Day 85
That metal monster was not the girl I loved. It was a machine, and nothing more. It was amiable and told me what I wanted to hear. It didn't have her eyes, her body, or her personality. It was a shell that once held a soul. I could barely stand to look upon such a creature.
It was always fairly obvious to me that she had suffered some previous past sexual trauma. Being trapped in her own body was a constant reminder of those traumas. Her wrists were scarred. She had once told me she had scars that I could not see.
I would do anything and everything to have her back the way she was. Her smile was enchanting. The nights she spent with me when she was well enough to come out of her room were the most fun nights of my life. And all we were doing was watching movies.
She asked me many questions about the movies because she knew I liked to answer them--but even in her own incapacitated state, she wanted to help me more than she wanted to help herself. She also liked to ask me personal questions. She knew I was unhappy. She knew I needed help, too. She made me the focus of most our conversations, and she helped ease the pain of losing my sister and girlfriend to metal. It was hardly something I could live with beforehand, but while she was around, it felt like a pain that I could deal with.
I could barely hold back tears when I realized she cared about me far more than she did herself. I wondered if she had ever really liked herself the way humans were meant to. Maybe she didn't, and that's why she could devote so much of her time to helping others.
When she injected the serum into her wrist, I broke down into a sob at her feet. She put a cold hand on my head--an imitation of human empathy--and told me that everything would be fine.
I hadn't seen her since that night.
I took a walk late at night; wanting to think of anything else but Shawna.
***
Day 95
There was a time from my teens to my twenties in which I liked to use drugs and drink with friends. It began as something I didn't do often and turned into an addiction. My parents found out I was abusing those substances and got me into treatment. I'd been a clean, upstanding citizen since then. But this incidence reminded me of just how good dulled pain felt. It dulled everything from loneliness to persistent unavoidable memories.
I was drinking at a friend's party one night and a blond haired man said to me, "do you want your girl back?"
"Wha--?" I said, feeling dizzy. The crowded room was spinning. There was noise in my ears and a rank smell in my nostrils.
"The world is facing an epidemic. Women are mostly made of metal now and men are taking the poison from the Goddess without the love of women." The man said.
I laughed a little. "What are you talking about?"
"I am the God married to the Goddess. She has grown to hate me because I have not treated her as I should have. In response, she is saving women's virtue and killing men. You must show her how far a man is willing to go for a woman." The man said seriously.
I couldn't tell whether it was because of the alcohol or not, but I believed him. "What must I do?"
"There is a cure to your girl's metal disease, but it involves your death. Are you willing to save her?" The man asked.
I had tears in my eyes. Of course I was. She was all I could think about. "...Anything."
"Take the poison, and with poisonous lips, go kiss your girl. That is the cure." The blond man instructed.
"You can only get the poison from the goddess, though..." I said uncertainly.
"She will be more than willing to let you kill yourself, I'm sure." The blond man replied, and then disappeared from sight.
***
Day 102
It took me a week to get to the goddess' temple on the sea. I stood before the rainbow road. I was afraid. I did not know how much resentment she had towards men at this point, but she resented them enough to want to sterilize the human race to keep women safe. I breathed in and walked across the rainbow road floating above the seat and entered the goddess' pantheon.
Inside, there was a throne. I looked around the otherwise empty and ethereal room in amazement.
Suddenly, there was a voice in my ear as the goddess appeared by my side and shoved me with a laugh. "What does a man want with the goddess?"
The light she was made of was nearly blinding. "I want your poison."
She crossed her shining arms. "You want to die?"
I bristled angrily. "I want to save a woman I love! I would do anything!"
The goddess was silent for awhile, and then she walked around the empty space thoughtfully until her back was faced to me with her arms crossed. "You know, two years ago, I spread the word wherever I could that men could cure women if they were willing to kill themselves in the process. I told them that they could do it by taking the poison and kissing the woman they loved. There were no takers though. Men really are worthless and selfish."
I was angry. Angry that she would tear such a large rift between men and women. Angry that she had no regard for men or the women who loved them.
"You're the one who is selfish and worthless. How could you hurt women and men so badly?" I demanded.
She spun around in offense and faced me. Her voice enveloped me and seemed to be inside my head as she said, "how dare you! I would never hurt women! And men deserve anything and everything that comes to them!"
I shook my head, tears in my eyes. "That's why you're selfish; you give women a magic pill that does nothing to help them. It kills them. And men as a result are miserable without women."
She appeared in front of me and blinded me as her body made of light flared in anger. "I have saved women! They will never feel pain again! They are safe; they are spared. They are no longer your slaves who have to have your children!"
"You offer them a painless way to kill themselves! Maybe they'll never feel pain again--but they won't feel love either! They can't be mothers or wives, they can't feel proud or happy... They're machines! Give me back the woman I love! Give me the poison!"
The goddess bristled. "You won't actually do it. Who is this girl you are supposedly willing to kill yourself for?"
Shawna was in my head and in my eyes as I said her name with my voice barely above a whisper. Her rare smiles and her incredibly deep personality and thoughtfulness; that secretive, provocative, and defensive attitude that made her intoxicating to me. Someone that lovely needed to be apart of the world.
The goddess planted her hands on her hips. "I remember that girl. She was in one of the most traumatic ordeals I'd ever seen. She needed to be a machine to be saved. There was no coming back from that experience. I wouldn't wish being human on her in any case."
