Dead... Passed away.... Gone.... Suicide... suicide...
These words kept bouncing around in my head.
Lucas Ames... Dead... Suicide... It was like I was under water.
My thoughts were stopped by shock. When the shock started to go away it was replaced by remorse... and then pain.
“Alright, Amy is it. Everyone hide! Amy you cover your eyes and count to a hundred.” Maybe I lied to myself and called it tag. Really it had been hide and seek and everyone ran away, everyone except Lucas. Lucas hid and smiled at me a gorgeous smile when I found him. I decided not to hold a grudge, it was only kids trying to goof off right?
We sat together on the swings and he didn’t say much but it was nice. The sun was setting over the ocean and he had been good company along with a bit of a comfort since the other kids had ditched me. Still, I was a big girl and hide and seek was a stupid little kids game as it was. Yet all good things must come to an end just as our time together did. “Hey Amy, what are you doing with that creep? I bet he’s thinking about the best way to get you into a shady area so he can feel you up!” Called out the same boy who had deemed me it. His name was Alec, and honestly he had a mean sense of humor. Then again maybe he was just mean and I was too blindly trusting in the good to ever see it.
Poor Lucas. He probably never had any harm in mind for me. If anything he had been trying to make me feel better, then our peers started tormenting him. Maybe honestly they would have picked on me and accepted him if it wasn’t for his decision to stay. “Come on Amy, we were just playing. It’s not safe to hang out with him. He’s probably a perv just waiting to prey on any poor sweet girl that’s naive enough to trust him. He’s a freak Amy, let's go.” I had been so confused that day. Should I go? Were they right? Could that boy who smiled at me and sat with me be out to hurt me? For a moment my cobalt blue eyes met with light sky colored eyes and I couldn’t believe for a second that they would ever wish harm on me.
Lucas stood up and took me by the arm before guiding me out of my seat on the swing and gently giving me a push in the direction of the group waiting for me. Maybe he hoped I would fit in and avoid the bullying he would endure. Maybe he thought I belonged with them. Maybe he and I just weren’t meant to cross paths for more than a day. Maybe we just weren’t truly meant to see each other as more than a one moment understanding as we looked eye to eye and only for a second.
I was pulled back to the moment by my friends sad and worried voice. "Amy? Amy... You are crying..." Kate whispered sadly as she looked at me with her big blue eyes. She was crouched in front of my desk and was wiping up my tears as the class looked with shock and some with pity. Mrs. Mason watched with sadness and concern. How had this happened? Just earlier... I had no idea he was even gone... and now...
Earlier that morning...
I couldn't breathe. Dad was so cold, his lips were blue like ice. He wasn't breathing... his heart wasn't pumping. His body had shut down. It was dark and I could only see him, his lifeless body as I cried and sobbed breathlessly. I still couldn't breathe, my lungs wouldn’t pull in air. "Daddy! Daddy please! Please don't leave me!" I sobbed and then gasped some more trying to regain my breath. It was so dark and he was so cold. Things shifted. My hands looked so small, I looked so small. My tiny child like hands desperately clung to him. Why? Just why couldn't he come back to me? Why couldn't he keep doing everything he was meant to do with me? He was supposed to teach me to drive, he was supposed to give the boys a hard time before they took me out. He was supposed to walk me down the aisle. He was supposed to be able to be there when my kids came into the world. He was my daddy... and now he was leaving me, for good.
"Happy birthday cupcake." My dad spoke in his warm rough voice as he ruffled my hair. I laughed and swatted his hands away smiling brightly. My mom carried out a cake with candles all lit up, eleven candles, a candle for each year I've been apart of the world. Daniel my little brother sat across the table watching as she set it down in the middle of the table. He was only five years old, six years younger. We were having a family celebration this year. My party was only going to be a simple day at the beach with friends. They wouldn't even have to bring presents unless they wanted to. If I had known I would have held tight to my dad and never let go. If only I had known... watching this made me realize it was another dream... I've been having them a lot. It's been torture watching him lay cold and blue in my arms. The dreams are never the same but I always see him dead at least for a little bit in each dream.
