My world is grey. Well, not grey exactly. Grey has character; grey has multiple shades; grey can describe emotions and feelings flawlessly. I can’t tell if it’s a lighter grey or a darker grey. Darker means fading to black; an ending or some weight that I may not even know about. That’s not it at all. Then we go to lighter on the spectrum, there are the light greys which fade to white. White isn’t what I’m feeling like at all. White implies that everything’s alright, that I’m leaving the darkness. That’s not it. If I had to choose a color to describe me, it would have to be grey. But again, that’s not what it is.

Therapy has never been helpful to me.

“Codi?”

It’s Dr. Crews’ voice. I know her color, it’s always a perfectly neutral blue. Sort of like the sky on the days when there’s nothing but sun. I open my eyes and sit forward from my slouched position on the couch, forcing myself to stay present in the moment.

“Sorry. I got lost again.”

She nods and a few strands of blonde hair fall from the perfect tight bun on the top of her head. She doesn’t notice it, but in an hour or two, when she goes to the bathroom, she’ll see it and be disgusted. It’s not OCD, but it’s more of a defense mechanism. When I was first brought to her almost three years ago, she seemed to get increasingly more disappointed the more I proved to her I was normal.

It was mom’s idea for me to go to therapy. After the divorce a few years ago, she’s always thought I’ll snap and have some kind of post-divorce freakout. She doesn’t necessarily think I’m crazy, but ‘better safe than sorry’, as she says.

“Where do you go when you disappear like that?”

I shrug and push my bangs out of my eyes. “It depends on the day, I guess. They’re just little places to go when I have nowhere else to visit.”

Doctor Crews smiles. It’s slightly forced, and I see a spark of yellow annoyance flash through her neutral blue. I know she doesn’t like how vague I am. The truth is, I do it on purpose. I don’t like the idea of her knowing everything about me. I don’t like anyone knowing everything about me.

She makes one more note on her yellow-papered notebook and looks at her watch. “It appears we’re out of time, Codi.”

I take out my phone to check the time. She’s six minutes off. Last week, it was five. I stand and pick up my jacket; it’s too warm to wear it right now, so I sling it over my arm instead. I don’t want to say goodbye as I walk to the door, but as I reach it, the social contract takes over and I mutter a quick “bye” before I leave. I’m out the door before I hear her response.

I stop at the front desk to confirm my appointment for next week, exchanging small talk with the bubbly, pink secretary who has way too many pictures of her pug named Daisy littering her desk.

She hands me a lollipop and says, “See you next week!”

I wave over my shoulder, trying to remember her name. It’s something with a D, I know that much. Maybe I’m just confusing her with her dog.

I walk outside and sit on the curb, taking out my phone. I have a text from my best friend, Lex. He’s in my phone as Gold-Green. I’ve called him that since we first met. He’s warm and smooth like melted gold, but he’s also vivid and beautiful and open like a hidden forest trail. His bright and inviting golden green has always contrasted with my dull grey. He’s like the less annoying version of a fairy tale prince. He never ceases to make me smile.

The text reads ‘Call me when you’re out’. So I do as he asks.

He answers on the third ring.

“You’re out early again, huh?” I can hear him smiling.

“Yeah. Her watch is off, and it’s the only source of time in her office she pays attention to.” I toss a rock into the parking lot. “I’m not complaining.”

“Do you want me to get you, or are you being summoned to the mothership?”

I think for a moment, tossing another rock. “No, I’m free. I can hang out.”

“Do you need to call your mom or anything?”

I shake my head before I realize he can’t see me. “Nah. She’s working today, so I’ve been left to my own devices.”

He laughs, a warm sound that makes my grey lighten a bit. “I’ll be there in like five minutes.”

Lex ends the call and I put my phone back in my pocket. I hop up on the low wall, wobbling as I try to keep my balance. A lizard scurries past my feet, red and dark blue with determined anxiety. It stops before me for a moment, seeming to decide what to do next, and then dives between two rocks and vanishes.

I sit there for another few minutes, just looking at the space between the rocks, and wondering what else might be down there. A car pulls up, and I look up, seeing the familiar bluish-silver of Lex’s Mini Cooper. He’s blasting some new-wave music I’ve never heard before. I walk over to open the passenger side door. It’s locked, so I tap on the window until he realizes, smiles bashfully, and unlocks it.

“Sorry, man.”

“It’s fine.” I smile and pull the seatbelt across my chest.

“So what’s on the agenda for today, my friend?” The warm gold of his voice washes over me and I instantly relax.

“I uh… didn’t actually have a plan, I was just gonna follow you around.”

He grins and pulls out of the parking lot. “Let’s get lost then.”

As it turns out, “getting lost” counts as getting coffee and chips from the nearest gas station; driving to the river which cuts through the middle of town; and jumping into the shallow, cold, clear water. It’s been raining a lot this past week, so the normally dry river is flowing slowly over the smooth rocks.

