Alan opened his eyes to white walls. His mind muddled, his memories mixed, he tried to sit up, but a small figure pushed him back down. Turning his head, he saw Lily. The sight of her calmed him down; if she was here, and not the Castle Cleric, then he should be fine.

"Go back to sleep, Alan. The Castle Cleric said you shouldn't be awake until the evening, or the healing process will falter." Memories returned. Panic filled his core again, as he tired to move his right arm-

The right arm didn't move. Pain ripped through the arm like small fire needles, leaving him gasping in pain.

"Alan, I swear to the gods above, you idiot-" She sang a simple spell, calm slipping through him and creating a misleading state of sleep. The last thing he felt before falling unconscious was the terrifying lack of weight on the right side of the bed.

The next time he awoke, the confusion passed much quicker. Beside him sat the Castle Cleric, with a small clipboard in their hands. "Good afternoon, Sir Alan. Seeing as you confused, I'll get straight to the point; you no longer have an arm. Due to the curse that was on the blade, we can't make something for you to use as an arm, but we do have someone who can train you how to do things without it. You will be put out of the war roster until you can figure out..." The words formed a hazy cloud around Alan's head. His arm was forever gone... How would he protect the princesses, what about Tamotsu's training?

At some point, the Cleric had left the room. Tear's formed in his eyes, he tried to reach out to the cup of water on the side table-

Wrong arm. He doesn't- fuck.

Carefully, with his left arm, he picked up the cup of water and downed it, throwing the empty cup at the wall in a fit of rage. The anger leaves him quickly. It left the young man an empty husk of what he used to be, seemingly shattered like the wooden cup he destroyed. He had visitors throughout the day, who all ignored the shattered cup in the back of the room. Tamotsu was first, who told Alan he would continue to train under him. Next was Mist, who gave him a hug and made him laugh with silly stories about the other squires. Lastly was Sir Illian, a close friend who offered to help him around for a while. Alan felt empty through all the interactions, but he acted unfazed and everyone seemed to believe him. Has he always acted so fake, to the point that when actually acting, they didn't bat an eye? Or did they just not care enough to see?

After hours of staring at blank walls, he realized that Alden hadn't visited at all. He didn't blame Alden, he had just lost his wife, but Alan couldn't help but feel as though Alden might know what to tell him. Alden would see through his facade, Alden always knew what to say... Alan cursed and glared at the wall in front of him. He shouldn't feel like this; Alden was a married man, and now a grieving man. Alan's petty crushes didn't matter anymore.

Days passed slowly, until Alan was released from the infirmary. The first thing he tried to do was cook: all he got from his 2 hours of frustration was tears and a burnt omelet. The omelet was fed to another knight's dog, and he left the cleaning for the assistant chef, who had watched him in pity, and offered to clean up for him.

A week ago, he could out cook the goddamn head chef by a landslide.

Katie's thigh pulsed painfully the second time in days, the mark of Pelil glowing faintly through her dress. She searched the castle for the source, and soon passed a certain knight's room...

Alan.

The feelings of emptiness and helplessness swarm through her like a storm. She didn't know Alan very well, but it was easy for her to come up with an idea of what to do. Gaining access to the kitchen wasn't much trouble, the the head chef was completely willing to assist her. In the end, she had dozens of cakes ready for the people stuck in the infirmary, and two extras, made special. One with blueberries, and one with saffirberries from the nearby country Ula. She hoped dearly that what the blessing had told her was true. Quickly, she handed the two cakes to Tamotsu, telling him to serve them to himself and Alan during dinner, and told him which was who's.

She hoped with all her heart it would help somehow.

Alan tried swimming next, but soon left after realizing you needed both arms to backstroke. He tried to read a book, but had trouble holding it with one hand. He tried to practice swordplay, but his missing arm threw him off balance and Sir Illian always won. Soon it was evening, and Tamotsu had brought Alan's food to their room. Two small cakes were also on the platters, and as they ate, Tamotsu explained that Katie thought the cakes might cheer everyone up.