Little me laughs as her hair is ruffled once more by her father and she makes a wish silently before blowing out the candles. Her brother leans in and dips a finger in the frosting before smearing it on his sister's nose. She squeals and her father laughs. Her mother gives her brother a disappointed look and shakes her head. They had been so happy... I missed that more than anything. It hurts to watch as they laugh and act as a family. It hurt to watch them be whole. It's hard to watch the past and realize I'm jealous and lonely. I’m jealous of myself…
What if is a question many ask when they regret, they miss something they used to have, or they wish things were different. It's a question that haunts the unhappy people. It haunts me. What if someone had caught it sooner? What if they had saved him? What if my dad was here with me and my mom wasn't working twenty-four-seven trying to work the pain away? What if I hadn't had to raise my little brother since my father was declared unsavable? What if?
My dream soon faded and I opened my eyes as tears fell silently down my cheeks and the white ceiling looked back at me.
My mother was on a business trip for the next three weeks so it was just the two of us like usual. She had to support us financially now that it was just her, or so she likes to say. Our father passed away from cancer only just a year ago. My mother took refuge in her work and on top of that used the excuse of supporting us to work non-stop. My younger brother Daniel took refuge in sports and friends. I took refuge in friends and school and on top of that I did like to run. I was on the track team and I had plenty of friends. My grades were good and I was probably the picture of perfection to the untrained eye. Working and running helped me with missing him. My brother was into all sorts of sports, currently he has baseball.
"Amy! Have you seen my mitt? I can't find it and I need it for practice today!" My eleven-year-old brother called out to me while I was putting together our lunches and our breakfasts. I should have made our lunches last night but I just didn't get to it. I sighed and thought about it a moment before making a response. "I'm not sure, have you checked the back of your closet? Maybe it got put away there last season?" His first practice was tonight, April third, and he needed me to take him... Sometimes I feel like mom ditched me and now I'm left to raise a kid and go to school. It's honestly getting tiring. I set breakfast on the table after serving it onto plates, pancakes and bacon with eggs. Quickly I gathered my soft brown locks of hair and tied them up into a ponytail. I grabbed my bag and set it on my chair before placing my lunch inside of it.
The sound of the stairs told me he had found what he was looking for. Maybe we would be on time today after all. I set my bag down on the ground and then grabbed his lunch setting it by his breakfast. I needed to shovel in my food quickly if I wanted to be able to get out the door on time. "Hurry and eat, we look to be late and I'd like to not get a tardy or have to deal with you having a tardy. It's problematic sometimes since I'm not mom." I sighed and started to shovel in the pancakes. My blue eyes finally looked to my younger brother as he set his bag on his chair and stuffed his mitt and lunch into it before moving it aside and starting in on his breakfast.
"Mhm." He mumbled in response and looked down while he worked to finish off his breakfast. Daniel had black hair like our father and blue eyes since both our parents had blue. I look most like my mother with her brown hair and blue eyes and Daniel looks like him... Mother could hardly look at him without breaking down... so she just didn't look at him at all. Really, it felt like I had become his mother since dad got sick. I did everything for him, I took care of him and made sure that he got where he needed to be, made sure he did his homework, made sure he did his chores, made sure he went to bed. I wasn't stupid either, I knew how much he was hurting. In some ways he lost both his parents but in other ways it was so much worse. I can't tell you how much it hurts me to watch him suffer. I can't tell you how often I get the urge to scream and throw things at my mother for how she treats him. Just look... just look at him, he's hurting and she can't just look at him.
