I was there for him when he needed me most. When his father passed of cancer and he lost his motivation, his passion, when he claimed he fell out of love with me but really he lost the ability, the capacity to love someone else as they had once loved him.
Yet every morning without fail I would pop my head around his door when his mother let me into his childhood home, and give him a warm cream cheese bagel and the black coffee he loved so much.
I would ask him when he would consider there being an us again and he would say "if only I could change the way I feel" and I would just nod accepting his hardship. He was going through a rough time I would not pressure him into such harsh decisions.
One day I knocked on the door to his family home.
"Good morning Mrs H-" i would greet as she would give me that firm look "L-Lisa" I would stammer out still feeling as if it was disrespectful to utter her name as if she was my friend not my senior.
I held up the bag that contained her sons usual breakfast and she ushered me straight up to his room. Knock knock knock I tapped on his door in my usual fashion waiting for the 6"1 sad boy to come greet me by the door but I was met with nothing. So I knocked again calling his name trying my best not to let my voice tremble as dread sunk into my heart as I pushed open the door.
Blood. Red velvety flowing blood. Blood that flowed like a river. My mother always said blood was thicker than water. Oh boy it sure was. "Lisa" I shouted in a barely there voice as I ran to him cradling him to my chest like a fragile baby, such a juxtaposition to the tall muscular man who lay in my arms.
His wrists bled and he foamed from his mouth as I eyed the pill bottle and vodka bottle that lay on his bed next to an envelope with this chain laid upon it. "Ye- what happened? My baby oh my lord let me call" Lisa screamed in horror as she stood at the door fumbling to call 911. "He's ok he's just sleeping he just needs water" I croaked out holding his face in my hands as I looked into his lifeless eyes seeing the reflection of my tears in his eyes and then watching as my tear slid down his rosy cheeks. They seemed to be so full of life whilst he was so cold.
Denial seemed to bring the most comfort.
"Are you hot honey your sweating?" I questioned as I wiped the tear from his face. It's rational he's not dead it's just a nightmare he's resting. I sat drawing shapes in his palms as his head lay in my lap as I did when he usually had bad dreams. "Sweetie he needs to go."
Lisa sat next to me as I saw the boots of the ambulance men appear in my peripheral vision. "No" I could barely whisper as they took him out from my grip his body limp. Lisa left to see her son be wheeled out while I just sat there lifeless. I mean my life was taken from me.
"He left you something" Lisa laid her hand on my shoulder as we ate dinner in silence together as if everything was normal. She handed me his chain which I quickly clasped around my neck thankful that I had a piece of him still left with me and took the envelope from her muttering a quick thanks. I opened the letter with trembling hands as I saw his ugly yet so beautiful writing on the page.
When you're alone in your bed and you keep thinking and you can't stop cause you realize what you been missing. It's always been me and now it's so easy to see. I've been missing myself. A piece of me.
I was blinded by what I thought was love and the shit got me. I hope that finally you can be happy and get everything that you ever wanted. I've been popping these pills for a while and I can't seem to stop. But if only you knew...
"NO" I ripped the letter in two throwing it to the ground. "No no no he got it wrong" I ran to Lisa kneeling on the floor in front of her sullen face looking into her eyes with determination and anger. "How selfish could he be he knew that could never be true. he loved me ... he did right?"
I was snapped out of my anger by the sound of sobbing as she looked into my eyes with guilt and regret. "He did... right?" I asked again waiting for her response. "Read it" was all she could utter out. "He didn't?" And the sad look on her face said it all. Defeated was an understatement as a feeling of animosity built up within me. " I see" I murmured as I left her home. His home.][
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