Lex kicks off his shoes and sits on a tree stump to roll up his jeans and take off his socks. I have to stop to untie the tight laces on my shoes before I follow him into the water, foregoing rolling up my jeans. Lex makes a passing comment about how I look like a little kid who just found a puddle. I flip him off and flick water at him to emphasize my point. He laughs and splashes me, a huge grin on his face. He’s the one acting like a little kid now. His normally smooth and calm color is now a crackling and vibrant spring-green, full of the promise of new and spectacular things. His dark skin makes him look like an elf or a wood nymph as he crouches down to look closer at a rock in the water. He walks over to me, his brown eyes twinkling in the sunlight. “You’re lost again.”

I straighten up a bit and shake my head. “Sorry. You know how I get.”

He puts his arm around my shoulders, pulling me into an awkward sideways hug. “If you ever need to tell me something, you know you can. No matter what it is.”

I nod and look down at the cold water running over my ankles. The cool water is soothing my soul.

I’m reminded of the day Lex and I met, back when we were kids. I was sitting outside the school, watching a river of tiny ants going to and from their anthill. Back then, his color had been a bright, almost magenta glow. A mix of white, and red, and purple. He had lost his mother several months earlier, so his color was just as confused as he was. His magenta went well with my grey and we became best friends almost immediately. For more than six years, I’ve watched him grow and change, I’ve watched his color become more and more real. I remember when we were both fourteen, and Lex got his first girlfriend who he didn’t really love; his color then was an almost insincere blue-grey. It would always become greener when the two of us were together. After he broke up with her, it started to settle more into the perfect color I associate him with now.

Lex has always simultaneously understood and not understood how I see the world. He calls it Synesthesia. According to Google, the definition of Synesthesia is: “The production of a sense impression relating to one sense or part of the body by a stimulation of another sense or part of the body.” Whatever that means.

I don’t know if what I do or have is exactly that or something else, but so far, it’s the only definition I have, so I’m going with it for now.

“Oh yeah!” Lex’s voice yanks me from my thoughts. “Have you heard back from that guy yet? What’s his name? Mark or Morgan?”

“Colton. His name is Colton.”

“Yeah him! Has he answered you yet?”

Colton is a boy in the year ahead of me. We go to different schools, but it’s become apparent we like a lot of the same things. A few weeks ago, we ended up at the same concert and hit it off. He told me he was gay, and eventually, I ended up giving him my number. We continued to stay in touch; and then, a few days ago, he asked me out. I told him I wasn’t sure, and he said he’d wait until I knew. I told Lex, and he told me I should go for it. The main thing that’s making me hesitant is that when I told him, Lex’s color went orange and agitated until I told him I hadn’t said yes. Even after that, his color had remained a muddy orange-green, almost puce until he internally decided to calm down. Outwardly, his demeanor changed, and he said I should go for it. I haven’t sent Colton any confirmation or denial yet, but to be fair, I’ve sort of been avoiding most contact with him. I don’t normally bring him up around Lex if I can help it.

“No, I haven’t heard back yet.” It’s not entirely a lie.

“Message him again. See what’s up.”

“I will later.”

He smiles. There’s a hint of sadness behind it.

The rest of the day passes in a blur of colors, the majority of them being Lex’s green, until I come home to an empty house. Through the mostly brown and maroon living room, and into the dark red and white dining room. There’s a note on the table, written in my mother’s spidery handwriting.

“I have work tonight, so I won’t be home 'til late. I left you $20 for dinner. I’ll see you in the morning sweetie. I love you.

-Mom♥”

I read it once over and toss the piece of paper in the trash, picking up the twenty dollar bill. I’ll walk to the little market around the corner and figure out food once I’m actually there.

The market is less than a ten-minute walk away. While there, I run into Colton. He’s standing at the end of the candy aisle, looking at a bag of something in his hand. He’s an intense shade of dark purple with a vivid red woven through it. He glances up, and his stoic face changes to a huge smile.

“Fancy seeing you here.” His voice has a slight lilt to it.

“Yeah.” I want to leave it at that, but my anxiety kicks in, rooting me to the spot. “I-I live close by, and I just wanted to grab some dinner.”

“Oh, no way! I live pretty close too.”

I offer a smile and look down at the candy in his hands, “Hi-Chew, huh? I’ve always liked those.”

He looks down at the bag and smiles, “I’ve been wanting to try them.” His eyes move to me, they’re a light hazel. “So, you never answered my question.”

There’s nothing behind his words but force, like he’s trying to wring an answer out of me.

“I-uh-” I hate it when I stammer. “I j-just haven’t been able to give it much thought. School and work and all.”

Colton nods, and the red in his color becomes more vivid, “Well, I’m waiting.” It sounds like a threat. He turns and walks to the checkout counter. It’s far too abrupt; almost planned.

I’m stuck there for a few minutes, just replaying the conversation in my head. I know he wants an answer; he deserves an answer. He said he likes me, so it’s only fair, but… there’s something wrong. He’s intense, but he keeps it hidden. He’s kind, but I don’t know that I want to know him better. Against my better judgment, I find myself sending him a text, barely realizing until after I’ve already hit send.

"Yes."

The sky is a smoky rose on my way home.