Joined Dec 2018 Brazil
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It's 2 am and I can't sleep because my thoughts keep going to memories I don't want to recall. Sometimes I can block them, I can think about something else, but now, it was stronger than me.
I remember last year, I was taking care of my nephew (10 yo) because my sister in law need stay for a week hospitalized for a C-Section procedure (it's very common in my country, around 80% of all births are done by C-Sections, they said because natural birth is an outdated thing, but the truth it's because it's very convenient for the doctor and more profitable too, anyway...). So I was taking care of him, cooking, help with homework, those things.
One time, during our lunch he asks me "Aunt, why do you eat so much?" and I just replied how I was bigger than him, so I would eat more than him, and he asks about other things and we keep chatting for a while.
Today, that piece of memory back to me and I realize the true answer was "Because it was the first form of self-love I learned"
My mother never wanted me, eight years before I was born, she underwent tubal ligation surgery, but it was poorly done and she got pregnant again, during a period when the inflation was around 80% a month. And my father's salary was close to the minimum wage (to keep a house with a wife and three kids).
Her life wasn't gone as she wanted, her sisters had a good marriage (financially speaking), she lived in the countryside, and my father was from the capital. They sold to her half-trues about my father, they said he was an owner of a mechanical workshop in the capital. That was true, but his workshop was a very small business located on the poor side of the city, and goes bankrupt a few years later.
So she trow over me all her frustrations, anger, and bitterness, she never accepted or love me. I never felt loved by her or by my father or by my brothers.
Eat was the closest thing to love that I knew until my young adulthood.
I remember last year, I was taking care of my nephew (10 yo) because my sister in law need stay for a week hospitalized for a C-Section procedure (it's very common in my country, around 80% of all births are done by C-Sections, they said because natural birth is an outdated thing, but the truth it's because it's very convenient for the doctor and more profitable too, anyway...). So I was taking care of him, cooking, help with homework, those things.
One time, during our lunch he asks me "Aunt, why do you eat so much?" and I just replied how I was bigger than him, so I would eat more than him, and he asks about other things and we keep chatting for a while.
Today, that piece of memory back to me and I realize the true answer was "Because it was the first form of self-love I learned"
My mother never wanted me, eight years before I was born, she underwent tubal ligation surgery, but it was poorly done and she got pregnant again, during a period when the inflation was around 80% a month. And my father's salary was close to the minimum wage (to keep a house with a wife and three kids).
Her life wasn't gone as she wanted, her sisters had a good marriage (financially speaking), she lived in the countryside, and my father was from the capital. They sold to her half-trues about my father, they said he was an owner of a mechanical workshop in the capital. That was true, but his workshop was a very small business located on the poor side of the city, and goes bankrupt a few years later.
So she trow over me all her frustrations, anger, and bitterness, she never accepted or love me. I never felt loved by her or by my father or by my brothers.
Eat was the closest thing to love that I knew until my young adulthood.
November 2018: I was very excited because I translated a ukagaka from English to my mother language just for fun and I found this work very meaningful, It gives me hope to do a step forward, I felt like I could do something useful.
So I inscribed in a technical college e manage to be approved for Analysis and Systems Development (3 years).
I was very hopeful at the beginning of the first year (2019). I really thought that I could finish the course, get a job and I don't know, have a bright future?
But then I was robbed, lost my notebook, lost my code notes, and a lot of things because of a bug in the cloud's synchronization. I didn't realize that wasn't synchronized until I tried to recover my notes.
2020: I tried my best to shake off the bad feelings, a great friend lends me her older notebook (what I'm using until now). I applied for a monitor job in college, planned to do the internship in the second semester, everything seems to be falling into the right place. So the pandemic.
I worked for a week then the monitor system was canceled due to the pandemic, and I didn't get paid.
In October my cat got sick, renal insufficiency, I spend every money I had on vet bills, I even need to borrow money from my brother.
The year ended and I felt that I wasn't able to learn anything. Seems like I stoped learn anything after my notebook being stolen. Somehow I manage to be approved in all my subjects.
2021: My cat died at 1:28 am, January 18. He gave a very painfully meow, pee on himself, and fall by his side, I touched him and he had a spasm and made a loud sound (like a bubble bursting) and gone.
Now I have no cat, no money, no job, and no hope to finish college or get an internship or a good future. I just want to die.
So I inscribed in a technical college e manage to be approved for Analysis and Systems Development (3 years).
I was very hopeful at the beginning of the first year (2019). I really thought that I could finish the course, get a job and I don't know, have a bright future?
But then I was robbed, lost my notebook, lost my code notes, and a lot of things because of a bug in the cloud's synchronization. I didn't realize that wasn't synchronized until I tried to recover my notes.
2020: I tried my best to shake off the bad feelings, a great friend lends me her older notebook (what I'm using until now). I applied for a monitor job in college, planned to do the internship in the second semester, everything seems to be falling into the right place. So the pandemic.
I worked for a week then the monitor system was canceled due to the pandemic, and I didn't get paid.
In October my cat got sick, renal insufficiency, I spend every money I had on vet bills, I even need to borrow money from my brother.
The year ended and I felt that I wasn't able to learn anything. Seems like I stoped learn anything after my notebook being stolen. Somehow I manage to be approved in all my subjects.
2021: My cat died at 1:28 am, January 18. He gave a very painfully meow, pee on himself, and fall by his side, I touched him and he had a spasm and made a loud sound (like a bubble bursting) and gone.
Now I have no cat, no money, no job, and no hope to finish college or get an internship or a good future. I just want to die.
November 14, 2019: I was coming back home from college, it was around 23:30h. Two guys beat me and stole my backpack with my notebook inside. I took 6 stitches in my forehead and some scratches in my knee and elbow.
During these 8 months, I catch myself searching for some little things just to remember: "Oh, this was in my backpack.". Today I realize that I lost my Deltarune save. It was a little silly thing, but make me really sad.
During these 8 months, I catch myself searching for some little things just to remember: "Oh, this was in my backpack.". Today I realize that I lost my Deltarune save. It was a little silly thing, but make me really sad.
I'm feeling very anxious these days. I start thinking about the future, and what I will have in the future is what I'm making today. And today I'm not working hard as I should. I'm not making any progress. I'm just stuck. I should use this quarantine time to DO something. I should be studying, I should be doing courses with certifications to put in my curriculum... I should be doing SO MANY THINGS... but I'm still here. Stuck on my own depression, doing nothing.
My mother loved butterflies, she used to fill the garden with flowers to attract them, by other hand, she hated the caterpillars and killed all as soon she founded them.
Sometimes I catch myself thinking about what kind of life I would have if I wasn't an unwanted child.
So, I was on Tumblr and saw a sad post, about Steven Universe.
It was a short scene were Yellow Diamond, came to take Steven out from the cell, six months after.
Connie was pink.
I felt really touched by this idea. And I wanted to reblog with a sad gif.
When I write 'sad' in the search box of gifs, this message appears... and I felt surprised.
It was a short scene were Yellow Diamond, came to take Steven out from the cell, six months after.
Connie was pink.
I felt really touched by this idea. And I wanted to reblog with a sad gif.
When I write 'sad' in the search box of gifs, this message appears... and I felt surprised.
