The summer before my last year of college I came home the weekend after my last final. The very first night I was back my parents told me offhandedly during dinner that Jamie and Alice were thinking about ending their agreement with the rental. Upon hearing the news I frozen in place. After everything between me and Lucas I had never seen this coming. I never ever considered it a possibility that they would leave me too. Their residency in the house next door seemed like a permanent thing that would never end and perhaps that was a childish thought. I forced my mouth to move so I could asked them why. All dad could say was they were considering starting their tradition in a new place. Mom hypothesizes that they were trying to get Lucas interested again.

I suffered silently through the rest of dinner then turned around and emailed them instantly. Their response arrived about twenty minutes later. They practically told me the same thing they told my parents, but told me they might still come that year since they had already paid for the summer. I became extremely hopeful that I would get to spend one last summer with them.

Alice and Jamie had always pulled into the driveway a week after I had gotten home for the summer. However, as I waited looking out my bedroom window they never showed up. No cars, no luggage, no catching up. I didn’t get to go over and sit around the table and drink tea with them and talk about things that couldn’t be said well over the phone and sneak in a question here and there about Lucas. I didn’t get to see Jamie’s big smile and get to have Alice place a reassuring hand on my arm. The more time that passed while I waited the tighter my chest got.

That night I got on the computer and saw an email in my inbox. It was an apology from the two of them saying they didn’t think they would be coming at all. No excuse was given. I sat there for what felt like forever hoping that a second email would pop up saying that they had changed their mind or to somehow explain why they couldn’t be bothered to tell me why they were not coming. I knew that nothing would ever come deep down but as it got later, and it seemed like that was really the truth, it hurt way more then I thought possible.

After that realization I couldn’t stand to be in my room anymore. It felt so suffocating and so so lonely. So instead I slipped on my shoes and left to house to make my way to the beach, feeling like I needed to be some place I could actually breathe. As I shuffled off our property my mind was swirling with questions and a pressure seemed to be collecting behind my eyes. Slowly I made my way down the slight slope to the beach and all the while I could feel my breath keep catching as if something was clogging my throat. Willfully I tried to ignore it.

Once I had made my way down I took my shoes off where the sand met the scraggly grass and I let my feet sink deep into the soft coolness feeling the grains slip themselves in between my toes. Stepping lightly, I left a faint trail of footprints behind me till I reached the water’s edge. I waited there and let the waves push water onto my feet, soaking the edge of my pants before it pulled back again leaving my skin shining and wet. I sighed and looked up at the sky above me full of beautiful stars.

This would have been the last summer I could have seen them anyways. After I graduated with my bachelors in science I was going to go to veterinary school and planned to get an apartment near campus. I hadn’t narrowed down what school I was going to yet but I knew that it was going to be a different town far enough away from here. I had come to terms that I would never see Lucas again, but I figured this would be my last real chance to spend time with Jamie and Alice like it used to be. Alice had promised to teach me to bake a special kind of cake and Jamie was going to teach me how to sew so I would stop throwing away my shirts with holes in them. Now I probably would never get to.

I had known the end was coming, so why did it feel even worse than it would have if they had come this summer? Was it just because they had never said a proper goodbye? Was it because I was used to being let down, but never by them? Was it because I felt like the close family I got for 13 years had been ripped from under my feet and no one else really seemed to care? Or maybe I was fooling myself to think it ever would have been any different than this.

I felt a tear slip down my face before I realized I was crying. Crying as my mind screamed out, begging for more time. More time of being with them and feeling loved. More time learning from them and actually feeling like I had a family that cared. In the end I even wished I had more time with Lucas. I had lost more time with him then I even wanted to think about. I had lost the opportunity to grow with someone that was close to me like a brother. All because I was a selfish asshole. I wanted to continue the fond memories I had with all three of them.

Looking back the times with them might have been the happiest moments I ever had. I loved my family and my friends, but it had been something about them that had made me feel so special. It was all over now though. There was nothing like those summers left for me.

In that moment I felt like I was losing everything. I was losing the two people I considered my mom’s. I had already lost Lucas, but the pain felt fresh again, because now there really was no hope of ever rebuilding that bridge. I was also losing the part of me that I felt was the most genuine and free. I was losing what made me full of life and adventure.

The tears turned into sobs and I felt my whole body began to shake as it tried to eject all the sadness inside me. I stood there crying into my hands as the water crashed into my feet then pulled away to return to the ocean over and over again. My feet were getting colder and colder but I didn’t care. I wailed into the night and cried so hard it was difficult to breath. I wasn’t sure if I was going to be able to calm down when a voice called out behind me.