I woke up to the sun punching me in the face. My head was pounding so hard it was hard to collect my thoughts. I rolled on my back, and I touched someone. Laying next to me was a gorgeous blonde girl facing me. She had the covers up to her neck, fully snuggled. Her rib cage moved up and down as she slept peacefully. 

If someone told me when I joined a fraternity, it meant I would have a college life of one-night stands and unbearable headaches. If someone had warned me that joining a fraternity meant hooking up with women where we pretended to care about each other, only to meet up during the devil's hours for some cardio. I wouldn’t have signed that dotted line and started paying my dues. Unfortunately, I didn’t have time to question my decision to join frat life right now. There was a more important issue in front of me. Who was this chick in my bed?

As I dressed in yesterday's clothes from the floor, I reached for the water bottle on my dresser. With each sip, I felt my throbbing headache begin to ease. Looking at the floor, her ID was poking out of her jeans, I reached down and pulled the card out. 

Oh, that’s right, this was Sarah, the captain of the swim team on campus. I remember just getting lost in her blueish-gray eyes and she even had a great sense of humor. But it’s a shame we have very different plans for our lives. 

Sarah is a marine biology major, and she loves learning and discussing aquatic life. However, she doesn't just want to work with fish. Sarah wants to be one—a starfish, to be exact. Last night, we’d been drinking in my room at the fraternity house, just talking and goofing around until the conversation got only as intense as two sloshed college students could make it.

“Ever since I was a child, I’ve always wanted to be a starfish. They're so cool they just lie around all day and bask in the sun without a care in the world. Truly, what else could you want out of life?!” Sarah said with a sparkle in her eyes and a smile that held each of her earlobes.

“What about starting a family, doing fulfilling work…” I said, but then Sarah’s smile slowly receded. “On second thought, that stuff doesn’t matter, laying on some beach in warm weather trumps everything,” just like a rubber band, her smile snapped back into place. 

“As a kid I would lie on the ground, spread my arms and legs out wide in a star shape and just lay there staring at the sky. It didn’t matter where it was, whether it was in the living room while mom was vacuuming, on the lawn with bugs crawling over me or in the store while we were waiting for checkout. I've never felt so alive,” Sarah said. Her eyes sparkled with happiness while she chuckled, naming weird and odd place she lived out her fantasy.

“What age did your parents tell you to stop?” I said. 

“They stopped it when I was in middle school. My parents told me I couldn't do it anymore because of a minor incident during a blizzard.” Sarah took a sip of her beer and then continued. “Every time it snowed, I would get dressed in my over-sized snow coat, put on my pink puffy snow boots, then run into the winter wonderland. I never cared for snow angels - my signature move was the snow starfish. I'd stretch my arms and legs wide in the fresh snow, forming a perfect star shape, lost in the peaceful silence of winter for hours. Most of the time, one of my parents would come out after realizing I hadn’t changed spots for a while. They’d pick me up and then bring me inside and wake me up with some hot coco.” 

Sarah took another sip of her beer and then continued, “One night, there was a severe blizzard. Dad told me I couldn't go out to make snow starfishes because it’s too dangerous. But I was rebellious and snuck out, anyway. The snow had really piled on before my parents noticed I was gone, and they were mortified. They searched desperately and looked all over the house, under all the couches, the beds, every crevasse and corner, with no luck. They checked the backyard, the front yard, and even the neighbor’s yards, but they couldn't find me. With no other choice, they called the police. As they were giving the police my profile for an AMBER alert, I walked into the house sneezing from the cold.” 

“Where were you?” 

Sarah giggled. “I was right outside the front door. After causing so much frustration, my parents told me I was no longer allowed to be a starfish. I picked up the habit again when I became an adult, but it's usually when I’m in bed or have like a mental breakdown.” 

“Damn, that sucks. They didn’t even allow you to be a starfish at home?” I said, taking a sip of my beer.

