Lilith opened her eyes to see a woman in her bed. The distance between them felt substantial, a gap of cold, grey wrinkled sheets. She could only see the back of her head, the way her unruly curls stood in every direction, the way the lines on her back curved in. Lilith took in the aesthetic sight, admiring how the reflection of rain encompassed her view of the room. She turned over to grab her phone off the nightstand. Reaching her hand out she felt an arm slip over her side, wrapping around her body, another one came from under. She turned her head slightly to see the woman, Miya, smiling at her. Miya looked up at her expectantly through her long eyelashes. Something in Lilith felt… off about the position she was in.
She shifted out of Miya’s hold, grabbing her phone and sitting up against the headboard. “Busy,” Lilith mumurred in response to the pitiful frown Miya put on, except Lilith wasn’t in a sympathetic mood. After checking her emails and messages Lilith began to get ready, raising from the bed to put on her shirt that laid on the floor, and some underwear.
“What’s wrong?” Miya asked, looking slightly worried.
Lilith sighed internally, “Rain, don’t want to be late…” She stared at Miya blankly, waiting for her to nod before moving to the bathroom to shower.
They lived together in a minimalist apartment in New York, expensive and bland as ever. Something about the empty white space was appealing to Lilith however. When Lilith was 24 and Miya 23 they decided to move into an apartment together. Jumping between Lilith’s shabby Brooklyn apartment and Miya's cheap off-campus housing was not an optimal scenario for either of them. Miya, being the energetic one of the two, had brought up the idea first.
“I think we should move in together,” she said, holding Liliths hands tightly across the small coffee shop table. Miya had been working on assignments while Lilith was sending out emails.
Lilith had stared at her a minute, peering through her nervous smile searching for something else. After two minutes she noticed Miya tense up, slowly pulling her hand back.
“I-sorry,” She’d stuttered out, “I thought that-well-”
“Okay,” Lilith responded, turning her head to watch Miya’s reaction intently. Her hair had fallen into her face from the tilt before she could see anything.
Now it had been nearly two years of them living together, past 4 years of them dating, and almost 6 knowing one another. It wasn’t that Lilith was specifically bored or tired of Miya, she thought as she stepped out of the warmth of the shower, her body reverting back to its natural cool. Lilith was simply overdone with the prospect of her life. She didn’t feel depressed, no overwhelming sadness that crippiled her life. Her life was honestly, perfectly fine. Good, some may say. She was in a long term relationship, worked a mid-tier position at a decent company, and lived in this expensive minimalist apartment.
Lilith began blowing drying her hair straight once Miya entered the bathroom. She was half awake and barely dressed, leaning up against the doorframe with a cup of coffee in her hand. Lilith cast a side look at her, examining her body language. What emotions were influencing her each and every move. Like how she had just shifted the mug an inch closing to her body, searching for protection while feeling vulnerable under Liliths stare. It only made her want to stare for longer, but she knew Miya would become upset.
“Sorry,” She said as she stared only at herself in the mirror.
“What?” Miya asked, moving in a little to hear her. Turning off the blow dryer, Lilith focused her attention on Miya.
“I said,” She sighed, “Sorry for being rough around the edges this morning… work has been stressful lately.” It was a lie that Lilith didn’t mind reusing.
Miya looked slightly unsatisfied, she sidled up to Lilith, wrapping her into a hug from behind. This time Lilith let the warmth of Miya’s body press against hers.
“I have to leave soon,” Lilith said when the hugging became prolonged, Miya frowned at her in the mirror.
“You say that every morning,” Miya pouted.
“Wake up earlier than,” Lilith countered.
“I wake up the same time you do,” Miya provoked, “maybe I should just take your morning shower with you.”
“It would take too much time,” Lilith said practically.
“Whatever,” Miya mumbled as she planted a soft kiss on Liliths lips before backing off, “I made you coffee and I may or may not be done with breakfast before you leave.”
“Mhm,” Lilith mumbled as she turned back on the hair dryer and finished getting ready.
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Phone calls rang in Liliths ear, alongside the meticulous click of 20 keyboards. The harsh white light in the office pierced Lilith's eyes whenever she glanced up from her computer screen. Normally she would take no qualms with these small irritants in her life. Today for some reason she was on edge. Maybe it was the Ladies of the office talking over the cubicles earlier, pretending to care about what was going on in one another's life as an opportunity to boast about their own. Maybe it was the way they tried to indict her into the conversation, asking about how her love life is going or what she does after work hours. Lilith always turned them down the same way, “Not much” and “I respond to emails”. By now they understood she was a reserved person, but that only made the prospect of finding something out about her even more enticing.
Today however, they decided persistence was key.
“Lilith dear, there's gotta be someone in your life right?” Sherly, a middle aged secretary on their floor, inquired.
“That’s what I’m saying,” Carolynn, a mom of two that loves mentioning she's a mom of two, piped in, “You’re what 26? Lord when I was 26 the thought of settling down was a nightmare, but that didn’t mean I was single.”