Alan pretended not to notice that his cake was filled with blueberries, his favorite sweet. How did Katie, the princess he barely knew, knew exactly what fruit he loved most. She pretended that she was worthless, but he knew there was something useful about her. She was impressive with feelings...

Tamotsu wished him goodnight and retired to bed, waking Alan from his thoughts. Alan wandered out of the room, strolling aimlessly in the maze of hallways.

The last thing he tried to do was get to his favorite spot on the roof. It was easy enough to get to the last floor, but climbing out of a balcony up to the roof proved to be a challenge. He almost gave up, but he was so tired of failure. Hours later, he triumphantly sat on the edge of the roof, the wind quickly slipping through his hair. The air was thin, and it felt amazing; he had missed the cool, rapid-moving wind he always encountered up here. It had been ages since Alan last went up here, and knowing no one knew where he was, he finally felt alone, overlooked.

His gaze moved down under him, where his legs dangled over the edge. The ground seemed so small up from here, the people so insignificant... He wondered if he fell, if he would be one of the insignificant. He was worthless now, the only thing he could do was breathe. Alan wondered if Alden would miss him if he fell, and if it would change anything. Eda would still be dead. Mist would still be screaming at night about bloodstained grass, and angels falling from the sky. Tamotsu would look after the princesses for him. He didn't want to fall, but he couldn't help but wonder.

"Alan!" The sound of his name made him turn his head, his eyes widening at the sight of the King haphazardly standing a few feet behind him, on a flatter part of the roof. Alden's eyes were filled with worry, his face panic-stricken. "Alan, please, you can't... Move away from there!" Alden's voice trembled.

Did Alden think he was going to jump?

Was... Was he going to jump?

Alan glanced back at his feet, and the sight of the ground suddenly sickened him. Scrambling to his feet, he turned to face Alden. "I-I wasn't going to-" tears formed in his eyes. "Why are you here?'

"I saw you climbing on the balcony. I was worried."

Alan scoffed, directing his eyes to the slowly setting sky. He refused to look at Alden. "Why didn't you visit me then, if you were so worried!_" Alden gave out a confused noise. "I was stuck in the infirmary for days. In all my life, that was the moment-" Alan's voice cracked, "That was the moment I needed your words the most. I felt like shit- I still feel like shit, jackass." He ignored the hand that rested on his shoulder, no matter how much it made his heart flutter.

"I-"

"This really isn't fair, is it? I can't do anything- I can't protect you, or Mist, I can't... I can't cook, or swim, or hold a goddamn book, and it was hard to cut the meat on my plate, and the only one who noticed how I felt was fucking Katie."

"Alan-"

"I'm a failure, a default in your fucking plan! You with your perfect plans and perfect face and perfect words, having to deal with a mess like me! You should just get rid of me. I can't train Tamotsu, I can't fight, my whole purpose is gone. Part of me was lost that day, and now, I just feel... Empty." A hand reached out to turn Alan's head towards Alden's. Alan submitted, but refused to meet his gaze. There was so much pity on his face. Too much. "Sorry, I didn't mean to- to dump everything on you. I-I'm sure you're facing troubles of your own... I'll just- I'll just go."

But Alden refused to let him go. "Alan, please.." The words were so gentle, bringing tears to Alan's eyes.

"What." Alan winced at the harshness of his own voice. He didn't want to cry in front of Alden; he needed to leave soon.

"I'm sorry." His voice was so compassionate, and sincere... Tears slid down Alan's face, his expression strained.

"For what?!" His voice broke. "None of this was your fault..." Arms found their way around his waist. Alan tensed, alarm bells ringing through his head.

"No one thinks of you as a burden. You're the closest friend I have, and the only person who's not scared of calling me out as a jackass. I've never thought you would ruin my plans, whatever they are. I don't.... I don't want you to go."

"Then I won't." They locked eyes, and nodded at each other. Softly, as if his voice had left, Alan muttered again, "I won't."