[Calea]

People say I am too young to think for myself. After seeing me acting so maturely, they end up saying something like: “It’s not good for a child.”; but being intelligent makes me a wonder. Well, about being how I am, it’s not my fault I got two big goofy brothers – someone has to be grown up and take care of them. Well, Daniel at very least.

I am pretty sure he hates me no matter what I decide. It’s not like a have a choice. Why does it feel like I don’t have a choice? That guy Jonathan says he will come soon to talk it out with me once again, if necessary. Why is it so important for me to leave? Do I want to leave?

The transferring sphere – a document that is used since early 2000s by citizens who are inhabited in Vacael as a form of testament to their heirs who live here, on the outside. One way to get inside Vacael is by it. Of course you are not obligated to accept, but the process of declaiming is far long. And I don’t care about the time it would consume, yet I am still considering all of this... There are people who are afraid, who just don’t want to go there from some reason. Do I?

Turns out its way more complicated than I thought. After some incident when Vacael was introduced to the public, citizen database documents and other files got destroyed. However, Jonathan managed to get a hold of some copy of child guardianship papers that serve him as my guardian. Just why would my parents do something like that? Don’t they trust Aunt Linda and Uncle Edgar before anyone? Does that mean I should trust that guy?

I was told that my parents lived in Vacael for a year or so. They didn’t spend much time of their lives in there to want me to spend the rest of mine. They purchased a house in the closest area they got themselves in – Devinorea (area no. 1 connected to northern America – NYC). I can’t take the legal rights to the house since I am minor; however I can declare Jonathan as my current guardian on a paper, to sign his name for it so we can keep it, otherwise the country gets it. Is that why he wants me there?

Apparently after my mom and dad heard from Aunt Linda and Uncle Edgar that they have two sons now, they realized they wanted to create a family as well. They got back CA to meet my David and Daniel and see what it’s like having children. Little did mom know, she was already pregnant with me. They figured it would be the best if I was born here because aunty and uncle won’t be able to see me if mom and dad leave before I came to this world.

It may be boring to others to talk and hear about two people who are long gone and have no meaning in this life anymore. But to me, they are always going to have a place in my mind. Even if, they never placed any memory in me, I want to create as many as I can myself. As many information as I can find, I will cherish and take all the good and bad.

My brain has always been good to me. I had a happy childhood (I am still having it). I am not scared of even bugs nor people; I can get excited easily too but I hardly show it. That is just how I am. Who knows, maybe I am afraid to show myself to people sometimes. I don’t deny fear. But just like a ‘normal’ child, I am very inquisitive person. I have an opportunity to meet people my parents knew, place my parents wanted to start their life in... Just what’s it like I wonder...

People always say you should think about your choices well and that you should follow your heart. But just what does the heart have to do with anything? Your brain is responsible for what you do, think and how you feel. I won’t say heart isn’t an essential part of us, because it is, but I guess people just wanted to create an ‘enemy’, something to blame for, because many things can go wrong with how we decide to act at the end. Follow your heart because your head doesn't know what it’s thinking. We make action, thinking we did what was right by following our hearts. If we fail, we blame our head for not thinking well enough. That is how our three friend group works. We are compelled to follow them. But, the thing is, they follow us. They help us. Some use terms of angel and the devil. You know, when you reconsider your choices so they appear on your shoulder. As long as you’re not really hallucinating, it’s good. It’s important to remember that our conscience will always look after us. We will always have that one supportive friend – that supportive side that won’t abandon us unless we decide to think differently.

Am I ready and old enough to leave the family I love and appreciate so much to peruse after something that I want to know so badly? Maybe this is not the day... I can learn about my parents some other way, some other time.

What if this is my only chance to do this?

Reason I know many unnecessary topics and facts in computing area got me teased as a “geek girl” in my school. Even at this age. But it’s normal in this century, right? I mean, everyone knows how to look up something on the internet today. It’s a big place. I found myself there sometimes. People say it’s scary but what world isn’t? Don’t get me wrong, I would never lose myself online. I just love escaping geek girl’s reality sometimes. Kids can be mean and I couldn't cope with it at first. The internet helped me get over it like nothing happened. The bullying eventually stopped but my love for typing never did. In fact it grew. But with no worries, I had two brothers who wouldn’t let me sit all day at it.