“Nope, but it was probably for the better, though. After they started the ban, I got sick a lot less.” Sarah said, chuckling. “But it will always be my dream to become a starfish. I literally want to fully transform into one. I’ve already sought funding for my research.”

I had every intention of telling her it was impossible for her to become a starfish, and she should just study them instead. But we’d already started kissing, and I couldn’t bring myself to ruin the mood. With that said, I have to give credit where credit is due. Sarah was not kidding. She really becomes a starfish in bed.  

As I checked the messages on my phone, I looked down at Sarah. She was still sleeping peacefully in bed. She must've noticed I got up because she was now spread out in the shape of a star. There’s no way this is my wife. After setting my phone aside, I walked to the trash can. Taking two fingers, I shoved them down my throat. Forcing myself to puke.

Sarah shot up from where she was laying, now sitting up on the bed, there was a mixture of sleep and confusion across her face. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you.” I said, wiping my mouth. I must've shoved my fingers too hard down my throat cause I could feel tears forming in my eyes. 

“Are you okay, Ron?” Sarah said, rubbing the sleep from her eyes.

“No, I think all your research and experimentation is working. You're becoming a starfish. But metamorphosis is occurring much too rapidly for me to handle.” I pretended to gag to keep the charade up. “I’m extremely allergic to fish, and it makes me puke just being near it.”

“Stop being silly Ron, I haven’t even started experimenting on myself to become a starfish yet. You're probably sick from drinking all that beer.” Sarah chuckled, now sitting on the edge of the bed. “Also, starfish are not fish. They belong to the group of marine invertebrates similar to sea cucumbers.”

What the fuck, they’re not? Why the hell are they called starfish then? 

With a sigh, I stood up and sat on the floor in front of her. “Okay, let me be honest, I don’t think I can date someone that wants to turn them self into a starfish. You’re wonderful and extremely beautiful, but I don’t want to waste your time since I don’t see this going long term. So, what I am trying to say is…I think you should find spongeb…I mean the perfect merman to complement your aquatic lifestyle.”

Sarah fell back onto the mattress with tears streaming down her face. She retook her starfish position and loudly sobbed “But Ron, if the biggest problem with my lifestyle is you're allergic to seafood, you can just get a pill from a doctor? I’m lactose intolerant and that’s what I do. I'm sure we can make it work somehow!” 

“I’m not actually allergic to seafood, Sarah. My uncle is very a well-known for grilling the best catfish in the universe. He brings it to every family reunion, and there is always a fistfight over the last piece.” I said, wiping the drool from my mouth. I need to visit Autumn soon.

“But…But… Ron, you’re the person I’ve been searching for. We can overcome this! There has to be some way we can still be together.” Sarah wept louder on the bed. Tears and snot were flowing from her face. It was really not the reaction you would expect from someone you’ve only known for a few hours. I must've accidentally hit that bottom.

I walked over to my desk and looked at my to-do list for the day. Today is Sunday, and it looks like the only thing I have to do today is study for my exam on Monday. I should probably get this girl out of here or she'll spend the whole day crying in my bed. 

Being one of the head brothers of the fraternity, I could instruct pledges to do my bidding. Downstairs, I saw four pledges eating breakfast. “Hey guys, I just need a quick favor once you are finished eating. Could you guys go to my room, pick up the bed and take the girl to her dorm?”

“Sure, no problem, Ron,” one of the little brothers said. They quickly stuffed their faces and then walked upstairs. 

“Also, if you don’t mind, could you wait until she’s in her dorm? Then, when she is safely inside, wash the sheets. I have an exam tomorrow and sleeping on her tears would keep me up all night.” I said, following them back upstairs to my room.

I must give them credit; I would've declined and opted for another fraternity. But they did as they were told and carried her off on top of the bed. Theta Gamma Zeta Kai found some loyal pledges at this past rush. Before I walked into the room, they were already carrying the bed out with a weeping Sarah on top.