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The first weave

Prologue

Prologue

Aug 03, 2017

Betrayal. The feeling of betrayal, like the stabbing of a million needles all over her body pushed her mind into a chasm of consciousness. Her body still not in the time space as her mind did not as much as twitch. But her mind jerked at the shock of plunging down a cliff as she fell into the conscious world. The feeling of betrayal followed her like a shadow and enveloped her with its horror and sorrow. She had been betrayed by her clan, her people and most of all by someone she loved. The utter improbability of that fact left her in dazed horror. Her whole body seemed to churn at the emotion as it finally caught up with her consciousness. The urge to throw up felt too strong. Her mouth and jaws were stiff as bile chocked her. She desperately urged her body to roll over and threw up. There was an exclamation of disgust, followed by scrambling. The words she heard were in a strange tongue. Like a language she almost knew but did not understand. She felt drained...as if all her bones had dissolved and left her as a boneless lump. More than the loss of bones she felt the loss of magic in every cell of her body. It was like sandpaper trying to peel her skin, except it was happening all over her body and inside as well. The pain took off from there and within a few seconds her body twitched in uncontrollable pain, that her vocal cords were unable to express. Death, the certainty of it came so quickly that it felt it had been there all the time. Along with the certainty of death came a more violent emotion that slammed into her with the force of a sledgehammer- Retribution! There are those that say that when you are close to death your life that you spent, flashes before you. For Chira there was nothing. Just a faint echo of a burning emotion enveloping her.

kinnaricomic
Meenakshi

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sevenfivel
sevenfivel

Top comment

Since you asked for a critique, I will try:
As you said, this draft is still kind of rough. There seem to be a lot of spelling and grammar errors and just too many descriptive words packed too close together, but the style rapidly improves, even over the course of the first paragraph and later chapters, even if they still have a fair number of errors, are quite readable. I think at this stage that it's better not to focus on that kind of thing, anyway.
At the narrative level, this prologue serves its purpose nicely, I can immediately tell that betrayal will be a major theme in this story, and I get some basic hints as to Chira's personality and the world she lives in. In particular, when I get to the first chapter, I already have an inkling as to why she would be so desperate to escape and (more importantly) why she wouldn't trust anyone. It is also clearly established that this is a fantasy story--which is good to do at the beginning in case someone doesn't like fantasy. The one thing that's still unclear to me is how this prologue relates to the rest of the story: whether it comes before or after the main narrative, but that's fine, as long as it eventually becomes clear at some point in the story (even if that's at the very end!)
Hope this helps. . . .

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The first weave
The first weave

2.1k views10 subscribers

On the day that Chira was born, the Patriarch of her family, declared her an abomination, a spirit of misfortune. It was not very surprising for a first-born girl child to be thought of as unfortunate, in an extremely patriarchal clan, like the Retta clan. They had been warriors for centuries, and lived by their swords rather than family.
Chira’s bad luck was compounded by the new of her father’s death on the day she was born. Rejected by the clan, and thrown away by her family, Chira journeys to find a place for herself in the world she was born into. Just when she thought she found stability, she found betrayal that was meant to destroy her. Follow Chira as she struggles to find a foothold in an unstable world.
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13 episodes

Prologue

Prologue

497 views 3 likes 5 comments


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