Chapter 3: The Axe

Written Testimony of Aegelief the Drone

Time-Space coordinate: 32092.500730.skuld

Topic: The Collection, Arrival, and Evaluation of Subject Firefighter, Part 21

It wasn’t our fault. Yes, it was our fault according to the Universal Laws of Blame Treaty, but it wasn’t really our fault. I helped to draft that treaty, so I know it well. I do not argue that we were simply ignorant but rather I argue that we could not have known what we were doing, and the distinction is important. It was entirely impossible at that moment to have known nor guessed the events which would eventually result from our actions regarding the subject self-identified as “Candide.” Our available data on the subject was incomplete as was the causality-navigation materials which were provided to us from the drones of Lord Shiva before we entered that Sector 32086. It was impossible to predict that our contact with Candide would throw a billion unit old tradition into chaos.

Most importantly, his persona matrix at that time matched the firefighter archetype. Abducting firefighters I not illegal. It’s encouraged by Lady Isis.

I digress.

I digress more and more.

Back to the facts of the matter:

We did enter the region and then settled into a geosynchronous orbit around a previously unencountered Earth at space-time coordinates 32086.170730.belldany. It was not .urd as is recorded by the ship records. I possess a flawless memory as do all of Lord Odin’s drones in accordance with his design specifications. The deviance in record falls well within the degree of error inherent to time-space navigation in the region of 32086.

Our orders were as follows: locate a firefighter among the indigenous human population, observe the subject performing its duties in order to confirm its identity as a firefighter, abduct the firefighter using standard methods so that no harm comes to the subject nor ourselves, and perform a full medical evaluation of the subject. We located. We observed. We abducted. We performed a medical evaluation which met and exceeded industry standards as I explained in great detail in Part 20 of this written testimony. What happened next is the interesting part.

Lord Odin himself began to interrogate the subject. Lord Odin asked it, “What do you call yourself, young man?”

The subject answered, “Candide.” Lord Odin accepted the answer, and I changed the name of the subject’s file to match. The young human could barely form this single word. It was clearly in awe of Lord Odin’s compact stature, his charismatic presence, and his bright greenness.

Lord Odin told him, “My friends call me Odin.” This statement was true if oversimplified. Lord Odin’s friends call him many things. Throughout the cosmos, human cultures call him Wudin, Jupiter, Raiden-sama, Bhramah, Osirus, and the Boar. At the beckon of Lady Isis, he also answers to Hey You.

At that very instant, that I received data which the sensors recorded of the subject’s biology. There were no abnormalities except in how normal it all looked. The subject looked like an anatomy text book illustration of its species. I immediately brought this to the attention of my lord.

“Lord Odin,” I said, “you should look at this. The subject scores at the top of the charts in every measurement. It might be the most genetically perfect specimen we have ever encountered. Furthermore, it is in perfect condition. Not so much a scratch can be found anywhere on – nor in its body. This Candide is not merely a great firefighter, it is quite possibly the best Candide it can possibly be already.”

The subject interrupted us to say, “Thank you.”

I amended my report to say, “It is also polite.”

Odin addressed the subject saying, “Welcome to the universe, Candide. You have been brought here for a purpose. You were selected to represent all of the firefighters across the universe in great contest against other types of people. Do you follow me so far?”

Candide responded, “No, are there many firefighters in the universe?”

Lord Odin answered it, “Very many, Candide. They live on planets throughout the stars of the sky, and you will visit many of those worlds with us.”

“Is this an honor, Odin?”

“It’s more of a duty, but if it helps you to think of your duty as an honor, then it's an honor.”

“What if I refuse this honor and demand to be taken back in my village, little pig?”

Lord Odin sighed, but my lord knew exactly what to say next. “Candide, may I show you something?” My lord paused, unwilling to communicate further until the subject answered. Several awkward micro-units passed before the subject agreed with a nod of its head.

Then Lord Odin called up the subject’s persona matrix. He projected the hologram into the air and scaled it so that it filled the entire room. The subject clearly felt astounded by the colors and lines. It was quite beautiful in my opinion. Lord Odin explained, “This is a map, Candide. It is a map of you. We call it your persona. In these lines, we have drawn everything we know about you. The way your heart beats when you are nervous, the day you were born, the foods you ate yesterday, your genetic predispositions. We even chart your most likely future events extrapolated from what we know and run through simulations. It’s all here: your past, present, and future. Each piece of data is of limited use on its own, but taken together like this, patterns emerge to be noticed. What do you see?”

