We sat there for a few more heartbeats and the world continued to turn slowly even though time seemed to stop for us. Each breath felt slow and labored in the tension and I couldn’t handle it anymore. The words busted out of me as if they had been on the tip of my tongue for all those years. “Where were you? You just disappeared for five years and wouldn’t take my calls or read my messages. I wanted to apologize for the stupid things I said that night but you never let me.”

I was too nervous to look at him. I didn’t want to know what he was going to say but at the same time my ears were burning for the answers. He said he wanted to fix things with me, but did that mean repairing this hole that was torn in our relationship or cutting me out of his life forever officially?

“Yeah…I’m really sorry about that. Now looking back as an adult I know what I did was really immature of me. I didn’t react well at all to what happened that night. It’s just that, that summer my whole world had revolved around you.

I had wanted to be with you all the time and get to know you. I was already dreading the day we had to leave when we first arrived. The thing is…” He paused and took a deep breath. I could see his leg jiggling as he tried to control his nerves. “The thing is…back then I had a crush on you-“my head whipped up to look at him and I could see him looking at me with eyes swimming with worry. He noticed my look and his face lit up in panic. “No, wait, I mean it’s not like that anymore so don’t worry!” my face went slack and I honestly didn’t know what to think. I never would have even given the possibility that he had a crush on me a thought. I bit my lip and let him continue. “So yeah I liked you and I wanted more than anything for you to like me back, but when you told me we were not even friends it was an eye opener. You were never going to like me. My feelings were one sided and I was just some stupid kid to you. When you first tried to call I was too upset to talk to you. Eventually you stopped calling and I didn’t have to worry about it anymore. I figured by the time summer came around again everything would be alright and we would go back to the way we were but when it did I was afraid to face you. I was still trying to get over you and just the thought of seeing you and pretending everything was okay was way too painful already. And then as time went by it felt harder and harder to face you. Summers came and went and the more time that passed the more I knew I would have to explain and I guess I was just a chicken. When I realized this was my last chance to spend a summer with you like this, I decided to suck it up.” Our eyes had been locked ever since I turned my head but he lowered his eyes then. “I’m really sorry and I regret the way I acted and all the time I wasted. I hope we can still be friends even though you know this now.”

I could feel emotions clog in my throat as I looked at his downcast head in the moonlight. I dropped my head into my hands and a sound between a choke and a laugh erupted from my body.

It was silent for a moment before he stood up. “Yeah sorry I get it. I’ll just stay out of your way. I knew this was a bad idea but I still had to try.”

He went to take a step to leave but I shot out my hand and grabbed his arm. “Wait no.” I slowly raised my head and he could see the tears on my face. “I just…I always thought it was because you hated me now you know? I never treated you that great and when I told you we were not friends I figured that that was the last straw. I guess to hear that it was the opposite, that you liked me too much….is it bad to say that that makes me happy?” I lowered my head again in a sense of defeat. “I’m glad that you don’t hate me.”

Lucas’s arm tensed in surprise. “You…thought I hated you?” I nodded my head without looking up at him. “Oh shit are you kidding me?” I shook my head and he laughed humorlessly in disbelief. I felt his hand touch under my chin and he tilted my head up to look at his face. “I never hated you. Not in my entire life. I never thought you were mean. I was always so happy that you even bothered with me. I was some bratty kid hanging onto your arm all summer and you went along with it. I was always grateful you never pushed me away.”

I stared into his eyes and realized he was telling the truth. How naive could he be? How could he look back on all those memories and see the bright side of it? “But, I used to leave you behind all the time and play tricks on you and say mean things. That doesn’t make any sense.”

He shrugged. “I didn’t mind you know? We were both immature and stupid and in the end I was just happy to be with you.”

My heart squeezed in pain just thinking about how I treated him when he just wanted to be with me. “Sounds like an abusive relationship to me.” I said weakly and my grip on his arm loosened and fell.

“Maybe it wasn’t the best relationship, but I never viewed it that way. We were young,” His hand was still under my chin and I felt like his face was getting closer to mine. “but we both grew and changed and you wouldn’t do that to me now, would you?”

“No.” I wasn’t sure if the words were even loud enough to hear. “I wouldn’t do that to you…I never thought of it like that.”

“Yeah” His smile was bright. “All kids are little shits, and we were no exceptions. We both made mistakes back then, and I think if we both accept that, we can move on.”

“I still feel bad though. I think I’ll always feel bad about it.”

Suddenly he pulled me forward and pulled me into his chest in a hug. “Well, then it might take a little more work. Let’s make this last summer one that changes that.”

I slipped my arms around him and pressed my face farther into his chest, breathing in his smell. I felt some more tears fall from my face. I never imagined I would be so worked up over having him forgive me. I felt like all the sudden I got something back that I had lost a long time ago.

I had more to say to him. There was so much more we had to really go through before things were completely okay between us, but I felt for now this was good enough. This was a start. We could hammer out the details about what happened later.