For as long as I can remember, I’ve loved effeminate things. Skirts, dresses, bows, things I was never allowed to have. About a month ago, I found myself looking in my dresser mirror putting on makeup from my sister's purse. Why was it then that I felt I could forgive myself for this inclination?

I wanted my first time out cross-dressing to be fun and memorable. But there was still that underline dread of potentially running into someone I knew. Searching desperately for an exit in that situation was off the table, so I’d been to Keiko’s Cosmetics three times before, to memorize the layout. In the perfume section; a bottle of “Mattie’s End Mist” caught my eye, despite the numerous bad reviews I’d read online.

I took a moment to admire my reflection in the glass bottle. I wore a blonde wig covering my medium-length black hair. My blue flannel wool scarf complemented my sister’s old school uniform blazer. A dark blue button-up sweatshirt over a thin light gray sweater. I’d also taken a pair of her old “reading” glasses. Just in case. She only wore them because they looked cute anyway.

“Ah! Ma-chan look how cute!” the energetic words of what seemed to be a girl around my same age, walking down the aisle.

My heart began to beat faster. There's lots of people here, and two people shouldn’t be a big deal. I try to calm myself down, there’s no reason for them to make any second looks. Soon enough they get closer and closer, slowly making their way down to the perfumes on the shelf behind me. I began doubting myself as my palms started to sweat. My heart beating faster with every step down the aisle. I knew this was a bad idea, I should’ve never came here in the first place. I’d planned this for so long, yet I felt so unprepared. Breathe, I told myself, everything's fine, they’ll get bored and go to some other section and you can get out of here. Fidgeting, I pulled my scarf up, just need to be unremarkable. No glances in their direction, no loud sounds, no talking.

“This one too Ma-chan!” the girl said.

“What did I tell you about calling me Ma-chan?” the boy responded.

Ma-chan… my heart skipped a beat. His voice was deep, full-toned and powerful, I’d heard it before. Even before it was deep, and even when it was brittle, I’d known that voice since elementary school. A voice that sat in the middle of the room in every class I’d had him. A voice I’d become accustomed to when walking in and out of the classroom, while never consciously acknowledging it. A voice, referred to by a last name “Ma-chan” on the playground. A voice whose first name, was Inui.

Knowing him worsened my situation, I was never the biggest fan of Inui. He was loud, seemed like he had enough friends to be considered popular, mooched off other people, and never did his work on time. My frightened stature soon replaced with anger. But still, my heart kept pace. Why was he even here anyway? This store is miles out of the way. I pulled my scarf to the bridge of my nose. They were closer than ever, and all attempts at lowering my heart rate were a bust. Just don’t acknowledge they’re there. Get your mind off it. Besides, I knew this store front to back, if anything goes wrong I could turn the corner and be gone down the escalator in a flash.

With my new-found confidence, persistence more like, I glance back to the products lining the shelves. The strawberry scents are popular with the girls at my school lately, but I’m pretty sure they’re on their way out. Fruit scents have been a staple for a while, and predicting the next scent would be hard, but my sister would be thankful I did. I put back the Mattie’s End Mist and picked up the “Palm” scent to the left of it. Just as I began to settle down, I noticed something that made my stomach turn. They’re whispering. I still hadn’t as much looked in their direction, but maybe he’d known my body as I’d known his voice. Hurry, I need another distraction. I decided to test the perfume. I slowly pressed down the top, collecting a small pool of liquid on my wrist, bringing it to my nose to smell. All seemed alright again, the smell seeming to wipe away my fears, bringing me to an almost picturesque seaside in which the Palm trees bloomed. But It was only a matter of time before I was quickly drawn back to their whispering.

“I think I know her, it’s so weird, she looks so familiar for some reason”

“I’m sure It’s just a coincidence”

“I kinda wanna ask.”

“Oh my god, Inui please don’t, that’s so embarrassing”

Silence.

I could feel their attention grow stronger, seconds felt like hours and the universe seemed to implode in on itself. This is it. I smelled the perfume once again, in a last-ditch effort to stay calm, and repress the tears that had begun to puddle in my eyes. Quickly, in one motion, I put back the perfume and began walking to the corner of the aisle. But before I could escape, as I began to turn the corner, I felt his hand on my shoulder. I turned around and swiped it off me. He took his hand back and placed it behind his head.

