On the great globe of Kadnor spinning eternally through the cosmos, on the huge lone continent in the midst of the endless ocean, in the Kingdom of Grinmolden wedged between the Bearded Peaks and the Kingdom of Malhaven, atop a forested mountain that cast a shadow across the farmlands below, beneath a starry sky and a full moon, on the highest tower of an ancient castle, Elizabeth Fairweather adjusted her spectacles. Peering at the pages of her book, she saw to her dismay that it was not The Beginner's Guide to Astrology Volume 3 but rather one of her erotic novels that had somehow found its way into her curriculum material. Trying not to think of Jax Beefjaw and his slab-like abs, she cleared her throat and looked down at the dozen young wizards sitting before her. They were a mixed bunch, ranging in age from thirteen to twenty-three, ranging in height from four-foot-one to six-foot-seven, and ranging in intelligence from 5 to 18.

“We're going to skip today's chapter,” she said authoritatively. “I don't want to keep you young ones out here on a night like this.”

Her students, who were visibly shivering in the cold night air, looked relieved.

“Who wants the first turn with the telescope?” Elizabeth asked, gesturing to the large instrument set up beside her.

“Ooh, me! Me!” piped up Roxie, a young lady with dark curly hair and a black leather jacket embroidered with orange flames.

“I'm good. Can I just go now?” asked Olga, a large format woman with blue woolen robes and an exceptionally large wizard hat.

“You may not,” Elizabeth retorted. “We'll not have that attitude around here.”

Olga groaned. Elizabeth smiled as Roxie put her eye to the telescope, gently moving it up and down.

“Start by finding the Big Spoon.”

“Found it, Ms Fairweather.”

“Then find the Great Celestial Cereal Bowl. Those two constellations are crucial for navigating the heavens.”

“Oh!” Roxie said excitedly. “A shooting star!”

“Ah!” Elizabeth gave the class an eager grin, hoping this mildly exciting occurrence would be enough to get them involved. “A truly auspicious omen that can foreshadow all manner of portents.”

“This one doesn't seem to be burning up like they usually do,” Roxie said curiously.

“May I have a look?” Elizabeth asked.

“Of course, ma'am, absolutely!” Roxie obediently stepped aside. Elizabeth peered through the telescope, frowning as she followed the comet in its path across the sky.

“Truly fascinating,” she said eventually before turning back to her students. “I can see you're all shivering, so unless anyone else is dying for a look through the scope, class is dismissed.”

The students rose immediately and headed for the stairs. Elizabeth sighed before shivering herself. She had thought the outdoor lessons would be a good change of scenery, but so far they seemed about as popular as Arthur the druid's wildlife field trips.

“Kids these days,” she muttered with pure Boomer energy. She looked back up at the comet once more before following her students.

* * *

The students filed through the castle's drafty corridors to their respective bedrooms.

“Wotcha doing tonight?” Olga asked, walking together with Roxie. The two of them, now twenty-years-old, had been friends since they had first come to the castle fifteen years ago.

Olga was not surprised when Roxie replied, “I have some history study to catch up on.”

“History?” Olga rolled her eyes. “Beats algebra, I suppose, but how does it help with magic?”

“Master Karadhin will be testing us on it next week,” Roxie replied emphatically.

“So? You'll get a pat on the back at most. Doesn't help you cast a bigger fireball.”

“So you'll be reading up on magic technique, I take it?” Roxie asked hopefully.

“Nah, I'll be reading Elven Sphere X. Say, have you finished Legend of the Seven Symbols yet?”

“No, sorry.”

“Why not?”

“I have, uh... actual stuff to do.”

“You're saying my passions aren't 'actual stuff'?!” Olga snapped, her eyes filling with nerdish fury. The two of them were distracted by the sound of something heavy hitting the floor. They turned to see Elizabeth walking off down the hall, oblivious to the book she had dropped.

“Ma'am!” Roxie called, but the teacher had already shut a door behind her.

“What's that?” Olga asked as Roxie hurried to pick up the tome. “Is it the astrology book? We should hide it, then we'll get to skip class every night!”

Roxie flipped the book open and skimmed over a couple pages. Olga watched curiously as her friend blushed profusely and slammed the book shut.

