killer fungus man is born my friends. Mark my words. He’s no longer listening to reason, the next course of action is obviously that he’ll go on a killing spree.

I’m about to start yelling at him about what an idiot he’s being when the crazed fly thing that’s about the size of soccer ball, and has been staring at me throughout this entire debacle suddenly launches itself through the doorway. I’m not proud of the scream that escapes and let’s just say I’m glad I didn’t have to pee. I crouch down beside the door, swinging Aether’s bag wildly at it hoping that it’ll catch the hint that it’s not wanted here and I can hear Aether in the background…

“Hold on! I’m coming to save you Raylen!”

“This is your fault to begin with!” I yell back just as I hear a thud and Aether is climbing back into the shed. He pulls the bag away from me, dodging my angry fists for having taken away my only weapon, and then pulls out, of all things, a small eight ounce can of bug spray.

“You’ve got to be kidding me.” My hero, note the sarcasm. But Aether seems intent now on catching the fly with his bug spray in hand, he’s chasing it all around the room, knocking the stones astray so that they skid over the stone floor. I watch a few fall out the door as Aether jumps over the bigger ones. I got to admit, though, for someone his size, he sure is agile. Aether and the bug so still near the door and are having the strangest staring contest I’ve ever seen. And then Aether does something crazy, really I don’t even know why I’m surprised at this point. It’s so like him, he tosses the bug spray away and coos at the thing as if it’s a child. What makes it worse is the fly is suddenly his friend! He pets the bulbous head and turns to look at me.

“It was more afraid of you then you were of it! Can we keep him?! We can call him Sir Flies A lot.” I’m not even going to comment on how corny he’s being right now.

“No we are not keeping the giant fly! Do you know how filthy that thing probably is?”

“But…”

“No!” And I rush forward and swat the creature away. It’s finally gotten the memo because it let’s me shove it outside and ambles on it’s way. As it’s flying off I have the sneaking suspicion that Aether gave it a granola bar…because I can see shiny foil clutched in one of it’s many legs.