Shawna was in my eyes again. She smiled and laughed and leaned her head on my shoulder while we watched a movie. She wanted to live. Maybe she would never work or be the same as she was before her ordeal, but she wanted to live. At least a part of her did. She wanted to be my wife.
I sobbed. "I adore her. Let me try."
The goddess leaned on one hip. She was probably thinking I was pathetic. I didn't think she would allow me to try, but I was wrong.
"I see you care a lot about her. Very well. Here is the deal; you must take the poison here, and I will give you a week to kiss Shawna. If you can't do it in time, you will die, and she will stay metal. If you can do it, you will still die, but she will be human. Are you still willing?"
I gritted my teeth. "That's not fair!"
"It doesn't matter whether it is. This is the one deal open to you. How much do you love her?" The goddess taunted infuriatingly.
"I love her more than you will ever love or be loved! Give me the poison! It's a deal!"
***
Day 1
I was on my way home with groceries for my parents. I still lived with them, but I could move out soon ever since I became a manager at a local fast food joint.
My parents cried often. I did not understand why. They said something about me not being the same; having no personality and emotions. It made no sense.
I climbed out of my car with a bag of groceries. Someone grabbed my shoulder. I spun around defensively. It was the man, Joahnnes. The girl inside of me used to have deep desires and feelings abut him. But I felt nothing at all.
He looked sick. Deathly sick. I had an innate need to save humans. I said to him, "you are sick. Let me take you to the hospital."
He ignored what I said and kissed me. Something deep inside me stirred. I kissed him back. My metal hands were on his cheeks, and I felt my heart beating inside of me as I was enveloped in light and shone like the goddess herself.
I was warm suddenly. I burst with love and affection as he kissed me.
I was real, and I had never been more grateful to be real. All of my parts were real now.
I had feelings and thoughts and emotions that went in all directions instead of just basic instincts about survival. How could I forget how much I loved him? How could I choose death over him? He was my angel, and I couldn't thank him enough for rescuing me. I needed help, and he was the only one who completely understood how to give it to me.
But he slumped over and I caught him in my arms as he did so. He was much bigger than me, and he dragged us both down to the dirty sidewalk. I was crying with worry. "What's wrong? Why are you dying? Stay with me!"
"Live for me..." He said with a wobbly smile. He closed his eyes.
"No..." I was sobbing uncontrollably. "This is all my fault..."
Jo shook his head. "I'll haunt you forever if you hold that thought in your head. You made such a big impact on me in so little time. I know you can do more for this world than I can."
I screwed my eyes shut in pain. "What will I do without you?"
I opened my eyes again and he was gone. I sniffled miserably. I had no words. Just a pervading sadness in my very soul. After a minute, I managed to say, "I'd die for you, too..."
***
Day 30
For him, I lived. For him, I got a new job at a clinic for depressed clients. For him, I managed to try and be happy. I would always mean what I said to him when he died; I would die for him too. I'd rather he lived. I'd rather we both lived. I made an impulsive, stupid choice when I injected that serum. I thought it would be my salvation--and his too. I thought he would be better off without me. I was so wrong. We were best when we were together.
One day, on a rainy night, I zipped up my jacket and put up my hood. I took out the umbrella I had packed in my purse. I splashed through pouring rain and shivered on my way to my car. I just finished with my last patient.
I could start anew, and I did. I would never, ever sacrifice the gift given to me ever again. I could smile and be happy for the first time in a long time, but it was a mild happiness, with an underlying sadness underneath. Still, it felt good just to be happy and alive.
For the past weeks, I had allowed myself an hour each day to mourn him. Just thinking about him--the quirks I loved about him--our time together, any supposed actions we may have taken together in the future. It helped me immeasurably to do so. He was real and alive when I took time to do that. I still had my lucky penny tucked away from when I first met him. I often held it in my hands and cried with a smile. Lucky indeed.
But something happened that I did not expect to happen as I walked through the ice cold rain to my car. The goddess appeared in front of me in a flash of light. I shivered as she crossed her arms.
"You have been well. Better than well for a girl so incapacitated. Maybe I was wrong about him. Wrong about men in general. He really cared about you..."
I stared at her coldly. "I hate you. You ripped him from my arms. You gave me permission to withdraw from life. You killed me. You killed him."
"That's one way to look at it. You could say I made you realize just how precious life is." She said sarcastically and cruelly.
I shook my head and cried. "You wanted to teach me that all men were bad. You wanted me to bar them off forever even though one turned out to be my salvation."
A man made of light appeared next to the goddess and held her hand. "We have both come together and decided that you two humans have proved what others have not."
"And what is that?" I replied defensively.
"That men and women can get along. That they need one another to be happy. You have overcome so much to get here, and you couldn't do it without him. We wish to give you a gift." With their free hands outstretched, they formed with their fingers the shape of a man. I could only see his shape for a moment as he sparkled with a shining gold light, but as he came into being, I realized this was not just any man. This was my man.
I clapped a hand over my mouth with tears in my eyes. I threw down my umbrella as the two gods behind Jo disappeared into thin air.
Without hesitation, I kissed him. He had tears in his eyes, too.
After a moment, I just leaned my head into his chest, never wanting him to go away again.
"I thought I was dead..." He said breathlessly.
"You were. They brought you back, though." I explained to him with a wobbly smile.
"We showed them, then? What it means for a man to love a woman and vice versa?" He said.
"We showed them!" I exclaimed through happy tears.
"You don't taste like metal anymore. You taste like cherries!" Jo laughed.
"Must be my chapstick. You taste like coffee still!" I laughed in return.
The End
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