“It's certainly not astrology,” she stammered. “We should return it right away!”

“Lemme see!” Olga grabbed the book from her friend and opened it.

“No, don't read it!” Roxie begged, hoping to save her friend from the book's wicked clutches. “Stop!”

Olga's eyes widened and she gave a lecherous chuckle.

“Heh... I think I'll borrow this for a while.”

Roxie snatched the book back.

“We must return it to Ms Fairweather! You shouldn't corrupt your mind with such filth!”

Olga huffed and crossed her arms.

“Don't tell me you don't wanna read it too?”

“Well, I...” Roxie felt as if a daemon and an angel suddenly appeared on her shoulders, one urging her to give in to her carnal desires, the other reminding her of her vow, her grades, her integrity. Two large red buttons materialized before her as Roxie raised an imaginary handkerchief to her sweaty brow.

At the advice of her fellow student Trixie she had become a Fapstronaut under the promise that it would improve her grades, and she was currently a 300-day abstinent. If she allowed Olga to borrow the book, she would be tempted to read it as well, breaking her NoFap marathon and potentially ruining her academic performance which would in turn ruin her whole life. How could she face her hardworking teachers knowing that she had cast aside everything for temporal satisfaction?!

“We are returning this to the teacher!” Roxie said firmly, stamping her foot on the floor. A small puff of fire to burst from under her sole.

“Okay, okay!” Olga groaned. “Quit overreacting.”

Roxie led the way to the masters' council chamber, where the elder wizards of the castle discussed matters of import. They arrived to find the door to the council room left slightly ajar. Through the gap, they could easily hear Elizabeth's stern voice.

“I've been watching it for three weeks now. I've done the calculations five times over to be sure.”

Roxie moved to knock but Olga held her back and gave a signal to be silent.

“It's going to hit in two weeks,” Elizabeth continued, her tone graver than a Boomer complaining about cellphones. There was a brief silence before they heard the husky voice of Malcomn, the castle's resident necromancer.

“How can we stop it?”

“Surely the elves, with their magical might, will formulate a spell to prevent its impact,” spoke the sonorous voice of Karadhin, eldest of the castle's masters.

“If it were going to affect them, they would,” Elizabeth said bitterly, “but given its size, it's only going to damage our castle and half a dozen villages. Nothing the elves would be concerned about.”

“Surely it would be possible with enough wizards, even human ones?” Malcomn suggested. “Surely our neighbors in Malhaven are concerned about it as well.”

Karadhin gave a sigh. “No doubt they are preparing to raise magical barriers at the border, making sure the impact does not harm them. But to blast the comet back into space, we would need a hundred wizards gathered here right when it was about to hit. How many wizards, powerful ones at that, could we find who were crazy enough to venture this far into Grinmolden.”

“It's impossible, then,” Elizabeth muttered. “With the handful of competent wizards we have, we'd need a serious boost to have even a hope of stopping the comet.”

After a brief silence, Karadhin cleared his throat. “You both know of the Arcane Fountain. Its waters are infused with the essence of magic. Even the smallest quantity of it could give us the oomph we need.”

Elizabeth gave a skeptical snort. “That would be simple... if only the bloody elves sold their magic water. What you're suggesting is that we sneak across their borders, somehow get through the mountain pass to the capital and steal the water from right under their noses?”

“It has been done,” Karadhin said softly.

Olga suddenly sneezed loudly. A few moments of tense silence passed before Elizabeth flung open the door.

“What are you kids doing here?” she demanded furiously.

Roxie tried to smile as she held out the book. “You dropped this, Ms Fairweather.”

Elizabeth's face went bright red and she quickly snatched the book. “I... uh... thank you.”

“How long have you been listening?” Malcomn asked. Olga looked over at the necromancer, a tall, gaunt man with thick stubble and short dark hair.

“I think we heard pretty much all the important stuff,” Olga replied, opting for the truthful approach.

“Is that a problem?” Roxie asked nervously.

“Not really,” Malcomn replied. “The problem is the comet that's going to wipe our castle off the map.”

“Admittedly, our castle isn't on any maps to begin with,” Elizabeth said dryly.