The other women gathered around them let out chuckles chirping out short agreements “yep”, “right!”, most definitely”.
Lilith peered up at Sherly who was perched on the edge of her cubicle, right over her computer screen. “I’m too busy for anything right now, I’m sure you all would understand if you were also doing your work properly instead of gathering outside of my cubicle to pester an unimportant response from me nearly everyday.” Lilith huffed a sigh as she turned back to her computer, she tried to focus back in on her work but she couldn’t help stealing a glance at the now silent group.
Some of them had an expression of disdain, to which Lilith felt nothing but disgust for their superficial emotions. But some of them looked… a little hurt, as if her comment had genuinely made them a little sad. Something inside her felt a nip of satisfaction for bringing out something beyond their feigned smiles and planned laughter.
Lilith worked for the rest of the day in peace, finishing her tasks early and leaving around lunch. She walked through the streets of New York with her umbrella over her head. Rain slid off the edges, Lilith raised her unoccupied hand to feel the thick droplets that fell. She stared at her hand a minute, watching how the rain pounded against it, fully enveloping it with water in a minute.
She shook herself back into focus, retreating her hand under the umbrella and attempting to dry it on her navy slacks. The city looked fairly bland on rainy days, each and every aspect that is meant to be bright and screaming in your face is muddled together by the blurring rain. Billboards lacked their usual luster, the normally silver skyscrapers became a cloudy grey, and the people that walked the street hid behind their umbrellas and raincoats.
Lilith sped up as she neared her apartment, not sure that the titanium white walls and the black and white marbled linoleum would quell her desire for interest. She entered the clear doors, putting her umbrella down and wrapping it up as she walked towards the elevators, heels clicking against the tiled floor. She pressed the button and waited a moment, entered the elevator once it docked, and pressed the button for floor 14.
As the elevator ascended she couldn’t help but wonder what Miya would be doing. If her face went into a quizzical crumple as she tried to interpret an odd freelance request, if she had watched a movie to calm down and have a laugh, a typical romcom was her go to. She wondered if she had gotten another bad review today, if her normally joyous face would wrinkle in at her eyebrows, if her cheeks would become a bright pink as she tried to hold back the tears. If the tears would spill down her face, if Lilith would come home around that time, if she would hold Miya's face in one hand, stroking the other through her hair. ‘Shh’, she would say, ‘It’s okay’, she would console.
Lilith hadn't noticed the open elevator doors. She forcibly removed herself from her imagination and headed to her front door, sliding her key into the familiar lock and turning it open.
To her surprise Miya was standing at the doorway with a rose in her hand and a dress to match. Her hair was styled to the side, curls in tiny, lush, and uniformed spirals. Her lips were stained red, matching the thin rose that for some reason had been dethroned. Lilith looked past her to see the dinner table set, plates of pasta sat across from one another with wine glasses to their sides and a candle burning in between.
A blank look of shock was all she could provide for a moment, unsure of how to react or feel. She knew she should smile, envelop Miya in a hug and tell her this was what she needed, play along with the lunch/dinner date.
Except something deep inside her yearned to reject this, no begged for her to reject this-this cheesy display of affection. There was some kind of unspoken discontent between the two of them so Miya decides to attempt this superficial act of caring, that was supposed to make her feel happy? Was this what she’d complied with for so long? Is the resentment that burnt through her chest a representation of the build up of superficial layers to their relationship?
“Lilith, you’re scaring me…” Lilith snapped back to see Miya holding her empty hand with both of hers, she looked up to see the tears that barely sat still in Miya’s water line. In the mirror past Miya Lilith could see the way her face had settled for a minute, her lip curved upwards in disgust, her eyebrows furrowed in vexation, and her eyes mainly empty except for the pure resentment that stared her back down in the mirror.
Forcibly she softened her face, raising her hand to Miya’s cheek as she had imagined. Miya looked back up at her, gazing through her wet eyelashes. Lilith took a deep breath as she rubbed her thumb over Miya’s cheek, watching her lean into the touch, watching her yearn for more comfort, watching her depend on her comfort.
“You seem so upset with me lately,” She breathed out shakily, “things have been hard and I feel like I’m doing everything wrong.”
“It’s fine,” Lilith reassured, “nothings your fault.”
Miya passed a slightly confused glance, “Then why have you been this way to me? I just don’t understand…” Lilith loved the way her voice quivered with insecurity, she was enamoured by the way Miya looked upset with her but still gazed at her as though she worshipped the ground for which she walked on. Deep down in some rotting part of her she loved the way that no matter how she treated her or how disgusted she seemed with her Miya would appear right back in front of her, saddened with however she thought she was the problem.
It was wrong, she knew enough to understand that. But knowing something is wrong will not stop her from feeling the way she does, and it will not stop the satisfaction she felt in watching Miya cascade down with her tears, right into Liliths palm.
“I’m sorry, I won’t do it again.”
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