“S-sorry, I wasn’t thinking…” he said. I looked to the ground.

“I just wanted to ask if we’d met before, I feel like I know you from somewhere?” I made eye-contact.

His face lit up, his brows furrowed, and he looked down at me. He stuck out his jaw as his cheeks flushed red. He’d probably felt weird for stopping me without a complete thought. Looking him dead in the eyes with a cold stare was my way of telling him to back off, but I think he’d finally caught on.

“Tobari?”

“ah… umm…” what was there left to say? I was caught. And it was my fault for being arrogant.

Not by just anyone either, but someone from my school. From my class no less. Someone who’d seen me in the background his whole life, who’d finally come center stage in a dramatic turn of events. The tears I tried to suppress cascaded down my cheeks. I took a step back.

“What’s with the fake glasses?”

I turned around and ran without an answer.

It took me twenty minutes to get home, and my lungs burned. I threw off my blond wig and scarf, holding them in my hands in front of me. Our school was small, and that girl didn’t wear our uniform. Maybe the rumors would only spread in her school? That's given that Inui wouldn't talk, and that was unlikely. Sure, he’d known my face, but he’d never known me, maybe he would respect that and not say anything? It was wishful thinking. I picked myself up and laid on my bed. Still catching my breath, the tears had left my eyes bloodshot. I guess I should get myself cleaned up. I should’ve spent more time planning before I went out like that.

This morning, I was late for class. Nine-thirty a.m., half a period to lunch, and I was walking into what looked like a deserted campus. Maybe I could just stay in the bathroom all day? After getting a late slip from the office, I walked up the first set of stairs, and turned into the second classroom on the left. Everyone was already working, partnered up in their usual friend groups when left to work on projects. I gave my slip to the teacher and took a seat at my desk, where my friends Akira and Hiroaki had already conjugated for the assignment. from the other side of class, I notice Inui greeting me with a small wave. I wave back, pretending to act oblivious.

Class went as usual for the next forty minutes, I got most of the assigned paper done and decided to do the rest at my desk during lunch. Maybe this could just be a normal day? I was hoping he’d just move on, throw it behind him. But over the work period, Inui became more visually impatient as time went on, and I began to feel a lingering dread.

But just as the bell rang, and Akira and Hiroaki had gone to the lunch room, Inui was in front of me with both hands on my desk. I looked up to him as my heart began to beat out of my chest. Calm down. Just go with it. You can’t dodge this.

“You got a minute?”

He walked me by the wall of windows in the hallway next to our class. There, he simply stared at me, while I desperately avoided eye contact.

“I knew it! That was you on Sunday, wasn’t it!” He grinned.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about? I was h-home all day watching TV.” I stuttered. I’d always been bad at lying.

He didn’t respond, a flush creeping up my neck at the knowing silence. Inui reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone, opening something before turning his phone around to show me, I looked up to it out of curiosity. Before I knew it, my heart stopped. There on the screen stood a boy who’d left the house in his sister’s old uniform. A boy who was just almost unrecognizable. A boy who’d only been looking forward to smelling perfumes at a small shop part-way out of town. A boy who was confused. A boy who was scared. I was that boy, but why did I feel like I wanted to punch him. My heart beat at the pace of pray, dangerously close to being caught.

“Delete that!” I yelled. I grabbed for his phone, but he swiped it back into his pocket.

“So why were you in drag? Cracking under pressure? Or is it just your thing?”

“It’s not like that!” I looked to the floor, pure rage almost deafening my logical reasoning. I wanted to hurt him. Bad.

Inui looked down at me and grinned.

“Aw, isn’t that a cute look you got there.”

“I…” his eyes towered over me. “I will fucking kill you if you tell anyone. I can’t be known for this. My life will rip apart at the seams if this were to get out”

“I understand that-” He said. “and for the most part my lips are sealed” What was that supposed to mean? “Anyway, what I really wanna know is why you do it? Like, you were even dressed in a girl’s uniform? Like seriously, where did you even get that?”

“What, does that matter?” I turned away. “Stuff like that… trannies… it’s gross. They’re gross. Why even bother.” I said. Inui looked confused.

