I am Jin, 18 years old and a shut-in. I am not particularly smart, but I am able to obtain above average marks. I am not particularly Sporty, but I am able to run and do sports better than my fellow friends in the same age group. I have no particular interest, except I do play a few games and catch up on some books.
I have no specific talent or strength, but I do have big dreams. More often than not, I always betray myself and gave up my goals half way through. My family background is fairly normal, as what you would call the typical white-collar family. All is well except me and my parents sometimes will have a conflict regarding how I spend my time.
It occurred to me one day, that life is nothing special. Think about it for a moment. Who weep for the grass they step on, who actually cares for the animals that become the food for someone else. In a war, who really shed tears for somebody we don't know in life and list can go on and on, but I think you get the point. Life in a nutshell is fragile, it does not has much value and it is replaceable.
This thought triggered me to think deeply about my existence. The life that I am living now can be virtually wiped overnight and it would not have even mattered to another person. The past achievements I have, the future I have planned for myself and even the memories I treasured the most will be as dusts in the face of death.
I fear death.
I fear meaningless existence.
I fear that the things that matters to me now will be taken away from me.
I want to run. I want to hide. I want to turn away from reality.
It just that I wonder... Can we, the feeble human beings really survive the harsh competitiveness environment?
We have survived the heartless cold and the scorching heat. We faced beasts far stronger than we are and boulders unencumbered to man. We have created machines and medicines that saves many life. However, this task is not fulfilled with one man or a group of man, but man in general.
We have abilities far beyond our imagination, it is not fiction, there have been countless examples of what we presume as "imperfect" human beings that has accomplish great things in life. This is no fairy tale, will-power is what keep us moving despite the burden we carry. The source of hope to seek the light in a pitch-black tunnel. The strength to overcome obstacles even though it seemed impossible at first.
But...
Despite all that I have said...
It is always easy to say it on the paper and difficult to prove without solid evidence.
In truth, I cried, I despaired and I hated myself for being a good-for-nothing in the society. There are even times I wanted to kill myself just because I failed to achieve what I set myself to do. It is always easy to find excuses. We all know for a fact but never really accepted it in our heart. Our own state of denial is what causes our present.
If I were to die now...
On the positive side, I can forget about my troubles and fears and be finally at peace in so called the afterlife.
On the negative side, I have already wasted 18 years of my life and worth of resources that could make a huge difference in someone more motivated than me. Deep inside my heart, I know I want to make a different and change the world. Ironically, I am also always the one that proved myself unsuccessful.
I wish I could die.
Not in way as someone has given up on life and committed suicide. I wish to die after I have fulfilled my dream. If there is a noble cause for my death, it will be to leave a impact in our society.
No one really knows what will happen tomorrow. In fact, every minute someone has just died. Knowing that death can knock on your door any second now, what is the final mission you must do?
Henceforth, despite my weak self and my seemingly impossible dream. I WILL ACT NOW! Even though I know my weaknesses better than anyone else, I will still try.
A war isn't defeated unless one party surrendered. I shall not surrender. I shall persevere and I will see the light at the end of the tunnel.
My procrastination has held me back countless of times to prevent me from becoming what I really am. This is my only life, my only chance and I can't afford to throw my shot away.
We all die one day, just a matter of when. Nevertheless, I want to die...
However, the time can only come after my name is raised high on the pyramid of life.
I will succeed.
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