(A long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away… eh, you know the rest.)

Darth Vader: Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father.

Luke: He told me enough! He told me that you killed him!

Darth Vader: ...Luke, I am your father.

Luke: NOOOOOOooOOOOo-

Leia: WAIT!

(Princess Leia peeks through the door)

Leia: Isn’t it “No, I am your father”?

Darth Vader: Uh, no, it’s “Luke, I am your father”.

Leia: No, no, no, I’ve watched “The Empire Strikes Back” 23 times. It’s “No, I am your father”.

Darth Vader: Well, I starred in it.

Leia: Well, so did I!

(Han Solo peeks through the door)

Han: Can you guys just hurry up? We only have 2 hours and 4 minutes of run-time, I’m not wasting it on this.

Darth Vader: FINE. I’ll do it your way, Leia.

(Han and Leia leave)

Darth Vader: (Throat clear) NO… I AM your father.

Luke: Oh, so NOW you tell me!

Darth Vader: What do you mean?

Luke: YOU JUST CHOPPED OFF MY HAND! WHAT KIND OF FATHER DOES THAT?!?

Darth Vader: Well, the script says that I did join Empire and killed a lot of Jedi, so it makes sense why this would be in the script.

Luke: I CALL CHILD CRUELTY!

(Awkward silence)

Darth Vader: (Lifts finger) ... (Puts it back down) ... (Looks at script) (Tosses it) Screw this. Let’s get some ice cream.

Luke: OH, YOU THINK ICE CREAM IS GOING TO MAKE UP FOR EVERYTHING YOU’VE DONE?!? BECAUSE IF YOU DO-

(Cut scene to a random ice cream place)

Luke: -you are absolutely correct.

(2 minute silence)

Emperor Palpatine: (Jumps through a random window) ‘ELO MOTHAFAKAAAAAAS!

(End scene of Star Wars)