“Don’t tell me you bought that stuff at a kink store?” He blushed, covering his mouth with his hand as if to stop from laughing.

“They’re my sisters.”

I handle anymore of this, turning away as I felt tears starting to well up in my eyes. “Whatever, if you’re not gonna tell, then just leave me alone already!” I said, as I started walking away down the hall.

“Oi -” Inui called after me. I stop. “Are you gay? or do you wanna be a girl?”

“Neither.” I answer, starting to walk again.

That night, I couldn’t sleep. I sat back against the wall, hugging my pillow. The scene from lunch repeating in my head over and over. His questions near the end felt more genuine upon review. But why ask questions with such obvious answers? I felt that same lingering dread, knowing this is far from over.

Megumi shook me awake the next morning. I’d always had a habit of snoozing my alarms until it was too late and missing school whenever mom was on a business trip and wasn’t there to wake me up. Getting ready in the morning took longer than usual, I didn’t fall asleep until late last night, and I didn’t wanna leave the house when I was all packed up. I was still groggy from the lack of sleep, and I felt a short of heaviness from what happened yesterday at lunch. I didn’t want to have to face him at school, but I couldn’t just skip. I’d already missed too many days, and Megumi left the house later than me. I would get beat if I intentionally skipped school again. So, begrudgingly, at 6:40 a.m. I started my playlist, and left the house to catch the metro to school.

I got on the bus, purposely only inserting a dollar of the three-dollar fare, knowing the drivers always let you on anyway. I wanted to save every penny of the money mom left me for the week, for when I wanted to do some online shopping. It was nine stops until I was at school, and as each stop passed, I began to wake up more, starting to calm down to the sound of my music.

Five stops in and I was back to wishful thinking. Maybe he’d recognize the pain it caused me and just forget about it? For as long as I’d known Inui, I guess I never knew enough about him to be able to rule that completely out of the question, I mean, judging by how he asked those questions, maybe he wasn’t as airheaded as I’d always thought? I was sinking back into my music when everything seemed to stop in place.

“Sorry, I only got a dollar is that ok?”

My heart accelerated at an alarming rate. I turned my music all the way up and closed my eyes. When did he start taking this bus? It’s ok, calm down, he probably won’t even notice you. You’re on a beach, collecting seashells and watching the beautiful blue tide come in, as your future kids run alongside the water. I started to relax. Okay, everything’s fine. I opened my eyes to see Inui sit down next to me.

“Mornin’ Tobari.” He said.

“what do you want.” I shot at him.

“Hey calm down, I don’t want to be your enemy.”

“Why should I trust you”

“I mean, I haven’t told anyone yet” Yet? I guess he had a point. “I didn’t know you took this bus?”

“My mom usually drives me, but she’s on another business trip.”

“Does she have those often?”

“Yeah, but I’ve never seen you on here before."

“Oh, I just spent the night at a friend’s house.”

“Really? on a Monday?”

“yeah, our parents are close, so they don’t care. They trust us to go to school”

If they are trusted to go to school, then where is his friend? I’m hit with a sudden recollection. The girl at Keiko’s Cosmetics didn’t wear our school uniform, he must’ve spent the night at her house? She must be his girlfriend.

“Hey listen,” he said. “So about Yesterday, I’ve been thinking about it a lot.”

“Yeah?”

“I was wondering if maybe you wanted to like, get coffee or something and like talk about it.” He said. I blush and my heart beats faster.

“Why would I say yes to that?” I was stubborn.

Inui looked down for a second, seemingly questioning his next words.

“It would really suck if that picture of you happened to somehow get out on the internet wouldn’t it.”

“A-… Are you blackmailing me?” I couldn’t believe the words coming out of his mouth.

“I prefer to think of it as, motivating you to say yes. Anyway, you’re free on Saturday, right?”

“But...” What was there left to say? I was caught in the jaws of my hunter. “Yeah… I’m free on Saturday.”

“awesome!” his face lit up as if I’d agreed to go without being forced. “How about Keiko’s Cosmetics, at three o’clock. The one we were at last time.”

Soon enough we got to school. I split off to go to the restroom while he went to class. I made eye-contact with myself in the mirror. What the fuck.