I couldn’t help but wonder what they would do if they knew about the bullies in school. I was glad I could escape it all without telling anyone. Not that it’s a good thing. I guess I didn’t always feel so safe to confront with them. Despite them not knowing what has been happing to me, or the fact that I wasn’t so happy when I was younger, I am sure everyone knows I have a pretty good life here. I do not want them to think otherwise because of ‘my idea’ of leaving. I just can’t hide my desire for experiencing what it would be like over there where my mom and dad use to survive.

21th June 2015, Sunday

“Hey there Callie, may I join you?” asked the tall blonde girl, Stephanie. I heard the car stopping by, but I didn’t know it was them again. Why so soon? Pretty sure she has no business with an almost ten–year–old sitting in the sand, deliberating. I liked our backyard because people couldn’t see me act like a child whenever I wanted to. It’s better if they don’t like me when I am mature, than think I am too childish for my age. You can never please people.

I gave her a nod and she sat down next to me. She will get her pants dirty, but I don’t have to tell her that. I don’t mind if she joins my alone time. It’s not like she can make the world in my head any quieter.

“Something tells me it’s more of a ‘why yes’ than ‘why not’ nod,” she smiled; I didn’t understand her. I am usually good with people’s odd talks. She must be just weird then. Or I am not giving her my full attention.

“I just had a conversation with your aunt. She told me you must be here. I bet you’re having a tough time now,” she said not looking at me because I wasn’t looking at her. I didn’t say anything. It would be rude to just let her talk, but I just didn’t know what to say, or do. I just made squiggly lines on the sand with the twig.

“I notice you don’t talk much. And yet I bet you’re full with thoughts inside,” she tapped me on the head. I didn’t like people touching my hair. Weirdly, I always thought people hate my messy hair so I didn’t want anyone touching it and end up being grossed out or something. Stephanie seemed really nice with her constant warm smiles though. It’s not that she felt sorry for me; she just understood how hard this is. Perhaps, something like this has actually happen to her before? How can it? I can tell that she is new to her job. She even still looks like a teen.

“You have good accuracy for details,” she continued.

“Useless details,” I said.

“Oh, but they’re not! There are not many people that I’ve met that pay attention to tiny matters.”

“Yeah, because they’re useless,” I repeated. “Double space is a common mistake in typography.”

“Esthetic isn’t useless. In Vacael, people respect good designs and–“

“Funny, because the transferring sphere isn’t being printed from over here,” I said interrupting her statements.

“The transferring sphere is a form that is compiled in my headquarters. Despite that many details remain the same for each person, not each situation is quite the same so the whole form required to be retyped,” she explained. “You know, you would be a great addition to Jonathan’s team.”

“His team?” I asked confused.

“Yes. I guess you don’t know about that yet. It’s not common knowledge that Vacael does have its problems and our teams are in charge of solving them.”

“What can be the problem in the perfect world?” I asked.

“I must admit, I am astounded by your knowledge of Vacael, but it seems as if you only searched for the basics. I know they don’t let their information fly like that here, but still, one must go deeply into investigating the opportunity,” said Stephanie trying to sound wisely. “The world is boring unless you have a chance to explore it. I believe you should come with us. However no one can force you, you know that. Since you’re underage and can’t speak for yourself–“

“I can speak for myself,” I said defensively.

“By the law, you can’t. We don’t know why your parents wanted you there or why is Jonathan signed as you legal guardian, but the fact is, he is responsible for you. Even he can be quite delirious when it comes to choosing the next step. Don’t tell Jonathan this but,” she got close to me as if she was giving me a secret, “he is not that good with children. He is in his forties and doesn’t have kids on his own. Which means, you can take advantage of his unintelligence and make him get you whatever you want proving him that’s how kids act! I am not far from the truth anyway.”

