​If I were to describe my life in a single breath, I would say I have existed within a palace as cold as frost, a place void of love and devoid of tenderness.

​When I was barely five years old, my mother demanded a divorce from my father. Once she secured her freedom, she didn’t give me a second thought; she didn’t even glance back at me as she walked out the door. Naturally, my father remarried a woman named Hannah. To put it mildly, she is obsessed with herself—a woman I only ever see draped in the most extravagant luxury brands, trailing the scent of expensive perfumes that choke the hallways of this mansion.

​Then there is my father, Matthias. A businessman so consumed by his own ambition that I often suspect he has forgotten I even exist. He provides my daily allowance with mechanical indifference, then vanishes to attend to his affairs. He is stern, detached, and utterly cold.

​My father expects me to become a successful businessman like him. How do I know this? Simply because we gather at the dinner table, where the only sound is the clinical clinking of cutlery against fine china. Occasionally, he breaks the silence—not to ask how I am, but to dictate specific rules for my conduct.

​I loathed being in that palace; it felt suffocating, a gilded cage of ice. I preferred spending as much time as possible at school, as it provided the perfect environment for me to express myself and feel like a human being. There, I fell in with a group of friends everyone labelled "perverts." I didn’t mind, though; they were kind to me. They would smuggle in adult magazines and whisper about sexual matters in the bathrooms. To my starved mind, it was all intensely intriguing.

​I wanted to join the world they spoke of, so I began searching the internet. It wasn't long before I became what they call a "porn addict." I developed an obsession with alluring blonde women, wishing desperately that I could touch one of those beautiful actresses. As the days passed, my condition worsened—my face broke out in acne, and I began to view my stepmother through a distorted lens. I no longer saw her as just an indifferent woman; I had developed a sickening infatuation with her.

​I tried to push those thoughts aside and partially succeeded, but then, a strange boredom set in. I grew weary of the women on my screen. In reality, I had never even touched a girl because of my father’s draconian rules. But now, I wanted something different. I no longer wanted a woman at all.

​I couldn't fathom how my obsession had turned into such cold indifference, but I sought a different kind of thrill. I found it in MLM content. I felt a surge of adrenaline watching them—man upon man. It felt sweet, captivating, until it morphed into a desperate, gnawing urge to experience it for myself.

​It was terrifying, but I decided to take the risk. I joined a dating app under a pseudonym and began my search. And there, I found him.

​A handsome young man from my own school, just one year above me. His name was Johann Braun.

​I reached out to Johann, and we agreed on our first meeting. The sensation I felt when I kissed him is beyond words; it was so warm, so incredibly gentle. It was a warmth I had been starving for my entire life.

​I know that what I am doing is wrong, but I cannot stop myself.

​I only hope my father never discovers my secret liaisons with Johann.

​To be continued...