8-19-17 Try A Little Tenderness

Byline: Gary Llewellyn

Dateline: August 19th, 2017

Stephanie was giving Oberon a bunch of shit about the drowning. She’s still new at this and still pretty raw about it. I went on a jag around 94-95 where every other day someone was trying to execute me. You hunt monsters, you find monsters. Not so new that she hasn’t managed to amass an army of goblins and a tarrasque. That’s the life, folks. This shit just happens. Learn, as soon as possible, to just ride it. It’s like surfing, except the board is a monster and the ocean is your life.

“Steph. What are you doing?”

“Gary? Where did you come from?” she broke away from berating Oberon.

“I was leading the demon army to Lyon to cut the head off Interpol.”

“I’ll take that piece by piece; what demon army?”

“It was up on the slope before the Cosmic Buzzkill yanked it away. See those trees up there? That’s some of them. What are you doing with Oberon?”

“Oh right. Guys,” she called to some kobolds milling about, “Work his midsection.”

Time for reading from Garyology, Vol. 3. What’s better than a vanquished foe? One that owes you a favor.

“Wait. Nobody is working anybody’s midsection,” I stepped between the kobolds and Oberon. “One of you, cut down this half pound sack of shit.”

“What? He tried to kill us,” Stephanie protested.

I gave my look that said, “Trust me. I’m drunk enough to pull it off.”

“King Oberon,” I crouched by his beaten, broken, adorable little body. He looked like a well worn stuffed animal, “I trust my apprentice, Stephanie, has made it clear that she’s more than willing to kill you. Which you can bet your dingleberries she would have done...had I not shown up and delivered unto you a mercy, I assure you, you would not have seen from her. You would have been just like that halfa little guy, over there. But, you get to go home today. Broken and beaten, but alive. And that’s all thanks to your old buddy, Gary. I hope you remember that when I might need a helping hand someday.”

“Fuck you, Gary,” Oberon wheezed.

“Okay, boys. Do with him as you like.”

“Wait, wait, okay.”

“Swear the four words upon your amulet and seal the bond, Oberon.”

“Fine,” he sputtered. “You bastard...I mo b’nun.”

“Speak up, Fae King. The more witnesses the better.”

“I owe you one. Now, let me go, you sadist.”

“Bye, Oberon. Make sure you answer the phone.”

“Dude,” Stephanie said, walking toward me, “I wasn’t going to kill him. Just make him beg for it. But, I was gonna let him go eventually”

“He didn’t know that.”

“What?” Oberon shrieked, “You demon, you tricked me. If you think I owe you anything…”

“You’re going to break a sacred promise? Consecrated on the field of battle and traded with your life?”

“We made a bond under false pretenses.”

“Then go get a ghost lawyer, you imaginary fuck."

“One day you will call on me to honor this bond, and I will oblige, but once completed, I will cut you down, Llewellyn. Once and for all.”

“Nope, I plan to go to my grave never having asked you for a thing. And being bound, as you are, won’t be able to die, until you fulfill my request that I can’t give you because I’m dead. You’ll just exist until the heat death of the universe. And then I guess float around in dead space for eternity, suffocating, but never dying. Freezing, but never to death. Aging long past decrepitude, but never losing consciousness. Nothing to see, nothing to hear, not even your internal organs which have long since rotted away. You’ll go mad and eat off your own arms, but only as far up as you can reach them with your mouth. And that’s for trying to execute me, you prick,” I socked him in the jaw, “And that’s for siding with Interpol.”

8-19-17 War Pigs

Byline: Stephanie Morgan

Dateline: August 19th, 2017

Dear, SEG-ers, I need to step up my revenge game. Gary’s going to let Oberon sweat it out for awhile. We’ll probably need to call that favor in sooner or later. A war is coming, it might have already started. It’s a relativistic war, with no clear sides or lines, where any side can be good or bad depending on your angle, speed and position. In a case like that, look for the spherical bastards. Those who are bastards from every angle. They get a spot on your shit list. Everyone else is a potential ally or at the very least a resource. I think that is the difference between Gary and me. I see allies. He sees resources.

