How to love someone when you can't love yourself

One. I love Jun. His smile, never wavering, directed only at me. Crescent moon against the night skies, a glimmer in the darkness, a ray of hope shining against the last hours and those lips that I want to kiss, feel the touch against mine, the lips that smile at me, the lips that whisper my name, the lips of the man I love

Two. Golden eyes with speckles of orange when the light hits just right, golden eyes that look at me for who I am, golden eyes that speak so many words without a voice

Three. Promises to protect me. Promises, promises, promises and he keeps them all. Drops his entire life to run after me, forgets about his own safety to hold me in his strong arms, no questions, no questions, just answers to which I cannot explain and I hold his hand in mine, wishing, wishing, wishing, this is not a dream

Four. He is in my subconscious even when I left him. I yearn for his touch, his voice, his presence, I yearn for him by my side, telling me that everything will be fine and hold me, hold me, hold me like the nights I wish we could spend together but reality reminds me of the distance

Five. I’m a monster. And yet he tells me otherwise, continues to hold my hand without the slightest hint of doubt, no sense of betrayal, nothing but trust and adoration and I want to disappear from this world together with him but I cannot die, I am a monster

Six. People mean nothing to me. They can die, they can live, I do not care. Let them kill each other while I live in peace with him, far away from anyone else, just the two of us, together, forever and his arms around me, his thoughts about me, his heart belongs to me

Seven. I left him. I run away. I’m a monster. His voice still rings in my ears, his touch still ghosts on my skin, and I wish to return to him and yet I am warped in fights of the spiritual realms and again I wish he is here with me, standing by my side and telling me that I am not alone

Eight. I am alone. Like the void in the dark sky, emptiness that only echoes the tears I never shed, knives prickling me from the inside whispering ugly words at my being, reminding me that I am a monster, monster, not human and I will never see him again

Nine. I want to see him again. Yet I am the one who runs away, I am the one who leaves him behind, I am the monster. I will hurt him, I will hurt myself, and no matter where I run, he will chase after me and I will run further, wishing he will stop chasing me and wishing I can turn around and run into his arm

Nine. I only feel pain on my skin, in my heart, and I want to hold him but what can I give him when I am nothing but an entire being of evil and fear

Nine I am a being, I am not human, I am an ugly monster that has cast aside any remnants of humanity just to run away from the man I love, still wishing in my deep consciousness that perhaps this is all a dream and I will wake up in his arms

Nine I want to be in his arms, I want to see him again

Nine I want to leave the monster behind and return to him

NINE I want to believe I am not the monster but I am

NINE I wish this is all just in my head and he will once again smile at me with that charming curve of his lips, hold my hands and tell me that everything is fine

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Ten. I love Jun. I really do.