I set my fork down and checked the time swiftly as I finished off my eggs. Just some bacon left but maybe I would have to put it away for later in order to make it on time. I sighed and stood up pacing to the fridge and placing the bacon with the leftovers since mom didn't eat her serving. I turned to Daniel and looked him over. He was shoveling in his bacon. He had eaten so fast I should have been worried about choking. I shut the fridge and went to grab my keys before scooping up my bag in a hurry. "Come on Daniel, quick like a bunny." I spoke as I strode over by the door taking a quick look in the mirror. My top half was clothed in a light blue shirt and a light soft grey knitted cover up. My bottom half was clothed in dark jeans with fading as they went down my legs. My feet were in my favorite black converse. My white backpack hung from my shoulder with its dangling white beaded strands. The bag was made of leather and had a bit of a cowgirl feel but it didn't exactly have to do with the country.
I pulled open the door as I heard Daniel finish and scramble for his bag. I headed down the steps after locking the door, when Daniel shut the door it would lock. I stepped over to my white car and threw my stuff in the backseat before climbing into the driver seat and getting the motor going. Soon enough Daniel came scurrying out of the house and shut the door behind him. He rushed over and threw open the car door sliding into the passenger seat before slamming the door behind him. "Buckle up kiddo." I mumbled as I slid my seatbelt on. I peeled out of the driveway and headed towards the high school. I'm a junior at seventeen and Daniel is a fifth grader at the middle school. At least I don't have to make two stops in order to get us both to school.
April 3rd, the start of baseball for my little brother, I needed to remember that or I’d screw up and not end up taking him to practice on time. I let out a sigh as I parked in the school parking lot. I needed to forget about taking care of him and set my mind to normal teenager stuff. I can’t be his mommy at school, that would be such social suicide and it would make the teachers suspicious. Drama drama drama, all of which I’d like to avoid. “Have a good day Daniel, now get out.” I spoke as I stared forward at the tree that was in front of our parking spot. He made a sound of acknowledgement before the car door opened and he took off slamming the door behind him. I took a deep breath in before letting it out.
I turned and reached in back grabbing my bag and then sliding out of the car. I slid the bag over my shoulder as I looked out over the parking lot towards the school. There were groups of people gathered around and soon I would have to join one of those groups to keep up appearances. I smiled and waved at some girls I was familiar with and got an enthusiastic cheerful response before they came to join me in my walk towards the school. “Hey Amy! Did you hear? The teachers are acting weird and stuff, all gloomy and strange.” Spoke one of the girls. “Really? That’s weird… I wonder why…” I couldn’t help but wonder, if they were acting strange what had happened?
The girls then started to chatter amongst themselves, I let my mind wander to things like homework and track while we walked. A gasp left my lips as I went flying forward losing my footing as something latched onto me. Someone had been going full speed and just wrapped themselves around me, typical of my friends. I sighed and frowned while the person clinging to me let out a laugh. I rolled my eyes and retorted bitterly. “One of these days I’ll get you for that Kate.”
I scowled while she laughed harder. She gave me a squeeze before letting me go as she skipped into view. “Yeah, I’ll believe it when I see it James.” She smirked as her blue eyes looked into mine. She flicked her black hair over her shoulder while I sighed bitterly. Could she not come jumping at me every time she saw me? I walked on past her and into the school heading for my locker. Kate walked behind me smirking, I might not have eyes in the back of my head but I sure knew her well enough to guess what she was doing. Kate called me by my last name often and on occasion I did the same to her. Yes, that’s right, Amy James. My full name is Amy Brooklyn James.
“I’ll wipe that smirk right off your face Daniels” I spoke with a tinge of good natured annoyance. I could just feel her smirk getting bigger and her brow rising as if daring me. Honestly I was having trouble not smiling. She knew how to cheer me up even on the worst of days. I huffed and shook my head. Kate came up beside me and laced arms with me as we stopped in front of my locker. I placed my things away and we were off to our first class, world history. At least the teacher, Mrs. Lilith Mason, was a good teacher.
If only I had known...
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