“I got one question,” Olga said, looking awfully excited despite the grim situation. “Can I come with you to steal the magic water from the elves?”

“We haven't even agreed if we're going to go do that or not!” Elizabeth snapped.

“Yeah, but if you do, can I come? Please, please, please!”

“No, you're fat,” Elizabeth said firmly.

“And you bring smut to your classes,” Olga replied smugly. Elizabeth turned red and the two other master wizards gave her confused looks. Having no comeback to being utterly pwned by a lazy wizard less than half her age, she quickly changed the subject.

“We must decide on a course of action! Will we attempt this mission or not?”

Karadhin shrugged. Most masterful of the master wizards, he was not even human, but faun. Beneath his heavy robes his legs were those of a goat. Curling horns rose from his forehead.

“As far as I see it, we have no other options.”

“There are other sources of magic in the world,” Malcomn said softly. “It would be far safer than stealing from the elves.”

“The journey there and back would take too long,” Karadhin replied. “Moreover, I do not have the authority to ordain that.”

“What are you talking about?” Olga asked curiously.

“It's classified.”

“Ooh, very mysterious!”

“So,” Malcomn got back to the point, “either we abandon the castle or we infiltrate the elven capital.”

“We can't just abandon this place,” Elizabeth insisted. “It might not be much in the big picture, but for all the young wizards of Grinmolden, we're the only future they have.”

Malcomn nodded. “In that case, I volunteer to go. We cannot afford to lose Karadhin on such a venture, and Elizabeth is too old and frail.”

“How dare you!” Elizabeth cried.

“See how it feels,” Malcomn chuckled, giving Olga a wink.

“Returning to my earlier question,” Olga put in. “Can I go too?”

“No!” Elizabeth snapped.

“Actually, I think they should both come along,” Malcomn said. “It'll be a good learning experience for them.”

Karadhin gave a nod of approval.

“I agree, if you're sure they won't be too much of a hindrance.”

“Epic!” Olga squealed in delight.

“Wait...” Roxie began nervously, “you want me to go too?”

“Aren't you two inseparable or something?” Malcomn asked with a smile, “like Harry and Ron?” “In that case, I'm definitely Harry!” Olga put in.

“And Roxie is Hermione,” Elizabeth muttered. Malcomn frowned.

“I suppose that makes me Ron. One question remains, however. How do we get past the Heartland Gates, let alone infiltrate the elven capital.”

“There is only one individual who has accomplished the feat.” Karadhin gave a reluctant sigh. “My brother, Bogdon the Wild.”

Elizabeth narrowed her eyes.

“But... isn't he insane?”

“Yes, unfortunately, he is insane,” Karadhin replied. “But, never the less, he is our only hope of getting to the Arcane Fountain.” He paused and smiled at Olga and Roxie. “You two had best get to bed. You'll have an early start tomorrow.”

* * *

The morning sun smiled down upon the castle, its pearly white teeth glistening. Every one of the castle's inhabitants, students and teachers, had gathered outside to bid farewell to the departing trio. Some were jealous they hadn't been chosen, while others were delighted at the thought of being rid of the castle's resident couch potato and teacher's pet.

“Just don't look too conspicuous,” Elizabeth told the two young women, “and don't use magic unless it's absolutely necessary, at least not until you're out of Grinmolden.”

“Yes, Ms Fairweather,” Roxie said with an unnecessary salute.

“What if I piss myself and have to clean it up?” Olga asked. “Can't I use magic for that?”

“That's disgusting,” Elizabeth retorted. “Please don't do that.”

“Will we really be walking there on foot?” Olga added yet another complaint.

“Do you want to go or not! You know we don't have a stable up here.”

“But Malcomn could just summon some skeleton horses!” Olga insisted. “Or we could enchant some flying broomsticks.”

“And if anyone saw you riding them, they'd burn all three of you at the stake like heretics who like Game of Thrones Season 8.”

“Don't worry,” Malcomn put in, “I have friends in Malhaven who'll lend us horses. Now, if you young ladies haven't forgotten anything, we should get going.”

“Let the adventure begin!” Olga shouted, her mood flipping to excitement as she skipped down the mountain path.