The Bigfeet knew a storm was coming. They made a deal with the Illuminati to weather the storm by staying on Mars, returning after the forests retook the Earth. While they were there they would oversee the rebirth of the mighty forests of Mars, by accessing the seed bank in the silo under the pyramid. Who knows if they made it? Mars still looks red to me. Or is that one of those holograms Gary is always going on about?

My kobold spy network has gotten word of large gatherings of Bal Bal in the Philippines, an outbreak of bakhtak in a small village outside of Tehran and a pod of Kraken capsizing fishing boats in the North Atlantic. How much of these are relevant? You don’t know till you go there and find out.

8-26-17 Step Right Up

Byline: Gary Llewellyn

Dateline: August 26th, 2017

It can take a photon a million or more years to escape to the surface from its birthplace at the core of a star. Photons from the star Cas take sixteen thousand years to reach the Earth. Your life compared to a photon’s is that of a mayfly to you. Yet you were at the exact moment in time and exact point in space to catch that sucker in a cosmic, kamikaze money shot right on your retina, where it was converted to power a chemical chain in your central nervous system that caused you to think you saw light. You saw what your brain tells you is light and adds it to the map it’s constantly projecting onto reality. The relevant part of this rant ended with catching a million years old stellar load in the eye. I’m an imperceptible blip to this thing. I don’t exist long enough to qualify as a phantom, yet I’m at the right place and time, in the history of the universe, to murder the little fucker with my gaze.The point is, people like to tell me, ‘Gary, you can’t fight it. This thing is ancient.’ I slaughter innumerable ancient things just by opening my eyes. And you can open your eyes too. Just write to:

Send a $5 check or money order in a SASE to:

Gary’s Used Eclipse Glasses

? Kenbro Inc.

777 Mathers Court

Pueblo, CO. 81001

An assault on Interpol HQ in Lyon should be easy enough. Interpol is good at the cloak and dagger, but stand up fights? They contracted out those out to Oberon. After littering the field of battle with his dead, he’s no longer a factor. Is there a mysterious force in the universe that influences probability in favor of those that possess it? Unlikely, but it helps to believe in irrational things from time to time. Like rabbit's feet, or, new from Kenbro; Fae Teeth.

Send a $5 check or money order in a SASE to:

Gary’s Loose Fae Teeth/Ears/Toes (please specify)

? Kenbro Inc.

777 Mathers Court

Pueblo, CO. 81001

The Goetics aren’t interested right now because they don’t think I’ll get very far. But once Interpol is out of the way, the whole can gets cracked open. Even Debbie Downer Dantalion will be coming to Ol' Gary for help. It’s times like those you want to celebrate! If you enjoy them finally eating the crow due them, Kenbro has just the thing:

Send a $5 check or money order in a SASE to:

Gary’s Savage Air Guitar Mixtape

? Kenbro Inc.

777 Mathers Court

Pueblo, CO. 81001

8-26-17 You’ve Got To Pick A Pocket Or Two

Byline: Stephanie Morgan

Dateline: August 26th, 2017

Heya, SEG-ers, my kobolds make shoes. They’re really nice shoes, but they’ve made so many goddamn shoes I don’t know what to do with them. So if you’re interested, they're priced to go.

Send a $5 check or money order in a SASE to:

Stephanie’s Surplus Kobold Shoes

? Kenbro Inc.

777 Mathers Court

Pueblo, CO. 81001

This is authentic kobold craftsmanship. Craftskoboldship. They come in all styles; cute pumps, sneakers, flip-flops, ones with curly toes, we have plenty of those, the weird wooden ones from the Netherlands. If you’re interested in a particular style, don’t wait! Stock is limited and the kobolds go through phases, so availability varies. Full disclosure, they’re made out of fae hide, so vegans and veggies, be forewarned.

SEG-ers, tomorrow we leave to go do something that is probably stupid as hell, but needs to be done. Even with Oberon broken and humbled, an attack on Interpol (however easy) won’t be a walk in the park. I’m not going to bullshit you, I’m nervous. Really nervous. But I can’t show it or then Nathan will start getting really obsequious and thinking it’s something he’s done, but forget talking him off that ledge... So, you may be asking yourself, ‘How does she keep so cool?’ Well, SEG-ers, let Kenbro take that edge off.

Send a $5 check or money order in a SASE to:

Stephanie’s Canadian Xanax

? Kenbro Inc.

777 Mathers Court

Pueblo, CO. 81001