Okay so she has an evil side there a bit too. But I got to say, it made me grin. Maybe she just knows her ways with people.

“But I am not a kid. And he doesn’t seem like he is that dumb.”

“Eh,” Stephanie shrugged. She does know that guy better than I though.

“Why are you perusing me into this?” I asked after thirty seconds of silence. “I know it’s your job but it’s not necessary. Your words don’t affect my intellect.”

“You have a talent and you would fit right in there. But believe me, I gain nothing from this. My paycheck goes just for following Jonathan.”

“But you don’t get paid in money,” I said factually. “And why? How are you two connected?”

“I won’t be taken aback with what you know anymore. And yes, Vacael doesn't technically use money but it does have its, so called, currency, a valuable system. Jonathan and I knew each other for about two years and he helped me get my secure job. And now as a newcomer, my headquarters agreed to assign as his team administrator. I am telling you, you can learn all about these things if you were to come with us.”

“I don't have to come with you to learn these things, though,” I said still defending my reason.

“Obviously,” she smiled but this time it was kind of sarcastically. I do know internet isn’t enough as an actual experience, but that’s all I can get. Well not all that I can get now. Vacael never interested me as much before to actually want to go there. I was fine with just knowing more about it than an average man you see on the street. Now that I hear more about it, I see how Stephanie got her job.

“People are happy there. And as that was always enough for Thomas and Helena, government went on protecting the citizens by not giving the whole definition about how things work there. Entering the place means you agree to the terms of accepting what is given to you without questioning it,” she said. Does she try to scare me now? Or make me more lose my head in clouds? I got back to not saying anything and just playing in sand.

“I guess I will get back to Jonathan now. He’s been talking to you uncle for quite a while now–,” Stephanie stood up cleaning her pants from the sand at the spot.

“Doesn’t he seem terrifying to you?” I had to ask, because I don’t know what to think of him.

“Does he seem that way to you?” she asked with her face looking down at me. I didn’t meet her eyes to know that she doesn’t find this question one bit surprising. “John is just like that. I can already tell he brings great things with himself. And I don’t mean just you. His life is just full of expectations. Seems like he has a big history and hopefully, big future.”

“He knew your parents and something tells me he has the need to not mess this up for his deceased friends. Perhaps he feels guilty about the whole car accident thing.”

This is about my father’s death. Aunt Linda mentioned car accident once, twice, maybe three times was it when I listened carefully from behind the door.

Those were the only times I could hear her speak about her family. I am glad she has Uncle Edgar to confide in like that. Not only because it was those rare moments when I could find something out about it. Aunt Linda tells me things, but not as much as she knows. I never asked or knew anything about the accident, but I did find out mom wasn’t always the nicest conversationalist. Just like dad who was more on the quiet side. I would have to guess my mom made the first move. She was one year older than him.

I will suppose Jonathan knows a lot about my parents than aunty can tell me. I felt bad for not always understanding why she is not comfortable speaking about her brother, my father, to me. Nor her best friend, my mother. I couldn’t bring myself to force her even though I was dying to know. However, I believed her when she said: “there is not much to tell”. Aunt Linda just wasn’t as introduced to their lives as perhaps Jonathan was. They didn’t move in the same roads.

Brain creates fear. It also creates excitement. It transfers it to the heart and eventually it starts beating faster. Like, when you’re hyped. I love that feeling. I'm feeling it now. It’s a mix of fear and excitement. I want to go. I want to see what’s out there for me and why mom and dad wanted me there. I can always come back, right? I know that’s also a long process, but who knows, I might actually find my way there. But I am afraid now, afraid of saying it...

Please mom (aunt), dad (uncle), David, Daniel let me go. I am so sorry I am more filled with such thrill about going to an unknown land than compassion about leaving this place. I am sorry for not worrying more about what can happen to me, to all of you, for not feeling as sad about leaving you all and missing you... I just got the urge to meet what I am rightfully entitled to know.

I heard Stephanie saying to Jonathan I need more time. I saw him nodding in the distance. He respected my decision.