The same old feeling of laying down in bed, thinking about everything that once happened, but yet as I grow older, the more and more I have to realise that life really isn't any game. I have to accept the fact that life just keeps moving no matter how rough things would get. No matter how much I'd hate my circumstances, I just have no choice but to keep going. It's tiring, sometimes it makes me question what my purpose really is in this world.
One moment, I yearn for the feeling of someone's touch,
then the other moment, I always feel like my emotions are on a rush,
it's always all so overwhelming. I question what i'm doing wrong to feel this way,
but no matter what, I will always feel lost every single day.
My life is really simple. I'm your typical teenager, often an introverted guy in this generation that recently started University at such an early age, and lives far away from everyone. I'm trying to figure things out, seeing where life takes me in a household where I barely speak.
I open my heavy eyes, and it was time to get up from bed and start my morning. Nothing too special, just brushing my teeth, going downstairs for breakfast, and seeing what today has instore for me. So simple but yet so silent. Not a single word spoken, but my mind yells for something more to happen.
It's almost like watching that same episode of a TV show over and over again without moving forward to the next episode. At first it all seems so entertaining and peaceful, but eventually it all gets tiring, repetitive, boring, and you'd want to know what would happen next beyond that episode, but you don't. For some people, that one episode is their entire series. For some people, having just one episode is something they can't even avoid.
After every tear I shed, I searched, and searched for a purpose hoping I'd find atleast something.
Literally anything that can feel my significance and feel like my heart can freely sing.
Sing for joy, sing for love and sing for peace.
I wanted my life to change, to finally feel that life changing release.
People say, that in order to love others, you have to love yourself first. And honestly I agree. As I rode the train on my way to the campus I realised that all my life I've been missing self love. I always tried to find my worth through others instead of trying to figure out why I really exist in this cruel world.
I took a step out of the train with hundreds of people all around me on their way to school, work, meeting up with their families, going out, and everything in between. They all had different plans, us humans all experience different things every single day, and the rest of what's next will always be an unspoken mystery.
Our math class was about to start and a random thought crossed my mind that I wanted to put myself out there more. Well, I dont know if that makes any sense, but I want to meet new people, post my passion of art and poetry to show the world what I've been getting into. I wrote formulas down my notebook, and answered every question right, but yet my mind was in the world of going beyond my comfort zone. I was always someone who was so passive and dead silent. I barely ever showed my hidden side of being loud, adventurous, and not really caring about the hilarious things I say without getting judged. Maybe this is my chance. Maybe this is my chance to experience a shift in this dry, and stale daily life of mine.
I then wrote,
"When life holds you by your throat, we all tend to beg for mercy.
When we're gifted the chance to love-
and the chance to share, we beg for that moment to last for eternity.
Against all the phases of the moon, against the ages of the cosmic suns,
we are all futile
all loss - all hope leads to one's precious smile."
I looked back at my writing with a pen that's almost out of ink. With that one stanza, I asked my friends what they felt about it. They loved it, every part of it. I got excited, really excited. I couldn't wait to go home and find ways on how I can share my obsession for writing. For once, I suddenly found a reason to be so excited with something new. Out of nowhere, this sudden spark lit up my entire world.
I didn't realise at the time that writing poems is what would lead to my path of meeting what I always asked for. Weeks from now, I never thought that writing and showing it to the world is what would make me meet the girl who would change my entire life. It wouldn't just be a spark that would light up the entire world, but a spark strong enough to light up the entire universe we're in.
The world will always surprise us with what it has to give,
either moments of tears, or moments that people would always want to relive.
One day I'd be talking to that one friend in art class,
but suddenly I'd imagine myself with my lover sitting down on soft grass.
Life is about to change, and there is so much more on it's way. I just don't see it yet.
A few hours have passed by and another day was about to end. I was comfy in my bed ready to have a long sleep since it's Saturday tomorrow. Usually, I play music in the background just so that my mind wouldn't start overthinking about the most random things. Something about music allows my body to just feel so relaxed, but there are days where I feel like I just want to sleep in pure silence with the streetlight out my window barely emitting light into my dim bedroom. and I think tonight was one of those nights.
Hopefully, tomorrow has something new and different instore for me. The possibilties in this world will always be so endless.
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