‘A person does not die until he gives up but a person who gives up is surely dead’
I don’t know which genius adorned the world with these words but whoever it is, please let me say one thing to you, only self-absorbed idiots who make it out successfully in life say words like these, in reality not even 1% of the total population get to their desired destination.
Life is an accumulation of hardships, betrayals and tragedies. A person becomes an adult making his or her way through disappointments. Some people manage to reach the stage called ‘Adult’ and some people who don’t, remain forever clueless and childish. I am one of those childish and clueless people in the world…
Ugh…why the hell am I messing my mind with things like these!? I should focus on writing this novel first! By the way, why the hell am I writing such a delusional novel in the first place!? Is it all because of the stupid thought that crossed my mind yesterday? Man, I really am hopeless!
I shook my head to clear it from unnecessary thoughts and switched on my 13-years old Intel Pentium Dual-Core processor laptop which was given to me by my father and started writing my first novel!
'Another day gone and nothing happened at all. I hope…no, I pray, please God, please make it so that I die today'
Laying dejected on my bed, this thought yet again surfaced in my mind. It was nothing new; I have been hoping something like my death to happen for quite some time.
How did it come to this? I was a good student, I had lots of friends, and I was born in a prestigious family as well. Then where did I go wrong? What wrong decision did I make in my life? Am I suffering so much because of...? No, it can't be! There's no way it's because of that!
I didn't even realize but I started denying the reality again
I haven't changed at all, I am still lying to myself
Why do humans lie?
They lie because they don't want to accept the reality around them. Yes, that's the most important reason why humans lie.
Reality is cruel, dreams are compassionate, maybe this is the reason why I lied. Rather than feeling sad thinking about reality, I would much rather indulge myself in my own fantasies. I know that it's not a proper way to live but it's not such a bad thing in itself
I never lied with an intention to harm anyone, I only lied in order to not hurt the people around me, I didn't want my parents to get sad over me, neither did I want to get sad over myself.
Peace in my life, that was the only thing I wanted through these lies but I guess, whether they are interpersonal relationships or the feeling of peace, anything that comes out of lies is hollow and rotten, something that is bound to get destroyed in the future.
"Son, go and sleep now. Let's go for a morning walk tomorrow!" My mother's voice snapped me out of my thoughts
"What's the use? You will make an excuse again and sleep through the entire morning."
"You are wrong; she doesn't sleep through the morning. She just keeps lying on the bed with her eyes closed." My father chimed in with his usual sarcasm
Do I need to act all happy and joking with my family again?
It hurts so much to act as if nothing has happened at all
"Hahaha, is that so?" What a fake and hollow laugh, I can practically feel my facial muscles hurting because of it
"Yes, sometimes she makes snoring sounds to make us think that she is sleeping but in reality, she is just making a fool out of us. You don't know how cunning your mother is."
Papa, please stop
I beg you
Please stop, I don't deserve such kindness
Please don't kill me with your lame jokes
Shit! What's with me? One moment I am all sad and depressed and the other I am back to making fun of people around me (--_--)
"Cunning? She is just lazy"
"Yes, she is cunningly lazy."
I talked with my father for a while before I decided to sleep.
"Well then, I am going to sleep. Good Night."
Thus I ended my night conversation with my parents.
Joking like that even after making such a blunder, I truly am a piece of trash. I don't deserve anything I have now, I have deceived my parents and my family throughout my whole life it would be for the best if a piece of trash like me were to die.
‘Even if you are suffering a lot, never show your misery in front of others.’
My mother told me this when I was just a child, she must have wanted me to live a respectful life without taking pity from anyone.
But even in her wildest dreams, I don't think she would have thought that I would end up becoming such a liar.
I have betrayed the trust of so many people, I am worthless. God, please show me mercy; please make it so that I die in my sleep. I beg you. I beg you. I beg you…
Beads of tears rolled down from my eyes.
My vision blacked out and in a moment I fell asleep.
"Mmm…" So I wake up again, hah?
Well, it's not really surprising. Dying in sleep doesn't even happen to most elderly people, let alone a healthy 20-year-old guy like me. There's no way I am going to get liberation from this messed-up life of mine just because I prayed before sleeping.
"F-father, t-that child d-died just a f-few minutes ago. I-I am s-sorry I couldn't save h-him."
"It's not your fault, please don't blame yourself. That child was already severely sick from the moment his parents left him here."
The hell, who's talking?
I opened my eyes and saw a man and a woman standing in front of me. The woman…no it would be wrong to call her that, she looked more like a girl probably around 16-17 years old. She had an extremely sad expression on her face. Her eyes were teary and she looked like she was on the verge of crying.
The man, on the other hand, looked like he was in his late 30s or maybe early 40s. He was wearing a gown that made him look like a priest of some sort. He had a serious expression on his face and he was consoling the girl.
Who are these people? Where am I?
Suddenly, the man's gaze fell upon me and he started shaking on the point where he was standing. Seeing him act like that, the girl turned towards me and started crying.
W-w-w-wait, what are you doing!?
The girl came running towards me and picked me up in her arms.
H-huh? W-what's happening t-to m-me?
I could practically feel my face heating up from embarrassment
"Baby, you got me so worried!" The girl said in a crying voice
Baby? Me...? I don't think I ever had a girlfriend before, then why the hell is she calling me 'baby'? I need to see her face!
With this thought in mind, I tried to separate myself from her, but for some reason, I wasn't able to get away from her grasp
Noticing my attempts to free myself the girl looked at me
It was only then did I notice it,
My reflection in the girl's eyes, the face I saw in them didn't belong to me, it was the face of a child probably 3-4 months old.
Huh? Is this what I think it is!? Don't tell me…
'Woohooo!', As soon as the thought crossed my mind, I raised my arms and shouted these words but since I had no teeth, these words sounded like, "Uuuuu Uuuuu!"
"Hey Beatrice, looks like the kid wants to take a dump." The man in priest clothing said
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