The subject answered, “It looks like fire.”

“I see a masterpiece, Candide. It's a landscape. In it, I read that you are not just a firefighter. You are the firefighter. This is your destiny. You can reject it, but rejection of destiny merely delays what must happen and generates frustration. Instead, you can accept it now. Better still, you can embrace it. You can become the flame which will shine light through the cosmos. That was a bad metaphor since you put out lights, but you get the idea.”

During their conversation, I had started running an alternate simulation. There was very little demand for firefighters in my lord's fleet, so the subject's usefulness would have been strictly limited to dueling. I looked to see how long it might take for us to degivolve the Specimen Candide from firefighter into a firemaker.  This wasn't working, so I returned to monitoring the subject's medical information to see how it was responding to the presence of Lord Odin.

The subject’s hormonal readout indicated that my lord's motivational speech was working. The subject was ninety-seven percent convinced. Then, the three percent revolted. The three percent remembered the axe which it had smuggled on board by tricking the computers into registering it as a tool instead of a weapon.

I didn’t see what happened next because of the holographic image partially obstructing my view. The axe must have collided with Lord Odin’s platform. The omni-steel structure was of course undamaged, but the kinetic energy of the blow tipped it over and sent Lord Odin tumbling across the room. I moved to cancel the persona matrix projection. Two other drones moved in with stunners to neutralize the subject, but it was too fast for them. The wooden handle of the axe struck the first drone in the face with a sickening crack. The blade caught the next drone, expertly severing an arm and the stunner which that arm held. The next swing buried the blunt back of the axe head into a monitor; a crash and sparks and smoke compounded our struggles to perceive what was happening. The subject was out the doorway and into the hall before I finished turning off the hologram.

 No, I will not refrain from injecting commentary. The sickening crack was in fact sickening. That fact has never been in dispute.

We pursued. At Lord Odin’s instruction, I picked up his compact yet rotund physical body. I carried my lord in my arms as we pursued.

Subject Candide sprinted at impressive velocity through the hallways. The subject knocked over drones it encountered along the way. It changed course faster than we could organize an interception. Before it became winded, it arrived to a dead end at a docking gate.

We pursued. At Lord Odin’s instruction, I picked up his compact yet rotund physical body. I carried my lord in my arms as we pursued. When we reached the docking gate, the subject had halted. It paid us no attention, instead staring forward at the empty space around it. It watched its earth moving farther away.

The other drones who had joined us aimed their stunners. Odin signaled for them to not use these devices.

Lord Odin said, “Candide, will you let me show you something?”

The subject responded with a non-response, “You took me away from my life. I never had a choice. Everything I’ve ever known or loved was back there. The firehouse was there. Thunder-ten-Tronckh was there. She's down there. You didn’t give me my choice.”

Lord Odin said, “Destiny rarely does, Candide. I have been around a very long time, and even I do not get to choose often. Can I show you something?”

The subject slowly turned. Lord Odin brought his hoof up to lift his visor. The subject stared into Lord Odin’s eye.

Lord Odin said, “Candide, listen to the sound of my voice and focus on it. You escaped your captors. You escaped the ship. You traveled through the stars. Sometimes you stowed away on other ships, and sometimes you hitchhiked. You met your captors again days after your escape. You experienced many adventures with them. Over time, you came to think of them as your great friends. You chose to come back with us, because we are your very good friends. You want to seek out your destiny with us. Do you understand, Candide?”

“I understand, Odin.”

“Who am I, Candide?”

“You are my very good friend, Odin.”

Lord Odin replaced his visor onto its resting place on his snout. “How are you doing, Candide?”

“I couldn't be more optimistic, Odin! Thunder-ten-Tronckh must be proud of how I am realizing my destiny through positive self-image. I have my friends to thank for it. Thank you, very good friends. I cannot wait for our next adventure together.”

The drones lead the subject to the ship's galley for nourishment.

Having never before seen the effects of Odin's remarkable skill of instantaneous mesmerism, I summoned enough courage to ask my lord about it. While placing him onto his hover platform, I asked, “Lord Odin, have you ever used that skill on me and the other drones?” I did not get a chance to hear his answer, because right then we were interrupted by an adventure. Over the next several units, we shared many exciting yet vague adventures. They ended with myself and Lord Odin back where we started and me replacing him on his platform. I will never forget how Lord Odin, Candide, and myself are the very best of friends.