In the beginning there was nothing, nothing save two realms. Somewhere, and Nowhere. Nowhere was a pitch-black void of nothingness. No air, no land, no sea.

And somewhere in the middle of Nowhere sat floating, a person. Well, less of a person and more of a naked-bones humanoid wrapped snugly in a flowing black robe.

The robes hood hung over his head, a flawless, shining white skull with teeth bent into a permanent sarcastic smile. A flowing black cloak rippled behind him despite no breeze to unsettle it. To him and to all who hear of him, he is Danae, God of Death.

Through empty eye sockets Danae stared emotionless into the void. His thin, pointy-tipped fingers sat curled in his lap. On his back, seemingly attached by nothing, was a long staff with a curved blade at the top, a weapon made entirely of bone.

The god sat there for an indeterminable amount of time, considering that time hadn't been created yet. Never moving, just staring into the lonely abyss. But Danae was not particularly lonely, he hadn't experienced company to the point that he could miss it. If anything he was bored. It wasn't that he didn't like Nowhere, he thought it was a great place to spend eternity. But it could use a little more... more people, to laugh at his truly amazing jokes. After all he had had all of quasi-existence to think of them.

In a sudden fluid movement he reached into his right sleeve and removed from it a small yellow book. Written along an orange strip along the cover in yellow cursive read: “Meú et Evesair con 'Newbies'”.

This of course, if you could understand the pre-temporal language, translated to: “How to make a Universe for 'Newbies'”.

Danae opened the book and turned to the first page. Once again he remained motionless, reading but never turning a page. Any being who may have been watching him probably felt an aura of confusion emanating from him.

He looked up and spoke in a calm, soothing voice unfitting of his grim appearance.

“Grenade.”

-

Meanwhile, nowhere particular in Somewhere, were sitting the only other two obvious entities currently in existence.

Somewhere was a bright white plain where, unlike Nowhere, there was a floor. Though what exactly it was made of was impossible to fathom, it was just there. In this plain of white were two small, dark mahogany chairs facing each other, another curious anomaly that remained unexplained by even the best of religious historians. On these chairs, sat two deities.

On one was a magnificent being bearing a great muscular suit of silver plate armour with beautiful golden accents. The closed helm gave no tell of the nature of the entity beneath, a pair of luminescent green irises were barely visible through the metal grating. Off the back of the helm fell a wavy, blonde fake ponytail. His gauntlets were adorned with transparent orbs, containing a captivating golden essence.

The sheer awesomeness of the being was enough to leave anyone speechless, though unbeknownst to those observers the god had an astoundingly large ego combined with an impish attitude that made him seem just innocent enough to forgive these traits. He was, and is, the God of Warriors, known as Farjack. And Farjack sat, still as a statue with his left leg hung lazily off the chair as his right leg crossed over it, an elbow resting on his thigh to hold his chin in his palm.

Across from Farjack sat – in a much more polite and comfortable manner – the Goddess of Duality, Zade. Zade had a humanoid body, but her appearance was far from that of most humanoids. Her body was pitch black and blinding white, split perfectly down the middle in a vertical line. Her 'skin' was flat and featureless except for two yellow diamonds for eyes. Everything about her pose and body language spoke royalty, sat proud and prideful.

The two sat looking directly at each other, until finally Zade broke the silence in a soft voice that seemed to echo off of nothing.

“This staring contest has been going on for a few millennia now and I am bored, can we please stop this?” The bottom half of her face moved as if a mouth should be there, an unnecessary habit she had developed over the eons.

“Fine, we can finish...” replied Farjack with a deep, strong, but jolly voice that could almost shake the ground around them.

Zade's face began to move as if she was smiling.

“...but first, blink,” he finished.

Zade sighed. “I am incapable of blinking, you will have to give up eventu-”

She was interrupted by a deafening sound that rang through Somewhere from above, where a small black spot was just now visible on the white sky. Both gods looked up briefly before returning to their staring lock.

“Not on your life.”

-

The boom still echoed throughout Nowhere. Danae, not exactly having ears, just sat there vibrating until it stopped. In the distance he could now see a white spec on the abyss.

In the opposite direction a similar grey spec appeared, growing slightly larger with each moment. As it grew he began to realize it was a sphere, floating casually towards him at a slow pace relative to two-hundred miles per second.

The, now panicking, God of Death tried to float out of its path by flailing his limbs to no avail.

“What did I do to deserve this?” he asked himself, accepting the inevitability of the situation. “I mean sure, I AM death. But I haven't actually killed anyone...” he paused briefly. “Yet.”

If you have ever been hit by a speeding car and propelled faster than should be physically possible whilst the car continues to press harder against you, then it need not be explained what Danae felt in this moment. If you however have not experienced this, I recommend either spending your life trying to break several laws of physics, or alternatively just ask those who have.

This feeling just hit Danae flat in the chest cavity. But he did not move. Instead the small object spontaneously combusted with the strength of a thousand dying stars.

-

Something landed next to Farjack with a quiet thump. Careful not to avert his gaze, he picked it up. It appeared to be a yellow book of some kind. Farjack was not one to read but he opened it anyway, out of boredom. He was relieved to find that the book had only one thick page, with one word printed on it in comic sans.

“Grenade?”

“Oh gods...” said Zade.

Farjack followed her gaze upwards to what used to be a black dot, and was now rapidly approaching blue fire. The two were drenched in energy and heat.

When the light finally faded, Somewhere and Nowhere were no more.